We all know that the number one problem facing America today is vampires. Pure and simple, it's all those vampires flying around sucking up everybody's blood. Right? Right. But wouldn't you know it, there are plenty of otherwise rational people who just refuse to admit there's a problem. In fact some of those people say vampires don't even exist! Luckily we have scientific research institutes not only looking into these problems, but ready and able to sit down with these doubters and talk sense into their thick skulls. What's even better, we have comic book stories that detail the whole thing!
So you don't BELIEVE in the supernatural! Not even when those hairy vampires were considerate enough to throw on a pair of swim trunks before committing their acts of bloody horror? That's the kind of specific detail that folklore, hallucinations, or drunken tall tales simply don't include!
Well, mister skeptic, sit right down while I show you this authentic case from our authentic case files, every one authenticated by an official authority, whose name and specific credentials of authority are irrelevant at this time!
The foster parents thought it was cute when their little daughter fell asleep making out with Barbie. Years later her dates with boys were interrupted by, um, uh, the moon. That's why I'm not interested in boys, the moon!
And just as it is with all vampires, the full moon turns those inflicted with the curse into horrifying fanged monsters who must feast on human blood. Now I know what some of you are saying. You're saying "Hey, I thought that was werewolves." Well, turns out it was vampires. Who are you going to believe, centuries of folklore, or the expert authorities who signed off on File 214-A?
Yes! In spite of all your doubts and sneers, Lisa really did turn into a vampire! It totally happened! Cross my heart. Now shut up and listen.
Vampire Lisa has already abandoned the laws of God and man by savagely exsanguinating her date, why not take a further walk on the wild side?
"It is like some awful fever within me," which is as sympathetic as the 1950s were going to get when it comes to subtextual same-sex attraction. Or, as the artist of this comic apparently is only able to portray one single female face, I guess we have to call this "same-person attraction."
And in a secluded spot - the foul deed was done! And this is the 50s so we're just going to sort of let you imagine everything that was going on. Here's a hint. "Oh-hhhhh!"
Shocking- but TRUE! And so tragic moonlight vampire killings plagued the city until intrepid reporter Joe Andrews tracks down the vampire by looking up the family names of vampire families in the Big Book Of Vampire Families In America, I guess. Because when you are an orphan and are sent to America and adopted by foster parents, you keep your original last name, I guess. I guess that's how that works.
Here's a handy tip for police detectives. Having trouble getting that murderer to confess? Why not try treating that murder suspect to a romantic date? Soft music, dancing, candlelight... it might work!
Well, as it turns out, not only is vampirism awakened by the light of the full moon, its root cause is a faulty gland at the base of the brain! This is exciting new territory for vampire lore. And remember, this is all verified by expert authorities, and is totally not nonsense made up on the spot by somebody who started out this story confusing vampires with werewolves.
It sure looks like Vampire Lisa and Reporter Joe are now just as happy and as content as two people could ever be, even though certain skeptical, comfortably sitting listeners STILL dispute the obvious truths of faulty gland moon vampires. But surely nothing bad will ever happen to this couple, nothing involving moons or glands or blood. Surely.
What's the matter sweetheart? Certainly after your brain operation we made sure to confirm that your faulty vampire brain gland was cured forever, right? Didn't you get that confirmed? Honey?
NOOO THE OPERATION ONLY GAVE US TEMPORARY RELIEF NOT UNLIKE THE TEMPORARY RELIEF OFFERED BY OVER THE COUNTER MEDICATIONS LIKE, SAY, WHAT'S THE FUNNIEST OVER THE COUNTER MEDICATION REFERENCE TO USE HERE, LET'S SAY PREPARATION H!!
Also: boxing trunks, Lisa? Really?
Now that is ironic, that the Institute For Research Into Vampirism is itself staffed by vampires. Turns out the entire institute was set up to lure skeptics into their clutches. Serves you right for doubting File 214-A!
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