So let's say it's 1960 and you have to throw some kind of a party, and you've suffered some kind of traumatic brain injury or have been raised in a barn by religious cultists or otherwise are completely unfamiliar with the customs of modern society. Who's gonna help you throw that party? Dairy Queen, that's who!

Yes, the Dairy Queen, that benevolent monarch whose extruded frozen goodness brings happiness and joy to all. Can hours of party fun be contained within this comic-book sized promotional booklet? Let's find out!

Our helpful party guide starts with birthday parties. Any kid I know would be happy simply being driven to the nearest Dairy Queen and left to his own devices, but this guide goes above and beyond the call of duty by providing the "Swat The Mosquito" game, in which children run around the room hitting each other while making annoying noises. Because they wouldn't do that anyway!

Remember, the vital ingredient to any successful party will be Dairy Queen cones. This pretty much ensures you've gotta hold your party in the parking lot of the local Dairy Queen because try getting ten or fifteen Dairy Queen cones home before they melt. Consult your local Dairy Queen franchisee for information on parking lot rentals.

Valentine's Day parties are even more fun when kids stuff their valentines in your cereal box. Make sure to eat all the cereal first. Then love and romance will be determined by throwing homemade darts at a dart board in a very precise sequence. Don't get 'em out of order!

How will you know it's true love? If you guessed her name while shaking her hand blindfolded and then SHE guessed YOUR name while shaking YOUR hand blindfolded. And that's where babies come from, kids!

'Tis a St. Paddy's Day party, begorrah! Blow some bubbles, kiss the blarney stone, make an "Irish castle" out of cardboard boxes to hold your stash of potato chips (?) and then see who wins the "peelin' spuds" contest! And guess what's for dinner? Hint - it involves potatoes. And strangely enough, Dairy Queen products.

Celebrate Independence Day with the saddest attempt ever to jazz up the clothespin-in-the-milk-bottle game. Then instruct the children to paint the American flag. Don't ask - tell! Because freedom!

Have some Halloween Hi-Jinks with an invisible ghost message! Sure, you can use lemon juice for your invisible ink, that's one way to do it, I guess, if you're some kind of millionaire with constant access to expensive citrus fruits. OTHER invisible inks are free. Disgusting, but free.

Here's a fun party game that involves uncoordinated children running at each other trying to jam sharp toothpicks into each other's open mouths. This can be followed up by another fun party game called 'trip to the emergency room'.

Spaghetti, chocolate milk, cookies with orange frosting, and lots of Dairy Queen! Yes, that's what Mom will be cleaning off the floor after two or three over-excited kids puke some of that up.

Speaking of puking, let's feed everyone a giant Thanksgiving meal and then play a game with lots of running around and sudden changes in direction. I'm getting queasy just thinking about it!

Arr mateys! You'll be needin' an eyepatch like mine once you get shot in the eye with a rubber band from the invitation novelty pistol I be handin' out!

And for the girls it's a party filled with sewing, dressing up, cooking, and pillow fights! The pillow fights are even more fun if the girls are blindfolded. I think I saw a movie like that once late at night on Cinemax.

Hey Teeners! Reinforce that latent foot fetish with a party game that invites you to handle the feet of all the girls around! Look at red-sweater teen there, he's in heaven.

And then it's time for a game that blurs the lines between adolescence and adulthood and subverts traditional gender roles! WARNING TO PARENTS AND CHAPERONES: when the guys start talking about shaving the girls, this game is OVER. Take a Dairy Queen break and cool things down.

But hey! Grownups are people too and want to have fun at parties by passing the matches, playing charades, and testing their bifocals! Just look at Dad here! He's having fun!

Maybe too much fun!

This enjoyable game is also called "Ankle Breakers". I wonder why?

I dunno about you guys, but I'm ready for a western-style rumpus room round up in which we'll have a hobby show where everybody will bore everybody else by showing off their stupid hobbies that we're already sick of hearing about. Then we'll play a game that involves four-letter words. Yeah, I bet we will.

Remember, every day is a happy holiday at Dairy Queen where that country-fresh flavor may or may not involve actual milk products! Enjoy some today.