0. Stupid Comics

Are you bored? Stuck in a rut? Tired of life? Well, maybe what you need is a new hobby. One that will fill your empty hours with excitement and fun, attracting others to your newly magnetic personality and opening up entire new vistas of fellowship and entertainment. No, we're not talking about collecting comic books!

Who is this guy? How can he be having such an obviously great time? And how can YOU get in on the fabulous, fantastic fun he seems to be having with nothing but two fingers and a Baldwin organ? Let's find out!

Well, it looks like societal alienation is about to claim another victim. Will the aggression be directed inwards or outwards? Will Mark one day show him - show ALL OF THEM? And will he warn at least a few of us so we can call in sick that day? Because holy cow Mark, you are about to SNAP

Move to the big city, they said. You'll meet exciting new people and have the time of your life, they said. No, don't worry about a personality, you can pick one of those up anywhere, they said.

If only somebody would invent the internet so Mark can fill his long lonely weekends with fun-packed arguments and repetitive online gaming! But instead he's forced to listen to the THUD THUD THUD of the bass as the party next door goes into its sixth hour.

Meanwhile, the top science-musicologists at the Baldwin Research Institute have completed their greatest achievement - THE FUNMACHINE BY BALDWIN - the ultimate musical instrument! Throw away those trumpets, boys, Baldwin's in town!

In another part of the city, Mark wanders through the rain, trying to build up the courage to end it all, when suddenly he wanders into a licensed Baldwin Piano and Organ dealership and trips on a poorly secured rug, striking the keyboard with the first finger of his left hand. Here's where this comic could either stick with being a keyboard promotion, or move right on into selling us on the exciting world of owning your own personal injury law practice. Which will it be?

Before our very eyes, the action of one finger on a keyboard activating a pre-programmed Dixieland Jazz soundtrack transforms Mark into FUNMAN, able to use his amazing powers to steal Baldwin FunMachines with his bare hands!

Time for Mark to give his FunMachine the ultimate test! If this ragtime, combined with the rinky-tink piano, doesn't result in the evacuation of everyone within a three mile radius, then we've failed!

Mark has barely placed his index fingers onto the comfortable FunMachine keys, when an entire crowd of merrymakers and funseekers bursts into the room ready to get their fun on! Just think, lonely guys with two fingers and a couple thousand dollars, this could be you!

Mark's romantic rival is going down in flames! You see, the ladies always go for the guys with the big... hat collection. Mark has a lot of different hats.

Sure, we *could* have made a reference to ladies going for the guys with the big organs. But that would be tacky.

Mark and his hats and the FunMachine are entertaining the livin' crap out of that crowd! They've lost track of how many songs he's played! They can't believe he's able to provide so much pleasure with just one finger! He truly is the hero, able to entertain everyone everywhere for all time!

well, maybe not *everyone*...

That's right, slink off on out of here, you light-dimming bastard. Go comb your mustache somewhere else.

What's that, FunMachine? I should go forth into the world and spread your Good News to the sad multitudes? And do I have a hat for that?

Weeks later Mark has talked his wealthy Aunt Susan into buying a FunMachine for her very own. He gets to feel like he's bringing joy to lonely folks, and he gets a cool 15% kickback on every sale! That's what puts the "fun" in "FunMachine!"

I guess Mark is using his FunMan powers to manhandle FunMachines into the homes of pretty much everyone he knows. Hey, the thing's already in your apartment, there's an easy payment plan, just sign here if you know what's good for you.

There goes FunMan! What a swell guy! Say FunMan, I'm behind on my payments to the Baldwin Piano & Organ Company, maybe you can help me with that? No?

WATCH FOR THE NEXT ISSUE AS FUNMAN CONTINUES TO COMBINE THE RAGTIME WITH THE RINKY-TINK PIANO AS THE WORLD RECOILS IN HORROR. You too can be a FunMan! Pick up your FunMachine today! And then put it right back down again, those things are heavy.

But do you need the FunMachine to have all the fun being a FunMan can bring? No sir. Just buy your FunMan shirt or your FunMan sweat shirt and you're in business, bringing joy to millions whether they want it or not!

And get this - they aren't gonna check to see if you even HAVE a FunMachine! Truly, the path of the FunMan is open to all. Now get to ticklin' those ivories and entertaining those parties, FunMen!

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