It's that time of year again, where we give thanks for the blessings of the previous year by packing the kids in the Country Squire and driving them to the nearest Bob's Big Boy.
Wait, that isn't a Thanksgiving tradition? Well, it should be.
For one thing, nobody has to wash dishes. Nobody in your family anyway. Another good point - free "Adventures Of Big Boy" comics, some of which promise a visit to the popular TV series "Little House On The Prairie"!
Dolly's Pilgrim dress and Big Boy's Pilgrim hat, well, they've just excited Blonde Kid here way beyond all sense or reason, and he's got to holler I'M GOING TO BIG BOY'S SUPER SPECIAL THANKSGIVING PARTY across the street to those other kids who aren't anywhere near as lucky as he is. I wonder what will make this party so special? Knowing Big Boy Restaurants, maybe the servers will be extra grumpy today!
This particular party is special because Big Boy, using Thanksgiving as a teachable moment, invited Chief Crowdog to tell the kids all about the many different nations of pre-European peoples that were already living in North America when the Puritans showed up to spoil the party. Well, they were Puritans, that's what they did.
Take your mind off the fact that the Wampanoag peoples who saved the Pilgrims at Plymouth Rock didn't live in tepees, and instead consider a smiling Big Boy dreaming of being shown a native boy's "tepee". It's neat!
If I had to paint my dreams on the side of my tepee, it would be that dream where you're in the flea market and you find a box full of great old comics and cool toys and it's all like fifty cents each and you wake up thinking you just got these awesome deals, and then you realize it was all a dream. Or a cow. Sometimes I dream about cows.
Then we have to chase the ceremonial canoe before it gets away!
Uh oh, looks like our happy confederation of native peoples & family restaurant mascots is being menaced by a woodland creature! Who will save us? The people who have lived their entire lives dealing with fierce woodland creatures, or a person who's lived his life dealing with surly suppliers and disgruntled customers - Big Boy!
Unaccustomed to "sunlight", the wildcat runs away. Hooray for Big Boy, who apparently has been hallucinating this entire adventure. I think what he's had here is a seizure of some kind, and he should probably see a doctor as soon as possible.
And so our Big Boy time-travel hallucination comes to a close with a wish that all children could chase the ceremonial canoe and be menaced by wildcats. But is this the end of our Big Boy Thanksgiving Adventure? We were promised a visit to the Little House On The Prairie!
Okay, fine, here you go. Big Boy, Dolly and Nugget, as befitting their status as important American pop culture figures, were naturally invited to help celebrate the 5th anniversary of the Little House TV show. Or maybe they just got a press kit in the mail and figured they could kill 3 pages with it. Whatever.
Why did Carrie Ingalls sign her name twice? I dunno, why did Ma not get to sign her name at all? Maybe she found out there were Indians in this comic.
Turns out Carrie signed her name twice because the role was played by identical twins, owing to Hollywood's rigid child performer laws that ensure children aren't forced to work more than a set amount of time every day, a red-tape nanny-state nightmare undoubtedly infuriating the libertarian spirit of the actual Laura Ingalls Wilder. Also infuriating "Little House" purists is the TV show's complete lack of fidelity to the source material, from the non-prairie Simi Valley location to the addition of teen heartthrob Matt Laborteaux as a completely invented character. And we all want to know, where the hell is Pa's beard? Get with it Michael Landon!
Remember, comic books teach us there was no pollution in the 1870s. They used special magic coal and wood that didn't produce any smoke whatsoever. Now go play some hoops and breathe deeply, that fresh air is good for you.
Never mind those factories. It's the 1870s and pollution. doesn't. exist. The end. Stay tuned for a very special episode of "Touched By An Angel."
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