It's Valentine's Day again and that means an extra-special tale full of all the things that make the holiday great - romance, heartbreak, true love, Superman, and Satan. YES, SATAN.
Oh Lois, you wanted to marry Superman so badly that you entered into a contract with the Prince Of Darkness himself? You silly girl.
One of the great things about comics is that they can be used to introduce literary works of great importance to audiences that may previously have been unaware of these classics; audiences like pre-teen readers, or Jimmy Olsen.
Fire extinguishers and sprinkler systems aren't needed when Jimmy's around - Superman is at his beck and call to put out small fires or open those difficult jars. Also Superman is convenient at inspiring Lois to offer to sell her soul to the devil in exchange for his hand in marriage. Which she does right in front of a guy dressed as the devil, who twirls his moustache in a sinister fashion. I know they needed to telegraph these plot points to the reader, but this is a bit much, I think.
And here he is, Mister Satan himself, here with a contract all made up for Lois to sign. Come on Lois, we all know how these contracts with Satan wind up, do you WANT to burn forever in the lake of fire?
Uh oh Lois, you thought that wasn't really Satan, but that's what Satan wanted you to think! Yes, Satan tricked you. That's what he does. He's Satan.
Conveniently on location in an active volcano, Lois finds Satan in his natural element, predicting what's about to happen, which is Lois being rescued by Superman. Not that such a thing is hard to predict.
And Hey! Superman finally gets down on one knee and asks Lois to marry him, and then defaces a mountainside with his heat vision! It's true love!
Sadly it turns out that this was all Satan's mind control. Funny how you never see Satan when Superman's around. I wonder....
Oh, come on. If she can't figure out who Clark Kent really is, there's no way she'll get THIS one.
True to Satan's prediction Superman once again asks Lois to be his super-bride. He's at the mercy of Satan's diabolical powers! Or maybe he's tired of the bachelor life. Who knows.
Lois's pre-wedding daydreams of birthing two super-children should be the happiest days of her life, but instead are a nightmare of worry and horror about being put in a little box for all eternity. Hey Lois, trapped in a kitchen, trapped in a box, what's the diff? Wise up sister!
Right around this point you're saying, surely this whole Satan thing is a big fake, when are we going to get to the big reveal? Well, right about now is when.
I feel bad for those Kryptonians trapped in the bottled city of Kandor, with nothing better do to than help Superman out with his crazy Lois-befuddling schemes. Lucky for Earth there are no disasters or crime waves, no killer meteors or space robot attacks while Superman is executing his complicated plan to teach Lois a lesson by making her think Satan is forcing Superman to marry her. The lesson being, say it with us, Superman is a dick.
Oh crap, Satan - I mean Superman- Superman was SURE Lois would back out of the wedding! But she's not backing out! The caterer has been paid and her whole family is there! Would YOU back out? Sometimes I wonder about Superman's supposed super-brain not being quite so super.
Yup, looks like you're gonna have to get married, Superman! The laugh's on you! Well, we're outta here! Back to Kandor! Enjoy married life!
Boy, how is Superman gonna get out of this one? "This one" meaning the fortieth or fiftieth time he's almost or actually married Lois?
Oh man, LOIS REALLY DID KNOW IT WAS SUPERMAN ALL ALONG. Check out the look of contempt on her face here - it's priceless.
THROW THAT BOUQUET IN HIS FACE, LOIS. And yet, even confronted with the fact that Superman is a manipulative know-it-all prepared to impersonate Satan Himself to "teach Lois a lesson", Lois still dreams of the day when she can "really earn the right to be called Mrs. Superman". And why not? These two spend all their free time messing with each other's heads, they deserve each other.
That's our story kids, happy Valentine's Day and remember, don't play cards with Satan! Or Superman, for that matter!
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