Back in the groovy 1970s books like "Eat Right To Stay Fit" were all the rage, encouraging Americans to eat healthy and promote a general sense of wellness and oneness with the Earth and all living things here on Spaceship Earth. But right now we're not in the 1970s, we're in the clean-shaven aggressive go-getting 1950s and there's only one reason to Eat Right - to WIN!!!
Unfortunately Bob Turner is NOT eating right and he is NOT winning. What's the prob, Bob?
What's the matter with you, Bob? Look at Betty! She's out there shaking what moneymaker she has, giving her all for good old Central High, and you're whiffing baskets like ringers at a Harlem Globetrotters game!
Crushed by his failure, Bob retreats to the locker room to go hatch his eggs.
The women in Bob's life are concerned by his failure on the court AND in class. He sleeps nine hours a night (lucky!) and he spends all his time in the corner store eating Ding Dongs and drinking Yoo Hoos, and it's got Betty really concerned. Our little cheerleader is going to need a bit of cheering up herself, says the attractive single teacher! BOW CHICKA WOW WOW get your mind out of the gutter, it's the '50s. Sex won't be invented for another fifteen years.
Bob's junk food addiction COULD be at the root of his failure. Mysteriously absent parents could ALSO be part of this equation... but this comic is about nutrition, not separation trauma. So we'll just handle what we can handle. Now run along for lunch.
Looks to me like both these busybodies should quit worrying about meals and get their hearing checked!
"Well Betty I'm thinking of giving up basketball, I've always been lousy at it..." "Now Bob, that was just a bad break!" "No, Betty, I suck at it, I actually hate basketball and every moment out there on that court is torture, sheer torture, and..." "I WILL NOT HEAR OF YOU QUITTING BASKETBALL, BOB"
Miss White will NOT stand for these insults directed at wonderful, life-giving soil.
Helpfully labeled tomato and corn seeds explain how "plant and animal materials" - that's silage and manure, kids - are changed into valuable plant foods through the miracle of soil! That's not at all what a tomato seed looks like, but anything's possible in comics.
Miss White and Jim - Bob's brother - meet in person rather than over their scratchy, badly modulated 1950s party-line telephones, and hey, looks like there's some nutritionally informative sparks flying around here! But before things can get too cozy- LOOK! REAL TOMATOES! GET THE CAMERA!
Well, Bob, some foods are simply not classy enough for humans to eat - so we use animals to convert low-grade, "trash" food into stylish, elegant foods fit for people. Certain people. People for whom a life of refinement and taste is second nature. No alfalfa for them!
And what kind of food would that be? MEAT! VEAL BEEF HAMBURGERS STEAKS CHOPS ROASTS SAUSAGE BACON MEAT! Oh boy!
Say, I wonder if this comic was sponsored by some corporation perhaps involved in the meat packing industry. I wonder.
And millions of acres of land would go to waste if we didn't use them to grow fodder for meat animals. We can't let this land just lie around being lazy! Get to work, land!
"You know between plants and animals we get just about all our food!" Remember, Bob's been spending a lot of time eating Hostess Snack Cakes in the corner store, and those have never been contaminated by any plant or animal substance whatsoever.
In many cases livestock are fed better than people, because livestock is used for food for people, who aren't fed as well as the livestock. Something is wrong with this scenario here, I can't quite put my finger on it...
So let's recap. Soil - plants - meat - meat processor - meat distributor - meat retailer - meat purchaser - meat preparer - meat consumer (you), and from then on it's meat all the way down, right until your second or third coronary.
And that's why America's meat distributors and retailers have made us a strong and prosperous nation, thanks to meat. It's all there! Eat it already! But shouldn't we balance our diets? Isn't there some sort of chart that will classify foods in some sort of rigid, OCD style arrangement? Can't we just mash it all up on the plate? It's all going the same place!
BUTTER IS A FOOD GROUP! See, I told you.
Why a baby statue? To remind us, Betty, that WE'RE CANNIBALS ARRGH RIP TEAR BLOOD YAAA AIEEEEEEE
And that's how this comic would end if it was a pre-Code horror comic. But it's not. Not intentionally, anyway.
Eating right will produce babies capable of climbing lamps, boxing, and lifting weights while balancing other babies on their heads! Sure, this is crazy, but this is a comic about nutrition, not child-rearing. Remember, it's thanks to the food industry that we can now feed our babies. I have no idea how babies ate before the food industry came along to process and strain things. It's a mystery for sure. If only some meat-packing company would sponsor an educational exhibit about food to teach us their wisdom!
Say Miss White, in the interests of science and stuff, why don't we have a picnic next Sunday? For science, you know! I'll hold up some butter with a smug grin on my face! It'll be great!
Looks like some soil-smeared romance is on the way for Miss White and Mister Turner - and it's all thanks to the basic seven food groups, the junk food down at the corner store, some inept basketball, and Swift & Co Meat Packers of The World, Chicago! Enjoy some meat today!
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