You know where you are? You're in the JUNGLE, BABY! That's where white people to go have some of their most amazing comic book adventures! Also, that's where they go to loot the African continent for uranium, gold, diamonds, and slaves. But it's comic book adventure we're looking for and it's comic book adventure we're gonna get, courtesy the most beat-up, coverless, yellowed, faded, ripped and torn copy of "Jungle Action #2" we ever tried to scan!
It's Lo-Zar, Lord Of The Jungle, just going to town on that inflatable pool alligator. Take that, you vinyl monster! But will Lo-Zar's strength, his love for freedom, and his hatred for the Communist menace help him battle the Red Poison spilling out of the reeking sewers of Madison Avenue and Hollywood, ruining the minds of our most impressionable youngsters?
Wait a minute, they aren't using a metaphor? This story is about actual literal poison, colored red, that Communists are dumping into rivers? How am I supposed to wring subtext out of that?
Whenever any terror or horror strikes the jungle, well, it's time to call Lo-Zar, he'll fix it. Lo-Zar got nothing better to do. And in seconds the answer comes in the form of the exact personage for whom of the call had been sent out in request of! Him there!
Lo-Zar is all like, so what am I now, a jungle veternarian? Am I a water management public health officer? Do I look like I work for the county extension office? Anyway, tell you what, I've got two, three bags of Kingsford, we'll fire up the grill tonight, what do you say. Shame to let this beef go to waste.
"It's a nice place to visit... but DON'T DRINK THE WATER!" This hoary tourist joke turns into brutal reality as Lo-Zar witnesses a "hawk" take one drink and drop dead. That looks more like a seagull to me, and lemme tell ya, those things can imbibe pretty much ANYTHING and not die. So whatever's in that water must be pretty poisonous!
Who's behind this red poison? The Red Poisoner himself! You can tell he's evil because of his evil beard, his evil mustache, his RED shirt, and those spectacles, the sure sign of Bolshevik intellectual know-it-alls! But will Lo-Zar discover the truth in time?
Wow, looks like Mr. Egres is single-handedly keeping the bottled water business in business! Maybe his trip was sponsored by Nestle.
Yes Lo-Zar, it's too bad the animals aren't cautious enough to purchase... and drink... bottled... water? Because animals can do that? And now if you'll excuse me, Lo-Zar, I'm going over here now.
And now it's payback time for the crocs! Revenge for years of being the heavy in jungle movies, for being made into purses and shoes, for that whole misleading "crocodile tears" thing, and for the most heinous crime of all, being confused for alligators! Crocodiles HATE that! And we aren't even going to get into how they feel about those ugly foam rubber sandals.
Look Stan Lee, or whoever it is writing these captions, when Joe Maneely is clearly drawing a knife in Lo-Zar's fist, don't describe him as fighting with "bare hands." It embarrasses all of us.
PRO TIP FOR COMMUNIST SABOTEURS - leave your newspaper clipping collection at HOME. You never know when a stray clipping might blow your cover while you're poisoning an entire African river system! "Home," of course, being GRU headquarters, nicknamed "The Aquarium', at Khodinka Airfield in Moscow. Until 2006 anyway.
Crocs ganging up on him, some Russian spy littering the river, his careful hair-do ruined - this is NOT Lo-Zar's day.
Couldn't we have gotten started on lighting those fires BEFORE trying to fight giant African river crocodiles by hand? No?
Again, future Red spies - keep your press clippings at home, don't bring them along on your clandestine infrastructure weakening/proletariat contradiction heightening missions, because you know they'll fly out of your pocket and Lo-Zar will grab it and then embers from the fire will coincidentally smudge the bad 1950s newspaper photo so that it looks like the beard you grew as a disguise instead of shaving off that stupid Kaiser mustache. How did you not get purged with that mustache?
Also - maybe the old 'reverse your name for your cover identity' trick might be a little played out. No?
Let's see if a jungle man can outwit a Kremlin Commie! Step one, shout loudly that you've discovered the Kremlin Commie and are coming after him! Always a good first step.
BAM! Two callused jungle lord heels smack dab in your treacherous Lenin-beard Commie face, you river-poisoning collectivist!
And thus the fate of all who would poison rivers, being devoured alive by gigantic crocodiles. A bunch of petrochemical corporation executives are getting thrown in next, I hope?
Once again the jungle knows peace, thanks to Lo-Zar and a conveniently labeled jerry-can of "antidote." Be ever alert, Lo-Zar, for the greatest menace the jungle has ever seen is coming in the next fascinating issue of "King Leopold Of Belgiu---" er, I mean, "Jungle Action!"
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