Here's a question. Did we ACTUALLY READ that Archie story about the time Archie and Betty were naked together in a hotel room, and Mr. Cooper got all pissed off and was gonna force them to get married? Did we REALLY READ THAT STORY?
Yes we did. For once your memory isn't cheating!
It all started so innocently, there in BETTY & ME #40, February 1972... a boy, a girl, a ride in the country, a flat tire...
Suddenly and without any warning, Archie's complete ignorance of proper tire changing methods (only work on level ground, block the wheels, engage the damn parking brake ferchrissake, and get Betty out of the car) turn to water-soaked tragedy!
This is certainly freaky. Not Woodstock freaky, more like freakishly stupid. But freaky nontheless.
Hey stupid, maybe if you'd left your shoes on you might not have stepped on whatever it was that caused you to drop Betty!
And now we see the genius of Archie's plan. 100 miles from home, it's dark, their car is under water, they're both drenched, and look... there's a convenient motel!
That's right, Betty! Either we lie about being married or we freeze to death right here in the parking lot! There are no other options!
Man, watch Archie and his silver tongue just lyin' lyin' lyin. Why not tell the truth? Hey, my car went into the river, can we borrow your phone and some towels? Nooo, he's got to dream up some story about a honeymoon. Also, looking forward to the new "hippy fad" of staging soaking-wet anti-Vietnam freakouts in rural motel lobbies. FREE THE OPPRESSED BATH TOWELS AND LITTLE SOAPS, MAN.
This is one trusting desk clerk. I guess he's hoping for a contact high from some of that "hippy fad" action.
So how long before Archie reveals his true intentions?
Not long at all! What an operator. No preliminaries, no sweet talk, just "Get 'em off!"
Oh, that's right, they have to dry their clothes. He doesn't want to have sex with Betty AT ALL.
Sometimes I worry about Archie.
Okay, he's all alone in a motel room 100 miles from home, it's late at night, there's a fire going, Betty's draped seductively in a blanket... and what's on Archie's mind? Let's call our folks! Collect!
Yup, I definitely worry about Archie sometimes.
Here's a note for teens: if you want to reassure your parents, never call them -collect- after midnight to tell them you're in a motel room with a boy. In fact that's guaranteed to have the opposite reaction. But that's okay, after they make a furious wee hours 100 mile cross-country dash, Archie can explain everything!
"Yeah, I know that's your daughter wearing only a blanket after being alone with me in this backwoods motel! But it's all very innocent! Unlike you, after you kill me!"
Archie is about to get handed a heaping frosty mug of good old fashioned whup-ass. Not that it wouldn't do the boy some good.
Whoops, no car. Is this flaky, or all part of an elaborate seduction plan on the part of Archie? Knowing Archie, I would go with "flaky".
Western Civilization's final defense against immorality and wanton licentiousness: wedding bells. Since this is a Code-approved comic they aren't allowed to mention "sex" or "virginity" or "losin' it" or "goin' all the way" or "doin' the horizontal mambo" or "skyrockets in flight/ afternoon delight" or any other actual reference to sex. Instead, we get a lot of vague talk about "running off to a motel". Rather than squarely facing the facts of life, Archie Comics would rather besmirch the reputation of America's hospitality industry. For shame.
Luckily for the future of Archie Comics, Mr. Cooper's shotgun remains tucked away in the closet and matrimony is not in the cards for our freckle-faced teen. YET.
And after all this, Betty is ready and willing to jump right back into that rattletrap of Archie's. She's stubborn, I'll give her that. Keep at it Betty - surely the NEXT naked motel room adventure will work out for you!
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