Like everything else, superhero comics have a system. You have to have super powers, you have to have outlandish outfits and fanciful names, and you have to pretend that the rest of the world cares about your own personal brand new made-up super people the way they care about characters they grew up with and wore Halloween costumes of as children. And they don't and never will, but by golly that's not going to stop the legions of super hero fans from putting their own super-iterations into print. That's the system! So, what are we going to call THIS one, fellas?
It's the superhero team that sounds like a hair-care product line and looks like a college wrestling team, ready to system the hell out of that seven, I guess. Look out six and eight, you're next!
Our story begins in what appears to be an airplane cockpit. Not really sure. I'm kind of getting the "didn't have any reference for an airplane cockpit" feeling, that same feeling you get during certain scenes of "Plan Nine From Outer Space", but minus the shower curtain.
Wait, there it is, there's the shower curtain, separating the cockpit from the rest of the airplane, which is surprisingly roomy. Apart from the masked hijackers, I would totally recommend this airline!
I don't want to get all gun-nerd here, but a telescopic sight on a handgun that can't be counted upon to shoot accurately over telescopic sight distances, and that you're going to be shoving up against somebody's head during a hijacking, well, that telescopic sight is totally useless. You could have spent that telescopic sight money on a better mask, maybe
And as the news of the hijacking reaches Washington DC, the President decides it's time to take a bold, controversial stance against terrorism, public opinion be damned! Of course, this is a president who thinks that this hijacking is the first ever plane hijacking in America, and that is so not the case. So I'm thinking his judgement may be questionable. But who cares, if he doesn't activate "Project T.E.S.T." then this comic is never going to get started! May God be with us!
You know, since we quit using oil, all those oil fields in Texas have just been sitting there unused. I can't think of a better place to build a giant secret underground anti-terrorist super-people headquarters than the sandy, unstable, petroleum-byproduct polluted soil of the Lone Star State. This particular facility, the Department Of Science And Higher Technology, or D.O.S.A.H.T. for short, has at least six hundred and ninety-six rooms available for all your science, higher technology, chemical fume huffing needs!
And let's meet our super team, all bitchy young people with nice hair. Except for Soul Patch guy there.
General Maddox here also sports a little soul patch, his old gymnastics tights, and some sharp shoulder implements that seem to be a real hazard for anyone standing next to him in the elevator or on the subway.
Who needs a lecture podium in a conference room? It's a conference room, sit down at the table and confer.
I regret to inform you that my weird, giant forehead will not be joining you on your first mission. And now let's meet our super-crew of super people!
Yup, this is certainly a bunch of people with shiny hair and silly code names. Moving on!
Wait, MORE people with shiny hair and silly code names? Also this is like, ten people, so hey guys, three of you are expendable!
I am beginning to think that the general here with the soul patch, the podium fetish, and the demand for complete obedience, he might not be one hundred percent on the up-and-up. That's what I'm thinking. Now get ready for your trip to Orlando! Don't forget your sunscreen!
Shortly in Orlando, Improbable Hair Girl and Side Of Mouth Talking Guy discuss their anti-terrorism plans. And since these hijackers have yet to make any demands or espouse any particular political or ideological movement, this isn't really "terrorism" yet, but who cares?
Meanwhile, inside that huge airplane, Armored Suit Guy menaces his underling with fantastic electro-robot hands.
Our super system team, having used their super powers to gain access to the cargo hold of what surely must be the world's largest passenger airliner, must somehow blow a door off its hinges. Hey "Blow Out", can you blow this door off its hinges? I mean, it's right there in your name.
And with a mighty blowing, our super team of super system super people bursts into the airplane cabin to pose awkwardly. Take that, international terror!
Again, I want to point out that this is all happening inside a passenger jet. Not a hangar or a warehouse or a school gym. Somebody tell the artist.
When you hire super-people purely because of their shiny, flowing hair, this is what you get- constant personality conflicts. But "Astral" has had enough complaining for one day and is off to punch a few terrorists!
And bam, there you go, terror defeated with a solid left to the jaw. It really is that easy!
Hey guys you know that thing you were doing, keep doing it, thanks
You know, I have to go through these stupid comics panel by panel looking for things to make fun of, and it really seems like most of these comics are five or ten pages too long, filled with useless panels and stories that go nowhere fast and scenes of bad guys telling the reader things the reader already knows. And it's because the artist was all like "cool, I get to draw cool armored bad guy!" and the writer was like "make the bad guy say some bad guy stuff" and there wasn't an editor within fifty yards of this book and nobody was asking "is this really necessary?" Because it's so not. I mean, comic books are already pretty useless, and this is just the useless cherry on top of the useless sundae. I guess what I'm trying to say here is that if you ever find yourself working on a comic book and you find there's a whole string of panels that serve no purpose, well, get rid of them and cut to the chase. Future generations will thank you.
One super-guy uses his super hands to deflect a bullet and another super person uses their super oval powers to knock Armored Guy down. Maybe you could have done this ten pages ago and saved everybody a lot of time.
"Using your Spectra-Girl powers to defeat the bad guys was totally out of line, Spectra-Girl! Now stand still and do nothing while I wonder exactly how Omni here, you know Omni, she's the girl I'm always arguing with, I'm wondering how Omni can stand in front of me yet somehow her arm is behind me! Give me a minute, I'll figure it out!"
gee, he was about to reveal the entire evil plot and then his head exploded. Remember guys if you're ever about to reveal an evil plot, just, you know, REVEAL THE EVIL PLOT rather than waste time with a lot of preliminary talk about how you're totally going to reveal the evil plot. Just do it, is what I'm saying.
Look, it's clear the artist just wants to draw Armored Guy posing and looking cool and there's a lot of shiny gleams and cross-hatching going on. And that's fine. I feel like if you're going to let us know what Armored Guy is thinking, you could somehow work your way around to "why he hijacked the plane", maybe, but perhaps that's asking too much.
Here's how government-trained super operatives handle a hostage situation, which is to run right at the hostage taker until the hostage taker shoots the hostage. Problem solved!
And consumed with vengeance, Psycho uses his psycho powers to make the terrorist go psycho. Again I say, you could have used your psycho nightmare powers ten or fifteen pages ago and saved us all a lot of time.
Turns out people are scared of spiders. Maybe we could have just called Spider-Man in on this job, outsource it and we can all stay home and watch TV. Think about it next time guys.
Hey, a reminder that again, this entire action sequence is taking place on a passenger jet, and not an office lobby or a warehouse or a shipping facility or some other large building. A passenger jet.
Armored Guy can't just use the door and exit the plane like a normal passenger he has to blast a hole in the roof. But one of our super people in turn blasts HIM in the face, which, again, probably could have happened twenty pages ago. But whatever.
To the surprise of no one, Armored Guy turns out to be Blind Obedience Enthusiast General Maddox, who, for reasons best left unstated, developed this entire team of super whiners and contrived to pit them against this elaborate Orlando plane hijacking. Also he has super beams that can shoot through anybody, which again, he could have used twenty pages ago and we'd be done with this comic book and on to the latest issue of Howard The Duck or something.
I know different people react differently to loss and sorrow, but making the "OH REALLY?" eye roll when somebody dies, well, that's just uncalled for.
And so the nine remaining members of System Nine... I mean Seven... they stand around and pose and look angry, ready for their adventure to continue! Look out T.E.A.M and D.O.S.A.H.T., get ready for B.O.R.E.D.O.M.... but at least there's plenty of leg room.
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