You got your science fiction mixed up with my fantasy! No, YOU got YOUR fantasy mixed up with my science fiction! What a quandary. And that's just the situation we're dealing with in today's Stupid Comics! Are they two tastes that taste great together?
The mighty rack of Elf Princess Lady heaves and jiggles as every fiber of her mystic butt trembles with the force of her supernatural magic powers in defiance of a charmingly amused dragon. There ya go, large-bosomed elf lady and dragon, that's every fantasy novel cover ever, that's how you know you aren't buying a spy novel or a Stephen King book or "Zen And The Art Of Motorcycle Maintenance."
So, that's fantasy taken care of, now what about the science fiction?
When the very first page of the very first issue of this brand new story starts with "The Story Thus Far" you know you're in BIG TROUBLE.
This is what happens when your spaceship design team is made up of 13 year old boys with Sharpies in a public restroom- you get the SS Rod Johnson and the Space Cruiser Dirk Diggler, all lost in the reaches of infinite space, surrounded by giggling.
Seriously, these are penises
Sitting down, enjoying your coffee, suddenly you start to feel the call. And you know that it's best not to ignore that call. Because you just had coffee, and maybe a bran muffin, and you start feelin' that call and you want to make sure you've got some time set aside and some easily accessible Charmin when you're feelin' that call.
So what would jazz up this ripoff of Star Trek Voyager? Why not rip off the classic "I Am Kiroc!" episode of the original Star Trek series? Sure, you can claim it's Star Commander Lieutenant Moonbeam McHippyshadow entering the spirit realm, but come on.
Ladies and gentlemen we have a Dragon, and it's appearing inside a Dream. WE HAVE A TITLE
One thing I demand from all my Star Command Lieutenants is that they be really, really high. Check out those pupils! Sure, Lieutenant, take all the time you need to figure out what's a crazy dream and what's the real world before you go piloting starships. We'll wait.
"As your captain I need you ready for whatever comes! And as your sexy captain lover I need you to violate all reasonable military regulations concerning fraternization between officers! Now put on that dream loincloth - that's an order!"
The crew gathers in Meeting Room #2 (because all starships need at least two meeting rooms, you know, for birthday parties, health and safety lectures, and workplace discrimination seminars) to really drive home to the reader that, what with the spaceships lost and the woman captain and all, that they're really working that whole Star Trek Voyager thing hard and will continue to do so.
Gosh, who would have known that Ensign Punker McMohawk would flip out?
"Remember Punky, we have no way to get back to Earth! Pay more attention to Star Trek Voyager, Sundays at 9pm on your local UPN station! Now, even though you've interrupted my briefing and I was nowhere near finished, I'm going to dismiss everybody! Dismissed!"
Meanwhile down on the planet, the Away Team uses their tricorders to scan for any signs of Klingons or rainbow trout in the lake, because they don't want any surprises when fishing. And then Star Commander Starbeam Granolapixie starts having a flashback. Well, I ask you, who really knew about acid in those days?
Everybody use your Mini Macs to re-establish contact. Hopefully you're all running OSX, at the very least!
That's an Apple Computer joke. They just work!
Meanwhile, those spaceships continue to resemble male genitalia. It's honestly very disturbing.
Looks like a certain star ship is having some burning sensations and will probably need to visit the star ship clinic to get a few injections of star ship penicillin! You gotta be more careful where you pilot that thing, says the nurse!
As you can see this page was so awesome that the decision was made to just draw it sideways and let the reader turn the whole comic book 90 degrees, so to as to fully appreciate all the science-fiction dialogue about crosslinked systems and A-Grav Banks, and also the Gerry Anderson reference, because nerds
And with a "KA-THOOOOM" of its little landing skis, the mighty starship Priapus lands on the mysterious unknown planet.
"All right people, put on your little helmets and get out there and find me some hunky sleeping elf-men. Go!"
EPILOGUE. I guess our story ended there with the sleeping elf-man. Here we get some third-person narration detailing the mood of the titular Dragon, who's happy because after being dead for fifteen thousand years he finally has a little spirit man to play with.
Our dead Dragon used to have a elf queen woman to play with but she's been in a trance for 500 years, until now! Now we finally get to marvel at the magnificent elf-queen bosoms promised on the cover! Now the sleeper has awakened and the spice must flow and she feels a great disturbance in the Force and etc., etc.
"She has no time to mourn it is passing or that of it is original owner, or to use grammar properly when dealing with posessives!"
And here we go with the Fantasy part of this SF&F epic, in which there's a lot of glowing energy balls and flying dragons and mystical utterances and absolute eye-rolling boredom on the part of the reader because this nonsense was old hat in 1970. Elf Lady's magical lightning has no effect on the dragon, because how can the living affect the dead? I dunno, but this dead dragon seems to be doing a good job affecting the living, and you'd think this stuff would work both ways.
Sadly, Busty The Elf Queen fails and is once more enslaved mentally by the spirit of the dead dragon, which returns to the black crystal in which it rests, confident of it is control over it is slave GODDAMN IT THERE'S NO APOSTROPHE IN THE POSESSIVE FORM that's irritating! Sorry to be a grammar cop, but holy jesus is that annoying. Don't do it, kids.
But through the miracle of astral projection our elf queen releases her spirit from its enslaved body and is free to fly around, scaring everybody because it's a g-g-g-ghost!
GREAT SHANTU! A FURRY!
And with this astonishing revelation of campfires, Native American customs, and a fox-dude wearing clothes, we leave Planet Mountainworld and the Star Command Lieutenant Rainshadow Peacedream and the dreaming dead Dragon, never to see them again. Yes; there was only one issue of this comic book. What happened to our merry band of space adventurers? Did they return to the fan fiction from whence they came? Or were they assimilated by the Borg - I mean, "the Moralists"? Only the legal department at Paramount knows for sure.
For more information on busty elf maidens, see the covers of every fantasy novel ever published, ever.
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