As a website dealing with comic book type things, there are certain things we simply can't ignore, like piles of beat-up Charltons with ridiculous crazy grandma markup prices, or boxes of educational Popeye comics left to rot in community school storage rooms, or Batman Day, a day celebrating the masked crimefighter best known for a series of Hostess Fruit Pie ads involving a "mummy ray gun." This year, this completely made up "holiday" that I just found out about falls on Sept. 21. And in honor of this marketing tool, we're going to present one of the best Batman stories that happened to fall out of a pile of coverless and partial comics we paid ten bucks for at a flea market.
Trapped in a world he never made! It's Rip Van Batman, identical to Normal Batman, but for his long white beard and his stiffness. How did such a thing come to be?
Notorious criminal Al Hackett has both waterfront AND mountain property? Notorious crime must be a moneymaker these days, thinks Batman as he indulges himself with a moment's relaxation among the blooms of Hackett's exotic plant greenhouse. Exotic plant greenhouses were all the rage amongst the notorious crime lord set that year.
Today in Legends Of The Dark Knight, Batman trips over his own feet and gets really, really high
What's this? Batman sleeping for years like a veritable Rip Van Winkle? Giving us the basis for an exciting Batman story? But let's pause here for a special Public Service Announcement.
I know the assumption is that every sportswriter is a frustrated player, but I never expected to see that assumption so boldly asserted in a public service presented in cooperation with the national social welfare assembly. Of course this begs the question, are all the scorekeepers disabled? Is this one of those jobs reserved for the handicapped, like being a masseuse was reserved for the blind in Edo-period Japan? And are the scorekeepers deadly swordsmen in spite of their disability, like certain of Japan's blind masseurs who have long-running film series based on their exploits? Sorry, got a little off track there. Back to our story.
Everything's advanced, including that new artificial space station which presumably is in space, yet is clearly visible in daylight, which can only mean one thing, it's been deliberately shoved out of Earth orbit by a rebellious space colony. That's the danger with "artificial" space stations, as opposed to the clearly superior NATURAL space stations.
Sure, it's the future (see the rocket ship?), but crooks are still crooks and Batman is still Batman, still defeating crime with a left to the jaw, sending their funny future hats flying.
I think Batman looks pretty happy here with his beard. Maybe he ought to think about keeping that look. It would come in handy at Christmas time!
Oof, looks like the future has *not* been kind to real estate values. But let's pause again for another important message.
It's Learning Through Baseball again as a gang of racist teens learn that holy cow can Puerto Ricans play baseball! Get a few on your team, maybe you can date their sisters and inspire "West Side Story." Oh nothing, just TEN Oscars, that's all. Think about it, racist teens
And now back to Bat Beardman!
Sometimes we start to wonder exactly what Batman's detective skills are, if he's surprised a bunch of cops don't recognize a bearded old man in a Batman outfit as anybody but a bearded old man in a Batman outfit.
The life of a homeless drifter seems inevitable for our caped crusader until, as always happens in these comics, criminality appears in a highly unlikely form. I guess in the future nobody steals cars or robs banks, it's all moon-jewel heists.
Not since the off-target Skylab de-orbit or the 14-minute Mir fire has a space station led to such tragedy and disappointment!
Batman's got to smash an expensive precision optical instrument to cut some ropes? He can't just carry a knife like normal people? Before you answer that question, let's pause for one more PSA.
Listen to Binky kids, stay in school or you'll wind up delivering groceries! Yes if you study hard, get into a good college, and graduate with several degrees, today's wacky job market and the skyrocketing cost of student loans will almost guarantee you'll be working a second job just to make ends meet - an IRONIC second job delivering food for Uber Eats or Foodora! So stay in school.
"Up This Moon" was the original title of this story, but editors felt it a bit "cheeky."
Sorry about that, momentarily found myself possessed by the spirit of a mid-70s British comedy writer.
Uh oh, looks like Grandpa Batman has over-bat-exerted himself. Better have a bat-lie down there, Batpa!
WHAAAAA? Yes, that's the sound of the crying baby over there, the one person in the world that didn't see the twist ending of this story coming a mile off, that this was, say it with me, all a dream.
Why yes Robin, I must have been high as a kite. Now come on, I want to use my muscles. Maybe I'm still stoned out of my gourd? We'll find out! And that's the end of this Batman Day Observance Stupid Comic. But before we say good night, one more Public Service Announcement...
Hey kids, don't shave your dog! How stupid do you have to be to shave your dog, or to think that it's easier than just giving the pooch a brushing now and then? Just imagine the spanking Jimmy got in between Panels Five and Six down there, and you can see why Rags might want to give him some sympathy, instead of savagely mauling him.
Remember. Think once, think twice, think DON'T SHAVE YOUR DOG.
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