Hey, remember that time we took a look at some crazy comic book ads? Well, here we are again mining that same vein of mean-spirited comic book comedy! What a funny time that was, when comic books sold in the millions and were a viable medium for promoting toys to children. Now they sell in the tens of thousands, if they're lucky, and they only promote arguments on the internet. Progress!
First up is an ad I'm sure we all remember fondly from our childhoods.
And if your childhood wasn't spent with an EZ-Bake Oven within reach, you have our pity. This 40-watt powerhouse of juvenile bakery prowess was the keynote of many a tea party refreshment strategy. The comic book ad not only points out the ease and utility of the EZ-Bake Oven, it also provides hints for fun games that involve the entire family lurking mysteriously in the darkness.
How will we ever find the guy trying to ruin our parade? Look for Parade-Hater Horace in his I HATE PARADES sweatshirt! Hot Rod Kustom Kar Kustomizer Chuck Barris and his line of krazy kykle... er, I mean, cycle accessories will help YOU protect the Big US Hero Parade! Don't be a Parade Hater, kids!
It's Bob's Christmas gift! One that Bob and his parents will be regretting the whole way to the emergency room once Bob shoots his eye out! However with his good eye Bob can enjoy the free "Rocket Club" movie starring young rocket club members experimenting properly with rockets under adult supervision. Just good clean rocket fun. I want that one with the scope; I'll be shooting windows out all over the block!
Moving on to safer childhood pursuits, who doesn't love magic tricks? Apart from the kids you fool with them, that is? Even the rabbit loves these magic tricks. In fact that rabbit is looking altogether too pleased with himself.
BLONDIE LAUGHED AT ME WHEN I SENT AWAY FOR FREE COLOR FILM! SHE ALSO LAUGHED AT ME WHEN I RAN OUT OF THE HOUSE NAKED BECAUSE I WAS LATE FOR THE BUS, AND WHEN I RAN INTO THE POSTMAN, AND WHEN I BORROWED HERB'S LAWNMOWER FOR THE 900TH TIME! IN FACT I GET NO RESPECT AT ALL FROM BLONDIE OR MY KIDS OR DAISY OR DAISY'S TWO THOUSAND PUPPIES! THAT CURSED COLOR FILM WILL DOCUMENT MY BLOODY RAMPAGE OF REVENGE! YOU CAN'T SAY IT IN A MAGAZINE IF IT ISN'T SO!
Archie Comics are chock full of wholesome entertainment. Occasionally they're also chock full of good old fashioned product placement. Check out the cleverly-placed Chips Ahoy package casually tossed onto the desk of Riverdale High's student radio station...
I hope somebody was getting an extra couple of bucks per page for this kind of corporate shilling. Extra pay? What am I saying, this is Archie Comics we're talking about!
And if you're not able to work in a whole package, just throw in a corporate spokesperson. Nobody will notice!
Waiting calmly by the telephone, biding his time, husbanding his mighty strength, for he never knows when the call will ring forth, the desperate cry of "HEY KOOL-AID!" - ignore it at your peril!!
I Just wanna say that walking around in public wearing a cape and a mask and a rainbow-colored costume with a big "H" on the front of it, that is going to guarantee you some amazing adventures right there.
Who needs those fake Madison Avenue ad agencies and their art directors and professional illustrators? Not Charlie Chocks!
Meanwhile in England the grim economic prospects of the 1970s make it feasible to pitch the Army as a career option for 15 year olds. As long as you guarantee skiing and tanks I bet most 15 year olds would sign right up, and the "nine guineas a week" certainly adds up to a lot of guineas! What do you feed those things, anyway?
Like a medieval folktale brought to life, here AAU Shoes and their "shuperstar" pitchman The AAU Shuperstar race against SATAN HIMSELF for the life of a small boy! Kind of a weird way to sell shoes, but obviously I do not understand the complicated psychological processes of the typical athletic shoe purchaser, fearful both of the Devil and of being deprived of miracle medicine.
If there's one thing kids love, it's rock and roll and cycle stunt shows! Wait, that's two things. Three, if you count "rock" and "roll" separately. Anyway, why not combine the long-haired, mustachioed world of 1974 arena-rock with the death-defying antics of professional daredevils? Is it because you can't imagine drugged-out rock stars possessing the motor skills necessary for motorcycle stunts? Or does the spectacle of "Rockin' Rick" riding a three-wheeler while balanced on his head fail to fill you with excitement? Or is it that here in the year 2009 we can't look at this and not think of Rick Astley? On the other hand, it does feature the "T-Stick" - the most viscerally satisfying feature of any children's toy, ever -so it can't be all bad.
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