Scary sounds at night frightening the children? Sure, you could get a dog, but those eat a lot and you have to clean up their poop. If only there was some kind of, I don't know, stuffed animal toy dog that would protect your child from spooks and monsters! Oh sure, you could get a night light, but where's the fun in that?

Who will help? THE POOCH PATROL, that's who.

These lovable, huggable companions were trained in the calm, tranquil land of "Barks-a-Lot" to become stalwart companions for your child. Ghoulies, shadows, thunderclaps, and noises don't scare the Pooch Patrol! In fact nothing whatsoever scares the Pooch Patrol because they are inanimate lumps of fabric and plastic. But let's go on with our story!

When I was a kid, what scared me the most were (1) getting booster shots from the pediatrician, (2) being drafted and sent to Vietnam, and (3) that space caveman GI Joe fought - NONE of which are addressed in this lecture. Already I am beginning to doubt the ability of the Pooch Patrol to fully reassure the five year old me.

Stuffed animals that can do gymnastics and karate-chop boards in half? I smell a class action false advertising lawsuit. You'd better show us some Pooch Patrol action fast, Pooch Patrol comic!

Here in one of the Pooch Patrol's most daring assignments, Rascal solves "The Mystery Of The Missing Crayons." Strangely enough, real dogs will also cause crayons to vanish. Also unguarded shoes, balls, newspapers, sandwiches, and entire honey-glazed hams.

Was it all a dream? No, I'm pretty sure most dogs annoy everyone around them barking at mysterious blobs that turn out to be nothing at all. At least that's what the dogs next door to ME spend a lot of time doing.

Jamie wanted to finish building his snow fort, made of snow, before it snowed. Yeah, I'll just let you think about that one for a while.

Boy, if only those kids in the Blair Witch Project or Paranormal Activity had thought to bring along Rover! Disembodied spirits of the dead can't STAND dogs.

Growling at books, furniture, or nothing at all. Just ONE of the many benefits of dog ownership!

Don't worry Cory, just sit here all night long until the sun comes up and you'll see the colorful rainbow logo of Grand Toys Jovets Grand! Yes, in Canada even the rainbows are bilingual. Except in Quebec, where it's French. Just French.

POOCH PATROL. Because once your child sees these grotesque toys he'll forget all about the monsters under the bed! Available in fine toy stores everywhere.