Last week we had an electric 1969 freakout and now... now it's time to cut your hair, put on a nice sweater, lace up those white bucks, and get ready to calm down 1959 style with none other than Pat Boone!

It's singing sensation, TV star, movie actor, author of "Twixt Twelve And Twenty", General Motors and milk pitchman, and conservative icon Pat Boone, capitalizing on Elvis' army-related absence to wrest control of the hearts of America's teeners. No draft for Pat, though, having four kids and a college deferment will help with that. Anyway, let's thrill to the amazing adventures of Pat Boone!

Yes, this week Pat Boone, in his disguise as "Campus Queen", penetrates the... wait a minute. This isn't about Pat Boone at all, this is about American college students working themselves into a frenzy of riot over the most crucial issues facing young people today - the election of the "Campus Queen". Use our bean, or howl with glee? These are the issues we must confront!!

Judging by the way-too-overjoyed looks on the faces of these inanely grinning undergrads, I'd say LSD has taken root on American campuses a lot earlier than was previously suspected.

Does Peggy scheme to use dirty tricks to guarantee her victory over her political rival? Is her crew-cut boyfriend and future Watergate conspirator H.R. Haldeman taking notes for future reference? And does being president of the Pat Boone Fan Club REALLY make you popular with all the girls?

Let me tell you, if it was rumored that my candidate for Campus Queen promised Pat Boone, and then Pat Boone failed to live up to some crazy rumor spread at some university he's probably never heard of, well, I'd probably think the person who spread that rumor was a big liar. But then again I'm not doing a conga line while grinning like a blissed-out madman, so I'm probably two steps ahead of these students.

News of imminent Pat Boone has ratcheted excitement levels at this college - already at dangerously high levels - to the point of madness! Skipping, arm flailing, scarf fluttering madness!

"There must be some mistake! I only spoke to Pat Boone once in my life, and that was when he told me to get off his property or he'd call the police! Oh, and the charity thing. So, twice."

While I'm goofing on this comic I wanna point out the great Bob Oskner artwork here, super classy in a very 1959 way, go Bob.

It's time for Judy and Susan to open a six-pack of whup-ass on that rumor-mongering Peggy! I hope they brought their sorority paddles! And a camera!

See that? Peggy all but admitted it! Punch her right in the mouth, Susan! We'll decide who gets to be Queen by the ancient rite of trial by combat!

And I know what you're all saying. You're saying "where the gosh-darned heck is that dang Pat Boone? By golly!"

Meanwhile, enjoying his afternoon reading the paper and listening to Slow News Day Radio News 1040 On Your AM Dial, it's Pat Boone, shocked to learn that a dumb-ass sorority girl election at some college somewhere is news enough to make it on the radio. Isn't there a revolution in Cuba and a Russian satellite circling overhead? Isn't China invading Tibet? No time for that! PAT BOONE!

Taking matters into his own hands, Pat Boone himself appears to get to the bottom of this whole Pat Boone Appearance thing. Kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy if you ask me.

"Kidnapped By Co-Eds" - the new film starring Pat Boone! Coming soon to a theater near you!

Locked in the janitor's closet Pat Boone is unable to affect the outcome of the election. "Never again" says Pat, and he'll keep this experience in mind when campaigning in the future for a wide variety of Republicans.

And so after the results of the election were verified by the United Nations, Pat Boone himself crowns Susan as Queen of Bowtie Crewcut College in a ceremony that was pretty square, even for 1959, and would just get even squarer as time went on.

So is that it? Is that all the Pat Boone comic book action we're going to get out of this Pat Boone comic? No sirree Bob, as Pat might say.

Hey, it's Pat and Shirley and most of the Boone family! When you're a singing star and they sign you to that publicity contract, you're not only putting yourself in the spotlight, but your wife and daughters too! Consent? Come on. It's the 1950s! Don't you worry your pretty head about it.

A chilling lapse of judgement on Pat Boone's part is instantly noticed by future top-10 vocalist Debbie Boone. Low-class gutter slang doesn't light up HER life!

Nothing Cherry says will match this priceless expression on her face, which straddles the line between "obviously I'm too mature for these childish affairs" and "they said there were going to be pony rides but THEY LIED"

But as usual we find out that the real problem is boys grabbing all the ice cream.

Using improper contractions around his children? Letting them steal cake and candy from birthday parties? How is Pat Boone raising these kids, anyway?

Whew! Those were some thrilling adventures with Pat Boone, weren't they? Before we go, let's check in with some Pat Boone fans and some more Pat Boone-themed cartoons.

I bet all those Pat Boone Fan Club Presidents are the most popular girls in their schools. Especially Lanny Bell down there.

Say, what's that important notice?

DON'T BE FOOLED BY IMITATION PAT BOONE FAN CLUBS! Those false, so-called "fan clubs" only want your money. The REAL Pat Boone Fan Club is absolutely free and always will be! Never betray the One True Pat Boone Fan Club! Or say "ain't"!