So, let's see, where were we... twin princes Moltar and Crystar rule the city of Galax on the planet of Crystalmethium, and they were visited by two wizards and then they got into a fight and Crystar tried to strangle Moltar, but Moltar stabbed Crystar. Nice kids, huh?
Uh oh, Moltar is caught in the act! Will the guards take this obvious murderer into custody, or should they wait for an independent judicial body to rule on the legality of succession in this case?
Or will they bow their little girly crystal helmets in obedience to their new ruler? Looks like that's what they'll do. But they're gonna grumble about it!
"I had to kill him, he would have awakened the enmity of chaos towards our kingdom!" He's dying out there lady, better go help.
The remarkable persuasive ability and totally awesome rack of Lady Almost Naked have swayed the crowd! Well, I think so, anyway. Actually drawing the crowd is too much work for our inker.
But what of Crystar and our other heroes? What fate has befallen them?
They were dragged through the street by the servant girl Ambara, while apparently all the muscular strong men stood around and watched. Way to help out there, guys. But what now? When all looks darkest, who will save them?
Hey, it's Gandalf... I mean Merlin... uh, I mean Ogeode, our resident super wizard, who teleports in with an amazing flash of light to remind us all that he can't do anything.
What he CAN do, however, is to use the powers he doesn't have to, uh, raise the dead, and to jazz up the Prism Crystal (tm) and let IT do the heavy magic lifting around here.
And he can also use the powers he doesn't have to send magic sharp pointy crystals to rain down on all the evildoers in Galax, leaving Moltar no choice but to flee the city and take refuge with the evil wizard.
Evil Wizard will let them crash on his couch while they get through this rough patch, sure. Hey, did I mention my couch is in my rec room, which is FILLED WITH HOT MOLTEN LAVA??
HA HA HA HA HA HA never trust an evil wizard kids.
But look! They've all been transformed into hideous lava monsters! And the lady is now a hideous lava monster with a great rack! But where is Moltar? Surely with a name like Moltar this sort of thing was bound to happen sooner or later!
Oh, there he is. Here, take these sticks, and these "Magma Dragons", and go bust up the place. And bring me the Prism Crystal (tm). And we need laundry detergent, and paper towels, and...
Meanwhile, back in Galax, what of our heroes? Well, I assume they're our heroes, they haven't done much, Crystar tried to strangle his brother, that's not very heroic, maybe they aren't so much "heroes" as "protagonists", perhaps. Anyway.
SHOULDN'T SOMETHING HAVE HAPPENED BY NOW, asks THE READER OF THIS PAINFULLY DULL AND OVERLONG COMIC BOOK? Don't excite yourself!
Wait, Crystar has come out of the Prism Crystal (tm) and is now CRYSTAR THE REMCO TOY CRYSTAL WARRIOR!! And might we add it's about time. All the toy-buying children who would normally be influenced by this to go out and purchase Crystar toys have long since quit reading this comic book.
Yes, of course it's Crystar! Who do you think this comic book is named after? Do you doubt the power of Ogeode, the power he's been telling everybody he doesn't have? You fools! Now GO and defeat the evil molten lava people who are attacking Galax! The evil molten lava people who became evil molten lava people because Ogeode's magic pointy pain crystals drove them underground!
Let's hear it for Ogeode, the wizard who causes more problems than he solves.
FLEE PUNY HUMANS. FLEE FROM THE WRATH OF MOLTAR. Twenty years of Marvel Comics and we're right back to ugly monsters destroying cities, commanding the puny humans to flee. Progress, I guess.
I must say, I agree with Cross-Eye Man here. Also kinda curious how a city made of crystal BURNS. I guess that's the unbelievable part.
Suddenly Moltar's "kill most humans" plan is interrupted by magic crystal people on crystal dragons flying through the sky. I would think a good dose of LSD would interrupt MOST "kill all humans" plans, to be honest.
Here we go kids, a full page spread of those awesome crystal dragons and crystal warriors fighting the lava men that you should totally think about the next time you're in the toy store.
In a tender and emotional scene the rock man and the crystal man learn that their respective transformations into rock and crystal men have all been for nothing. But it doesn't matter now! Now they must fight! Fight for dominance of the vital 8-12 year old male child toy buying market!
Crystal men beating rock men, rock men beating crystal men, rock ladies whipping crystal men. Comic books are a viable artistic medium equal to painting or literature. Right?
But enough of our highfalutin jargon. Who will save Crystar from being strangled? Not that he doesn't deserve it.
Why, it's Warbow, who vanished mysteriously earlier in the comic! Warbow, whose mere addition to the ranks of the Crystal Warriors (tm) is enough to frighten our lava monsters away. Also Charles Manson there has a club, and that's kinda scary too.
Moltar and his molto-army retreat to the bowels of the earth to plan "newer, subtler strategies". Boy, do you think we can come up with something subtler than 'kill all humans'? I dunno.
And hey, it's Uncle Feldspar! He USED to be a weird little dwarf, and through the awesome magic of our super wizards, he's now a weird little dwarf that's half-crystal and half-magma! This is better HOW, exactly?
Oh, and it turns out that Crystar has to have a girlfriend so Ambara will now be Crystar's girlfriend, even though Crystar is totally made out of shiny rock crystal and their love is unholy and painful. But Warbow USED to totally have a crush on Ambara and now his love can never be. And he's sad, which is understandable, he's a bald one-eyed rock man with no girlfriend, that would make me sad too. THUS ENDS THE SAGA OF CRYSTAR THE CRYSTAL WARRIOR!
But wait, the saga doesn't have to end, it can continue in the sandboxes and back yards of America!
Yes, available soon at your favorite toy store, the Crystal Warrior Collection, with all your favorite Crystar heroes. What's that, you don't have any favorite Crystar heroes? Well do you have one or two that are less objectionable than the rest? No? You'd rather buy Transformers or GI Joe or My Little Pony or Blinkins or Glo-Friends or almost any other kind of toy? What's wrong with you kids today? Don't you feel excited about crystal men versus rock men in a battle contrived by the ineptitude of two dopey wizards? No? No.
PREVIOUS STUPID COMICS
NEXT STUPID COMICS
BACK TO STUPID COMICS INDEX
BACK TO MAIN INDEX