Gen-X kids know him as the star of "Shogun" and Millenials applaud his role of "Bill Kennedy" in episode 4 of the new Twin Peaks series, but Baby Boomers instantly recognize Richard Chamberlain as the handsome star of the popular medical drama "Dr. Kildare", setting hearts a-flutter across the medium of television for five whole seasons. But was there a dark side to the sensitive good looks of Richard Chamberlain? A dark side exploited by those who bore a slight resemblance to the actor? Comic books say "yes."
Now let's be honest. Who among us hasn't taken their uncanny likeness to a Hollywood star and used it for personal gain? I know I have. Can you fault Bill Peters for cashing in on the genetic lottery jackpot?
Never let it be said that DC Comics didn't repurpose artwork. Because they did.
So one day Jane Turner was playing tennis, and she met Richard Chamberlain! At least she assumed it was Richard Chamberlain, and she never asked him directly, "Are you Richard Chamberlain?" or otherwise interrupted her own leapt-to conclusion.
...And after tonight, you STILL will never have gone out with a celebrity! But we're getting ahead of ourselves.
Of course she went right home and told her entire family that she was dating Richard Chamberlain, and that she was totally sure the guy was actually Richard Chamberlain, and Frankenstein's Monster's Little Sister was very excited indeed.
Oh the night was lovely and they drove around in his convertible and then he got picked up for speeding. Well, sometimes even dream dates have their faults. Well, this is easily solved, all Richard Chamberlain has to do is to show his Richard Chamberlain driver's license to the policeman, proving once and for all he's really Richard Chamberlain, and...
You can fool the ladies, and you can fool the cops, but you can't fool the DMV! Richard Chamberlain here is actually Bill Peters!
"Hey baby, I didn't LIE to you, you just assumed I was Richard Chamberlain and I sat very still and didn't contradict you! And that's a little game I play, I let people think I'm Richard Chamberlain, particularly girls, and then I get a lot of dates! Dates under false pretenses! But I didn't mean any harm!"
You'd think Jane would be happier after a date with a Hollywood celebrity. Maybe the press photographers and the constant phone calls from Chamberlain's agent were a bit too much. That must be it.
I bet you never in your life expected to see a nightmare dream sequence starring the evil floating head of Richard Chamberlain - but that's the magic of comic books! They can do anything!
Tonight on Lifetime: "Stalked By Richard Chamberlain"
Okay, people say comic books are unbelievable, and I believe it, because Jane here is GIVING BILL PETERS ANOTHER CHANCE and that's just CRAZY. ARE YOU CRAZY, GIRL?
So this is the part where we find out Bill Peters is ALSO crazy, because he bucked the million to one odds and got another chance with Jane and what does he do? Instead of never ever mentioning the name "Richard Chamberlain" ever again, he - get this! - he takes her to a FREAKING RICHARD CHAMBERLAIN MOVIE.
And then he stands around signing AUTOGRAPHS and pretending to be Richard Chamberlain again, because it's obvious at this point Bill Peters is a pathological liar.
There are some harsh words and a final breakup and some squealing tires and OH NO LOOK OUT LOOK OUT LOOK OUT (screeeeeech) (ka-smash) and that's how she fell for the leader of the pack. Or Richard Chamberlain, either one.
Since this is the 60s, before airbags and mandatory seat belts, the outcome of a car accident is determined largely by how ironic potential injuries could be, and you can't get more ironic than Mister Lookalike getting his Richard Chamberlain face all re-arranged, now can you?
Days, weeks, months, and still no word from the serial liar and fake Richard Chamberlain that Jane was furious with and never wanted to speak to again, but now is terribly concerned about. I guess Jane is curious to find out what celebrity Bill looks like now! Peter Lorre? Huntz Hall? Rondo Hatton?
In an amazing turn of events, the plastic surgeons were able to turn Bill Peters from a boring looking white dude into... ANOTHER boring looking white dude! A victory for blandness everywhere.
And in a triumph of wishful thinking, Jane pledges her love to the man who no longer looks like Richard Chamberlain and who will undoubtedly never ever lie again ever, because you can smash deceit out of people with car accidents? Well actually if you hit his head hard enough, maybe you could. Anyway, that's our story. Remember kids, if you're dating a celebrity, check their driver's license FIRST!
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