Can your heart stand the shocking facts about the twilight people, between the living and the dead, caught trying to hack out inane "suspense" comics in the dark days just after the Comics Code forced them to quit using murder, zombies, and ghouls? Are you ready for the HOLE TRUTH about Stupid Comics?
Okay so we're going to dive right into this hole here. We've got Important Real Person whose name is supposed to vaguely sound familiar, and a walk in the woods, and a hawk chasing a little elf in a pointy hat and Captain America boots. Got it!
Whew! The poor little elf dodged the giant man-hand-claws of the falcon long enough to dive into a hole in the ground, where he... was promptly eaten by a badger? Yes?
Dodgson had to find out for himself if elves are real so he fell right down that hole into Elfland. Strangely smiling elfland.
The text keeps reminding us that Dodgson is "timid", but look, he's throwing rocks at falcons and investigating strange holes. "Timid" would be "running home crying because a big bird scared him."
Okay, sure, maybe he threw the rock to help the elf, or maybe he just really hates falcons! Didja think of that? I should quit overthinking this, we're clearly "through the looking glass" here people. Oh dang, that's a spoiler
So you guys want to live on the surface? Well, there are many careers available for the elf-identified. Are you any good at sitting on shelves? Can you snap, crackle, or pop? How are your cookie baking skills?
Well DUH, you GOTTA chain your ELF SLAVES. Everybody knows that! Especially the crazy hat guy and the dress rabbit and the crying turtle, you won't get any elf-slave work out of 'em if they aren't chained.
So a guy from the 19th century travels to a far away land where they practice capital punishment and slavery. What fantastical crazy mixed-up world could this be? Other than half the nations on Planet Earth, that is?
And when the elves decide you won't plead their case to the surface world, THEY ATTACK! Luckily timid Dodgson uses his Math-Fu to send his teeny attackers sprawling, and he makes his escape to the surface world.
Best part is how they warn him to not tell anyone about the elf civilization because they'll think he's crazy - but that's EXACTLY WHAT THEY WANTED HIM TO DO IN THE FIRST PLACE, to tell everybody about the elf civilization! Make up your minds, elves!
How to warn the world of the threat of hateful, enslaving elves? Passive-aggressively, that's how! Hide behind a fake name, change everything around, put it all in a children's book, and then get really angry at all the stupid sheeple who don't "get" your "real message"!
Okay, we're just about done. Just about time for the big twist ending "rest of the story" reveal for the two or three people who didn't roll their eyes and sigh reading the very first caption in the very first panel. Are you ready?
YES! IT WAS BELOVED CHILDREN'S AUTHOR LEWIS CARROLL ALL ALONG! His books about Alice weren't some sort of sublimated inappropriate relationship thing at all, but a warning to the surface world to beware of hateful elves! A warning that, until this 1956 issue of "Spellbound", went completely unrecognized.
Here's a tip for all you would-be whistleblowers out there: just call your damn book "LOOK OUT FOR THE HATEFUL ELVES UNDERGROUND, THEY ENSLAVE WHIMSICAL CREATURES." Chances are everybody thinks you're crazy already.
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