It's 1996. Do you know where your manga girls are? They're at the corner of Bad Girl Lane and Japanimation Drive, experimenting with exciting new lifestyles and hair colors! What kind of exciting adventures will they get up to before curfew strikes? Let's find out!
Here in the mid 1990s, "Brainstorm Comics" takes a break from their busy schedule of publishing hundreds of comics, trading cards, lingerie specials, swimsuit annuals, naked pin-up spectaculars, and other literary triumphs starring the breasts and thighs of sexy vampire ladies, and instead gives us the breasts and thighs of Druid Warrior Grace, who is one third Sailor Moon, one third Dragonball Z, and one third... oh, I dunno, pick any one of the hundreds of eminently forgettable Japanese cartoons from the mid 1990s starring magical princesses in midriff-baring outfits who defeat evil monsters with their magical power beams. There were way too many of them to count, and their VHS corpses were all recycled into One Piece DVDs years ago. So yeah, there were a lot of terrible generic magical-power girl anime titles, and the last thing the world needed was some American wheezing one last iteration out of the concept. So here we go! Sorry, world!
Ya see, in the beginning, - we've got a whole 32 pages here so naturally we need to start our story at the CREATION OF THE UNIVERSE- in the beginning, two gods ruled over our world; Sad Naked Chick and Four-Horned Devil Guy. Which would you choose to be your lord and savior? I'm going to go with Sad Naked Chick, because Four-Horned Devil Guy has what appears to be a cooter in his forehead, and that just ain't right.
Naturally these two ultimate-powered gods must fight each other with the sharpest, straightest, most magical swords ever created by any god ever, whether they have a cooter in their forehead or not.
And they killed each other, and it didn't seem to affect the world at all in the slightest, which begs the question, what were these two gods protecting the world for? I mean, they died, and things went on pretty much as normal, so did we need Sad Naked Chick and Four-Horned Devil Guy in the first place? Apparently not! However, this does not stop legions of disciples from putting on their Akira Kurosawa cosplay and hollering a lot in attempts to bring back their useless, bickering, cooter-foreheaded gods.
Finally a way was found. Appear!
Nope, doesn't make a lick of sense. I'm sure some explanation is forthcoming.
The way was found in that there's a prophecy involving a girl that I must protect because I am Druid Warrior Grace and my destiny is to see the prophecy fulfilled, and also to wear the biggest head ornament I can find with a sharp pointy bit that constantly jams into the bridge of my nose, which is why I look so cranky.
And today my destiny would change forever! Which means it wasn't really my destiny after all, I suppose. Always been kind of fuzzy on the exact definition of "destiny".
Hey Druid Warrior Grace? You know the whole "loincloth" thing you got going on? I'm told it's supposed to handle the front AND the back. So I hear.
IMPORTANT MANGA ADVICE - shout out the names of every single attack you're doing as you do it! It's really exciting when voice actors do it in animated cartoons, and I'm sure it will be just as thrilling as it forces you to stretch two seconds of action into three or four panels! Pacing? Not me!
IMPORTANT MEDICAL ADVICE: If you experience "Burning Chi Thrust", accompanied by "Burning Discharge", see by a doctor IMMEDIATELY.
This is the part in every anime show where, after a desperate struggle, the heroine uses her super magical laser beam to totally destroy the monster. She could have done this right away, but then we would have missed five minutes of exciting cartoon action that can be used to highlight toy merchandise.
This is ALSO the part in this comic book where you realize that they're going to continue with these silly bamboo panel borders. Every single panel border in this comic book is a hand-drawn bamboo stick lashed to another hand-drawn bamboo stick. Not a screen pattern or some kind of cut-and-paste effect - some poor bastard had to draw each little bamboo stick and every teeny tiny little tiedown, creating an effect that is both tacky AND distracting, not to mention a colossal waste of time and energy.
But hey, bamboo, right? Asian, right?
Oh look, Goku, and Older Goku, and Oldest Goku.
Casual usage of Japanese words, fakey "Confucius-Says" style Oriental Wisdom, bamboo panel borders; the perfect embellishments to your story about a Druid warrior.
By the way, what's a "Druid"?
This is pretty much the scene backstage at any anime con costume contest ten or fifteen years ago, only minus the stench of unwashed fan bodies crammed into unwashed home-made Dragonball costumes. Suddenly the world of Druid Warrior Grace doesn't seem that bad.
And back in the world of Druid Warrior Grace, things have calmed down and the monsters are all gone, I'll leave the hall light on, go back to sleep.
Here I was thinking we'd get through this comic without any tentacles or bondage! Silly me.
So much going on here! First we have a monster teleporting out with the sound effect "TELEPORT!" I mean, that's kinda special. Then Druid Warrior Grace has to ask "what is the meaning of this?" Didn't she give us a whole paragraph detailing her destiny, the prophecy, et cetera? And THEN we get the words everybody's been waiting for, the 'to be continued'. It's a black and white fake-manga comic from the 1990s, of COURSE it's going to be continued! So much of the story of Druid Warrior Grace has yet to be told! Like, what a "Druid" is! Because I don't think this comic book has any idea, and I am curious to see what sort of crazy explanation they come up with!
Sadly, this would be the only outing for Druid Warrior Grace. The prophecy of destiny remains, sadly, unfulfilled.
Hey Brainstorm, that whole "fair use" thing? You're doing it wrong.
Though I am relieved to find out that this is, after all, a work of fiction. Whew!
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