Hello 1967! I know what you're crazy for - hippies and psychedelic music! But this is Stupid Comics and comics about hippies and psychedelic music were few and far between in those days. Nope, what the comic book world was crazy for was super heroes. Every outfit was getting into the act, or getting back into the act after being out of the act, or fumbling drunkenly into the act without actually knowing what the act is or how the act is performed. And that's where we're at here with Dell, who jumped right into the super hero comic book game with today's little offering.
"Hey fellas what are we going to call this super hero comic we're doing?" "Gee, I dunno. Let's come up with a great name that will really grab the readers." "Wait Bob, it's time for a coffee break. Let's just call it "Super Heroes" and quit for the day." "Good idea, Fred." And thus did this super hero comic recieve a name that is either painfully matter of fact, or an ultra-ironic post-modern commentary on the simplistic nature of fads. Knowing Dell, I'm going to go with "painfully matter of fact."
You see, Paul McCartney met John Lennon in school, and they... wait, wrong Fab Four. THIS Fab Four is a superhero team made of of Handsome Guy, Miniskirt Girl, Weird Guy One, and Weird Guy Two, who are in fact the mightiest heroes of all time, which is probably how L Man there can shoot laser rays at the front of a robot while standing behind a robot. That's pretty mighty.
First you must accompany this comic book to the Dell Hall Of Heroes. Here's Bob from Accounting, who managed to get the company out of that bankruptcy scare a few years back. Here's Mister Jenkins, the custodian, who cleans up after those crazy holiday parties without ever complaining. And here's Mrs. Evans, the boss's secretary, who always warns us when he's in a bad mood. Heroes all! Oh yeah, here's also a caveman and an astronaut and an Indian.
"Reb is chilly at the height of a heat-wave." Super hero action AND absurdist beat poetry in the same comic? Thanks Dell!
Here they are! The very latest in super heroes - El, Polymer Polly, Hy, and Crispy!
Crispy. How would you like to be a super-hero named "Crispy"? Is that an attribute generally given to super heroes? Was this entire thing written in the fifteen minutes before quitting time on a Friday?
Meanwhile, Professor Squinty McBeardo stands before HIS super robot, which only needs to stand in the center of an atomic pile for a few hours before he's ready to conquer the world. Or melt into a pile of radioactive goo. Either one is fine.
Luckily there just happens to be a nuclear power plant located conveniently downtown right next to the Dell Hall Of Heroes, guarded night and day by a guy saying "Bring it inside, Mack!" And people say atomic power isn't safe!
Fun fact - activating your world dominating super robot is more or less the same procedure you use when jump-starting your car. And like jump-starting your car, you'll probably get the positive and negative terminals mixed up.
And just like the last time I tried to jump start my car, you'll get a lot of crazy sparks and the crashing of wood and the menacing appearance of a world-dominating super robot. And then you'll just go to Canadian Tire and buy a new battery like you should have done to begin with.
"A fantastic surge of power creates havoc with all electrical equipmal!" Definitely written in the fifteen minutes before quitting time. I hear the bar car on the 5:02 to Westport calling my name!
Are they dead? I don't know comic, it's your story, you tell me!
What does it mean? I DON'T KNOW COMIC, IT'S YOUR STORY, YOU TELL ME! Jesus Dell, I didn't pay twelve cents to write it myself!
Polly Wheeler's mind seems to be inside Polly Polymer's android body! Maybe Polly Wheeler's mind can get Polly Polymer to buy a skirt that isn't embarrassingly indecent!
Even an android can cry at the convoluted hand-waving necessary to explain away this brain-switching nonsense. Why not just say a wizard did it? A wizard did it.
Polly finds she can put her mind back in her robot body and now she has an awful pain in her head. Now she knows what it's like to read this comic book! Serves you right, Polly!
And after successfully putting their minds back in their proper bodies suddenly the kids are all about putting their minds BACK into the androids. What won't kids today do for kicks? I swear.
Meanwhile next door in the exploded nuclear plant, dangerous radioactive material is spewing all over the city in an invisible cloud of sudden, irreversible death, poisoning hundreds of square miles and causing untold misery for millions. Also there's a robot.
Uh oh, evil robot suddenly able to spout torrents of dopey, megalomaniacal dialogue - now you're faced with the mightiest superhero of all time! Will all the shattering powers of the universe bring defeat to "L"??
It's the greatest super hero battle of all time, complete with laser rays, claw-on-face action, and snowballs. Snowballs are a vital ingredient of any great super hero battle, don't you know.
Hey guys, you could just hide in the NEW opera house, nobody goes there either. Opera! Yeesh.
What I like about the OLD opera house is that it's about the size of a Starbucks. Not a big opera town, I guess.
Being veteran comic book readers we're used to the idea of super cold heroes freezing water and gliding across the water. What we're not really clear on is where the water comes from to begin with. In this case... well, either a convenient pipe burst somewhere, or it's pee. I'm going to go with the pipe bursting.
Uh oh, our evil world-conquering robot is after them! What I like about this particular evil, soulless, world-conquering robot is that he says things like "ooops!" and "whoops!" which adds a certain charm to his otherwise grim demeanor.
AIIIEEEE says the inhuman, computerized, emotionless calculating machine robot as he plunges two or three stories to his certain doom. It wasn't his fault he was programmed for evil! After all, he wasn't the one who selected the "evil" upgrade while downloading the latest software updates. It's an easy mistake to make, especially with shareware.
Is this the end of our Super Heroes? Have their amazing adventures concluded with the smash of evil robot parts against the unforgiving concrete of an unfortunately irradiated city? Or will our look at this ridiculously padded, slowly paced, super-tedious Dell Super Hero story continue next week? Tune in and see!
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