Time for another look at comic book ads from a simpler time... a time when children were magical, wholesome beings who were raised by loving parents in a world free from smart phones, video games, rap music, and all the other horrible terrors of our modern world.
As seen here in this Captain Tootsie ad, children of the 1940s were healthy and fun-loving, and their only concern was the occasional hand grenade.
WAIT, HAND GRENADE? Yes, Jimmy "found a hand grenade" somewhere, and took it out to "play with". Good thing Captain Tootsie happened to be passing by on his Tootsie Roll Delivery route! Say, what kind of job is that for a grown man anyway? Why aren't you in the Army, Captain Tootsie? I bet you aren't even a real captain.
Hootin' zoots, Fatso! So much is wrong with our world! Hand grenades in the hands of children, children who snitch things back from their moms, the casual slander of the very nickname "Fatso", and the spectre of military service that looms before us, even in the games we play! Let the grenade have us, Fatso. Sweet embrace of eternity, free us from our pain!
But Captain Tootsie catches the grenade in mid-air and hurls it down the brook, where it kills a beaver, three fish, and a patrol of Girl Scouts collecting wildflowers. Don't ever do that again, fellas! Too many persons have been injured or killed while playing with discarded ammunition! And don't even get me started on the millions and millions of people injured and killed when this ammunition is used for its intended purpose, which is to injure and kill millions and millions of people! Now have a Tootsie Roll.
Head home, Jimmy. Your mom wants to give you THE SPANKING OF YOUR LIFE. Don't plan on sitting down for the next few years.
Wow, thanks for the tip, Rollo! We have another tip we'd like to share with the kids.
Let's move on from candy to another vital part of 1940s childhood - shoes. Specifically Thom McAn shoes, which every kid knows are durable and stylish, perfect for school or play. Surely the ad-men of the 40s can't work a wartime angle into children's shoes. Right?
Nope. They are all in. Secret earthquake machine, Japanese rocket sub, green-skinned, bespectacled, Fu Manchu moustache-sporting Japanese spies speaking in stilted Hollywood dialect - selling shoes with this arrangement is going to be tough, fellas!
Luckily for America and the shoe industry, Thom and his magical pal "H" can save us all! Put on your "Bazooka Shoes", Thom, and zoom for Tokyo!
That's right - a young boy, his magical pal "H", and a "trip". Likely followed by a visit from their pal "Cold Turkey".
Here in Thom McAn world, even the Japanese call themselves "Japs". But not for long, as the "Bazooka-shoes" of Thom McAn activate the earthquake machine, causing death, devastation, and horror for multitudes of men, women, and children. That's a pretty heavy trip to lay on a 10-year old. Buy our shoes!
Your "Bazooka-shoes" sure saved the day, Thom! Now get some rest. I'm sure the screaming of millions won't haunt your dreams tonight and every night from now on. And THIS is the real reason "H" never speaks. He's seen too much suffering.
Which is what you'll feel if you aren't wearing Thom McAn shoes! They've got keen styles - a favorite with high school and college crowds! Wear 'em the next time you wipe a major metropolitan area off the map, or take a magical trip with "H". Thom McAn.
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