It's a sad fact of life. Sometimes for various reasons royalty or celebrities or otherwise forthcoming people get married, and for one reason or another they're forced to hide the fact of their nuptials from the public at large... sometimes from some very specific people who are nosy reporters for major metropolitian newspapers.
Yup, turns out Superman has been married for years but had to keep it a secret! Can YOU guess who his secret wife is, and why she dresses her kids in little Superman outfits? Because that's a little strange. Anything to keep 'em quiet, I guess.
Awakened in the dead of night by a strange compulsion, Lois Lane eats every bit of that chocolate cake that she swore she wasn't going to touch. Not her fault! Strange compulsion!
Who here hasn't been awakened in the night by an eternal sorceress who had to drag us out of bed and into a weird cave to explain to us that Superman has a secret wife? You'd think a letter or a phone call would do the job. That's not Circe's style.
Luckily for Lois, Supergirl was also polishing off some cheesecake or maybe those donuts left over from the weekend. What I'm saying here is that eating late at night is usually not a great idea, but it can also save lives.
Lois is comforted by Supergirl, but while on the Science News beat (send Lois out and hope she gets turned into a teenager or a witch or a monster) Lois spots Superman carving a giant valentine! BUT FOR WHOM?
"TO MY VALENTINE, WHO IS ALSO MY WIFE, FROM HER HUSBAND, THAT MEANS WE'RE MARRIED, SUPERMAN" reads the overly specific giant stone valentine, breaking Lois' heart, which immediately shifts into jealous snoopy mode.
Sure Lois, just sit on Lana Lang's fire escape all night and watch her sleep. That's perfectly normal behavior FOR A CRAZY STALKER
Lois even begins to suspect her own sister! Don't you two share an apartment? Don't you think you'd know if your roommate had been married and had two children with Superman? I would.
Running down the list of potential Superman wives, Lois has to go all the way back to Superman's college girlfriend. Now that's a stretch to begin with, and then you consider that Superman's college girlfriend was a mermaid, who has since returned to the ocean and gotten married to a merman with whom she has children. Now you and me, we're like "no way," but Lois is willing to spend every dime of the Daily Planet's money to find the truth!
Look, underwater people, if you don't want us to call you "Sea-Monkeys," then quit posing like the Sea-Monkeys in that Sea-Monkeys ad because that's all I can think about now!
Lois realizes she's being foolish but then reads the gift tag, which is an amazing surprise that causes Lois to faint! Or maybe it's the bends. She did just return from the bottom of the ocean, after all.
Why it's a note that reconfirms what was written on the giant valentines heart! It's time for a showdown at the Fortress Of Solitude! Get ready for the SHOCK OF YOUR LIFE!
Wait, Superman's secret wife is... his cousin Supergirl? Are they from Krypton, or Kentucky? (no offense Kentucky, it's just that for purposes of this joke it works a lot better than "West Virginia.")
Geez, don't you hate when you visit somebody and they have to show you all their wedding photos - of a wedding you weren't even invited to - and then they try to freeze you for a thousand years? I hate that.
Suddenly and conveniently both Superman and Supergirl come to their senses. Obviously Supergirl's been under the influence of Red Kryptonite, which sometimes has the side effect of making people want to marry their cousins. Hey, I get it. Some of our cousins are pretty hot.
Man, that Red Kryptonite is amazing! Forcing someone into hypnotism, costuming, 3-D filmmaking, faking gift tags and wedding photos, and insulting Lois Lane? What CAN'T Red Kryptonite do?
The children were robots, of course, all part of this spur of the moment Red Kryptonite induced mania that, let's remember, made Superman think he was married to Supergirl for three days, a scenario that honestly smacks of extremely specific fan fiction that I want no part of. And our story closes with Lois heading back to Metropolis to justify her expense account with 500 words about the ocean, her head filled with even more elaborate plans to trap Superman into marriage. Hey, she's just seen it work!
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