And now let's check in with one of America's finest young collegiate men circa 1942! What challenges face our university students in this time of worldwide crisis? Will intellectual progress and research be stifled by wartime? Will our students study and learn and improve their intellects? Or will there just be some face-punching?
Face-punching, then. Fine. We'll need plenty of that face-punching college spirit as America's defense geniuses involve random students in their top-secret tank-defense plans (here's a hint: it's called "an airplane"). Remember even if Karisura IS a (racial slur), you need to know he's LOYAL! Even after we moved his whole family into the relocation camp and handed their family business over to strangers and continue to refer to them as "Hitler's buck-toothed pals"! Loyal! And possessed of an endless supply of patience and forbearance, apparently!
Uh oh the Germans and the Japanese are teaming us as per the terms of the treaty they signed with Italy. Italian guy is driving the get away car. They've used their wily Oriental torture methods to force Karisura to reveal the location of Colonel Brant and the secret plans, and then they leave him to face his shame, confident that Karisura will commit honorable suicide. But first... the telephone!
Karisura doesn't call the police or the army or the FBI or the Secret Service or any of the applicable authorities who, with their squad cars and radios and stuff, might be expected to race to Colonel Brant's aid before the spies steal the plans. Nope, he calls a college football player whom he met for three minutes a couple of days ago. And who doesn't even get the message, thanks to Evil Football Trainer Hoefer. Hoefer. Hmm. I wonder if this guy is a German spy. Naw, couldn't be.
Right now is the exact point where this comic's habit of putting the captions at the bottom of panels becomes really off-putting. As we can see Duffy is a college football superstar, flinging opponents away with a wave of his magic hands and charging that pigskin across the goal line repeatedly, eventually feeling pretty stupid for playing football while the fate of the free world hangs in the balance.
Talk about a race against death! A race he's already lost one half of! Can you deal with the shame of failure, Duffy? Is hara kiri the only way out for you too? We can only hope.
Too late Dan! Grab the gang and go track down Hoefer! Deal with Hoefer's annoyed landlady! Hit the road in your giant '42 Olds! Let Marcia drive, because she's got a lead foot! Let your wimpy pal "Blink" sit in the middle and contemplate his own uselessness! All in a days work for America's wide-awake college youth.
Using every bit of his amazing football prowess, Dan leaps from a moving car and hovers in mid-air while face-punching a guy who is simultaneously driving another car and shooting a gun. And they say comic books are unrealistic!
Crash! A car hits a tree. Wham! A car hits another car. Bop! Duffy face-punches Hoefer. It's nothing but auto crashes and face punching for Dan Duffy, College Man!
After crashing two cars and face-punching a face that seems to be floating in mid-air, Duffy is finally brought down by the cowardly gun-butt on the back of the head. Honorable Japanese member of Axis Tripartite Spy Ring greatly regrets burning honorable American football star alive. Looks like Duffy's face-punching days are over!
FINALLY after a string of gruesome suicides, car crashes, and face punches, the police arrive. It's time for "Blink" to shine! Use those spectacle-protected eyeballs, "Blink", and rescue our hero!
This calls for the Harbor Police! You come along too Duffy, you're a college man so obviously you are well qualified to perform all the duties of a Harbor Policeman, which sometimes include operating the .30 caliber machine gun the Harbor Police helpfully mount on their skiffs. That's more like a Harbor Special Attack Squadron kind of thing, really.
Duffy unloads a full portion of face-punching whup-ass on the entire crew of Nazi/Japanese/Italian/You Name It, A Lot of Nationalities Went With The Axis In That War, It's Hard To Keep Track Sometimes spies. In fact he's forced to knee one and sort of brush the other one with his shoe at one point. Duffy's kind of out of his league here. But still, not many college guys could operate a machine gun the way Duffy does here, which begs the question, why the hell isn't Duffy in the army?
And with bullet-riddled, face-punched Axis spies writhing in abject painful surrender, Duffy hands them over to the police, who frankly should have been involved in this whole business from the beginning, seriously, college football players are not the people you want guarding your secret plans from spies, because occasionally college football players have to, you know, play football.
Watch what happens to Dan Duffy in our next issue!
NEXT ISSUE: Drafted
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