Hi gang! This is your pal Archie! Say, did I ever tell you about the time Betty became a mud wrestler? Boy, what an exciting day that was! I still think about it sometimes. Anyway, it all happened while I was at Riverdale High! Which is where I spend most of my time, strangely enough.
Except for once we weren't at Riverdale High, Jug and I were two towns over investigating some kind of carnival. Not the wholesome kind of carnival we have in Riverdale, either!
That's right, good old Betty, clad in nothing more than a thin bathing suit, forced to wrestle another woman in a pit of slimy mud as it coats every nook and cranny of their sweaty, writhing bodies! If this wasn't a Code-approved comic book I would have been really worried about Betty.
As it happened, Betty was already pretty good at wrestling. Sometimes she'd pin me for hours!
Wait, did I just say that last part out loud?
Then one day she slammed her skull on the gym floor and lost her memory. Not really sure why they weren't wearing the required wrestling headgear that day. That's a question for Coach Clayton, I guess. Anyway, she just wandered around getting rides from strangers, which you're not supposed to do. Wear your headgear, kids!
Soon Betty was far from home, at the corner of Sleazy St. and Crud Circle, where the lady wrestlers ply their sordid trade.
Even amnesiac Betty can body-slam with the best of them, and to our evil wrestling promoter this means one thing and one thing only - mud wrestling!
We're not sure exactly how long Betty had been missing, what kind of emergency and police resources had been utilized to try and locate her, or anything like that. My memory is kinda foggy. All I know is that Charlie here decided to go to this carnival two towns over for some classy entertainment, and is sadly disappointed - until he sees Betty!
Before you know it Jug and I have made it all the way over to the carnival, and I just can't keep Jughead out of that lady mud wrestling tent. On the other hand, I guess we should make absolutely sure none of those women are Betty.
So anyway there we were watching the lady mud wrestlers, because I had to know which one was Betty, you know. No other reason.
Gosh! It WAS Betty! And then she threw me in the mud and then the manager threw us out. All in all, another normal evening out for me.
Yeah, don't let my clean cut all-American teenager looks fool you. I've been around, I've seen guys like that lady-mud-wrestling manager before, I know their kind and how they like to trick high school girls into the mud-wrestling lifestyle and then refuse to pay them. Sure, that doesn't actually sound very sleazy, but again, this is a Code-approved comic book.
Anyway, we've found our missing Betty! What's our next step - call her parents? Alert the authorities? Tell those people that print photos of missing kids on milk cartons to stop the presses?
No, I've got a much better idea - dress Jughead up like a girl and have him wrestle Betty! It's perfect! Jughead is, as everybody knows, one of Riverdale High's best wrestlers! You didn't know that? Don't you read the school paper? Where's your school spirit?
So before the next match we went out and found some girl's clothes and a wig and a little mask for Jughead to wear. The cashier at the mini-mart sure gave us some funny looks! And then Jughead went into the ring to slap some sense into Betty.
And thanks to another serious concussion Betty's memory returns. Medically speaking, this is impossible, but I'm not going to argue! Whatever gets Betty to her old self again is OK by me.
And the next day photos of Jughead dressed as a mud wrestling girl were all over Facebook, or whatever we were calling Facebook in 1977. It was more or less the best day ever. Well, so long gang! Gotta run, Betty's going to teach me some wrestling holds.
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