Say you want to spin some twist-ending mystery stories and you need some sort of catalyst to spark these adventures, and say you're moderately hung over and not getting along with Editorial, and say it's 3pm on a Friday and you just want to get the hell out of that office and back home because if you spend one more minute at work you'll turn into some kind of a green glob. Green Glob! THAT'S IT!
Yes, it's another Green Glob adventure. I know what you're thinking! "There were MULTIPLE Green Glob adventures?!" Well sir, that Green Glob was fascinating enough to appear in the back pages of seventeen whole issues of "Tales Of The Unexpected" back in the 60s. You have to admit, there's nothing people don't expect more than a Green Glob. I know I do! Or don't!
So what is this Green Glob, where does he come from, what's his purpose in life, is he alive, is he a "he", inquiring minds want to know! Let's find out in a story they call "The Man Who Dared To Die"!
Brian Desmond, annoyed big-city dweller, sick of the rat race, sick of working for DC Comics having to come up with insipid mystery stories starring some kind of green glob, and eater of giant meals of bad Mexican food, is about to be enveloped by a cloud of mysterious gaseous matter... here... in the Twilight Zone. Now for this word from Chesterfields, the cigarette with the great taste of 21 vintage tobaccos grown mild, aged mild, and blended mild. No wonder they satisfy so completely.
Ya see, ordinary rat racing slob Desmond once found an ancient map that described a mysterious warp in the very fabric of space and time itself, and it opens a door to another dimension where an incredible good luck charm awaits those brave enough to grasp it. I'd say if you have that kind of map proving the existence of dimension-crossing gateways, you were pretty lucky already, but what do I know, I don't smoke Chesterfields. But what did Desmond do with this knowledge?
Desmond stood in front of the portal to another universe and said, gee, I don't know what's on the other side, maybe there's poison gas or deadly radiation or laws of physics so out of whack that my body gets turned inside out and every atom explodes instaneously in a cataclysm that could demolish both our universes, so I'm not going in. Which is honestly the best thing to do there Desmond. But no, Desmond always thinks the grass is greener on the other side of the dimensional portal, so he wishes really, really hard and the Green Glob uses every bit of its Green Glob powers and suddenly there Desmond is back in front of that dimensional portal!
He just leaps right through that portal in his JC Penney "action slacks", ready for anything. Even a weird frozen sea filled with angry fish! I tell you what buddy you come out on the lake in January, bring the ice saw, we can spend some time on frozen seas dealing with angry fish, and the only thing we'll use to cross over into other dimensions is a bottle opener!
"Maybe I can hitch a ride in one of these crazy miniature tornadoes!" It's dialog like this that keeps us coming back to the Silver Age of Comics. "So long, fish-heads!"
A crazy sloping bridge, a pink river, big pink bubbles, steady boy, ease back and case what's going on... what's going on? The Spectre is coming, that's what's going on! Look out for the Spectre in a DC comic near you soon! Now back to your pink bubbles.
Dang it, once again Desmond's cautious, careful, "let's not get killed here in the crazy strange dimension" attitude has cost him! When is he going to man up, put on his big boy JC Penney Action Slacks, and live out the title of this story by daring to die? I dare you, Desmond!
It's at times like this when he's trapped in another dimension, sliding down a slippery bridge on a flat rock while weird pink bubbles pop all around him, that Desmond really wishes he had the courage to quit drinking.
YES, we have boner-related dialog! Always a plus. Thank you, changing society, for turning a heretofore harmless word into one guaranteed to make teenagers snicker. You've made our job much easier.
And just when Desmond thought he'd be trapped in the pink balloon dimension forever, he grabs the charm and ZING he's back in our normal world! Our normal world of wish-granting Green Globs! Now let's sit back and watch his good luck charm work like a charm! I bet there won't be any unforseen consequences at all.
Like a miracle Desmond's sweepstakes ticket- which we're using here in the archaic usage of a sweepstakes involving a horse race- his ticket won! So he's got lots of cash to invest in oil wells. Too bad the jockey who won got thrown from the horse and injured. Those are the tough breaks, says Desmond, cruelly making light of the broken bones suffered by the jockey. What a dick.
What's that? Desmond's oil well is spewing damaging oil into our environment destroying crops and reducing the quality of life? Welcome to the petrochemical industry Desmond, where around here "massive environmental disaster" is just "Tuesday".
And that dynamite blast they set off for his new house knocked another house right into the river! I'm seeing a pattern here - a pattern of Desmond hiring tremendously incompetent people to dig his oil wells and build his houses. Maybe he should hold his magic charm and wish for better contractors, right?
Right? Wrong. He wished himself right back into his old apartment, without the charm or the house or the oil or the trip to Dimension X, with a happy, environmental disaster-free life ahead of him! And only YOU know how all this happened! Only you and the GREEN GLOB, which now moves on to influence others in strange and mysterious ways! For instance, it influenced us to express disbelief that anyone could build a series of stories around a speechless, featureless, floating blob! And to be honest I'm not sure if they succeeded or not. Only the Green Glob knows. GLOB OUT!
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