Once again we dive deep into our decrepit, decaying dungeon of old magazines to dig out ads for the amusement of our oh-so-sophisticated 21st century eyeballs. After all, comics are just words and pictures mixed together to tell a story. Sometimes the story is about a super guy in a cape defeating evil, sometimes it's about a super product defeating... well, many things.
The trouble is that when Julie Andrews marries... let's see, it looks like one of the Campbell Kids grown up, when she gets married that means no more file clerk for you! The laws of propriety that guide our civilization demand wives stay safely at home, surrounded by dirty dishes, laundry, and screaming kids, wishing she was back in that file clerk job. Well, if you utilize BUSHNELL Vertex Expanding File Pocket Files, your new, unmarried-for-now file clerk can easily get take up where your old married file clerk left off! These amazing files, made of "Paperoid", will outlast twenty ordinary flat folders, or until the aliens from planet Paperoid arrive to take revenge, whichever comes first.
But it isn't all fun and games for the new husband, either.
That's right men, as the man of the house you have to guard your cash from everyone, and that includes snoopy wives, always looking for a few extra dollars for frivolities like "housewares" or "food." Save your hard earned money with an E-K brand Secret Pocket Billfold! (not affiliated with the "Eckanar" religion)
Alternately, this may be illustrating how the Secret Pockets can keep your valuables safe from sex workers who might rifle through your belongings while you sleep off the cheap gin after a wild night at the ole cathouse. Finally, a product tailored just for the fellow who enjoys the occasional, or frequent, company of prostitutes!
But assuming it's the first scenario... before you can have a jolly good laugh hiding your poker winnings from the wife, you have to get that wife first! Can ads help?
Let's face it fellas, here in the modern world UNDERWEAR is the thing to do. Why not protect your nether regions from chills and drafts with Jockey brand long underwear? Your fiance and her snoopy kid brother will be forced to take you seriously once you can propose marriage without sneezing, and the patented Y-Front construction gives "restful, squirm-free support." If you DO find things squirming around down there, consult your doctor.
But hey, you've got to get to that proposal, and that means courting, and lots of it. How can the wonderful world of personal products shorten this journey?
Here's a handy tip, if your body odor is so awful that people are contemplating legal action, you might want to try "Mum," which was not only the first brand of commercial deodorant, but is still available! And in today's overly litigious society, you can't be too careful! Why risk 30 days solitary confinement on account of your terrible 'aura'?
But things weren't all chilly and smelly back in the old days. There were plenty of simple pleasures to be had.
Like smoking, for instance. Boy, I bet those Indians were happy when we took their tobacco and gave it right back to them! "Gosh," they said, "this new cultivated tobacco is wonderful! Say, why not just take over North and South America? We weren't using it much!" And thus cool-burning tobacco made American civilization possible. Enjoy Prince Albert, the National Joy Smoke. (National Joy Smoke may be different in certain states. Consult your local dispensary.)
And what will you be smoking your Prince Albert with? Why, a pipe, of course.
What I wanna know is, what kind of war needs *so many* briar pipes that they have 100,000 left over?
But let's move on and spend a few moments discussing the greatest invention of the middle part of the 20th century. No, not the atom bomb, not Barbasol, not cable TV.
That's right, snap fasteners. No more buttons! Think of it! Your pajamas will never trouble you again!
Your long underwear - now with snap fasteners - will give you comfort and ease of use heretofore unheard of!
You'll never need to hire Monkey Seamstress to sew buttons on your boxer shorts ever again, thanks to snap fasteners. Clearly this is the wonder invention of the age.
And now that your cash is safe and your pipe is full and your undergarments are securely fastened, let's sit back and enjoy one of the many great works of fiction available to the discerning consumer.
Now that the "little brown giants" of the East are forcing themselves so persistently upon the vision of mankind - that is to say, they beat Russia in a war - we can now start using Japan as the villain in our pulp novels. Just in time, too; the Chinese villain stereotypes we'd been leaning on were getting pretty tired.
And now we interrupt our commercial advertisements for a cartoon.
See, it's funny, because attempted sexual assault! Hey, what do you say, 21st century? Always funny, right? Right?
Well, here's one last word from famous cartoonist Bud Fisher.
Be like Bud Fisher, kids - become one of the first American superstar cartoonists and parlay that fame into lucrative endorsement contracts!
Also, don't take chances with your tires.
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