It's time for superheroes. It's time for British superheroes. It's time for British superheroes named after Asian reptiles. It's time for British superheroes named after Asian reptiles who are on vacation in America to battle the forces of evil and nature together in one thrilling story that will undoubtedly have you exclaiming "this is kinda stupid," because it's also time for Stupid Comics.
Yes, King Cobra, able to change the course of mighty slithers and to bend his very flexible spine with his bare... flexible spine, I guess, here he's battling the cobra's natural enemy, mid-century American station wagons full of tourists. The bears are just the warm-up.
Freelance crime reporter Bill King's on vacation in America, suffering through Amtrak's so-called "rail service", when he learns of danger and intrigue afoot at Smokey Water Park! You'd assume this would be some sort of state or national park, the kind Obvious Evil Businessman canNOT just offer to buy with cash, because one can't just purchase thousands of acres of parkland set aside for posterity by an act of Congress. No. Maybe Curten should have stayed in Congress, that might have made his task here a little easier. I'd say we should get ready for some scenes of Curten frightening tourists in a ghost costume, but this isn't Scooby-Doo.
This is exactly the attitude I want from America's park rangers. Don't worry about the bears, they aren't dangerous at all, feed 'em and tease 'em to your heart's content, it's hilarous, I'm a real park ranger I swear.
So a guard rail broke and ten people fell into the boiling hot springs and died painfully? How has this so-called "park" not been sued out of existence? Is King Cobra really here just to enforce basic safety guidelines?
The geyser used to be called the "Sixty Minute Man," but he hasn't been lasting as long recently, he's been on some new medication, these things happen to us all eventually.
(That's a boner joke, kids)
Whats happening? Is this another "accident" that we can easily pin on a clearly unsafe park (broken guard rails, go play with the bears) or the actions of dumb-ass tourists, trying to force their huge American station wagon down a tiny rutted dirt road somewhere deep in the mountains? Or both?
Look, genius, the bears aren't attacking the car. They're attacking the tasty, tasty people who happen to be in the car. People who are about to learn exactly where they stand on the food chain. The answer may surprise them!
But with a few tugs of string King Cobra is ready for action, to beat the holy hell out of some endangered species who only want to steal pic-a-nic baskets and maybe some honey and then grab a banjo and start belting out some country tunes.
A bear should know better than to tangle with a cobra, except where in the world do cobras and bears exist in the same habitat? Nowhere! How would they learn to not tangle with cobras? Cut those bears some slack, King!
Like all cobras, King Cobra only needs to extend his special membranes and he's able to soar into the sky. Flying cobras. Because REGULAR cobras weren't threatening enough.
Depending on the state, US citizens have the right to use deadly force if they feel their lives are in danger, or if they feel threatened or merely confused about the sartorial choices made by flying men.
This right here is why you always wear your helmet when membrane-skydiving in your King Cobra outfit, and also, whenever drinking King Cobra Malt Liquor. Don't let the smooth taste fool you!
GET TO THE CHOPPA says Dollar Store Arnold Schwarzenegger in this, the craziest "Predator" ripoff ever made!
So these two clowns had actual guns they could use to shoot at King Cobra, but for some reason they feel being in a shuddering helicopter forty feet off the ground will improve their aim? Maybe they just like a challenge.
Okay. This is "Smokey Water Park" which suggests the Smoky Mountains National Park in Tennessee and North Carolina. The "Nine Minute Man" geyser brings to mind Yellowstone and its Old Faithful. And as we all know, totem poles are only found in the Pacific Northwest. So obviously the United States is seventy-five, maybe a hundred miles across, right?
We've got frightened tourists, drug-crazed grizzly bears, and there's a helicopter gunfight blasting chunks out of Smokey Waters' famous Totem Pole, ruining one of America's most questionably authentic national park icons. Could things get any worse for the National Parks Service?
Why sure they could, as King Cobra manuevers the helicopter directly into the path of the Nine Minute Man, the steaming geyser completely destroying this huge flying machine, which then falls right into the pristine waters of the hot spring, polluting its fragile ecosystem forever with aviation fuel, lubricants, and twisted chunks of steel and aluminum. Thanks, King Cobra!
Mere seconds in the 200-plus Fahrenheit degree heat of a geyser's hot spring can result in life-threatening third degree burns over your entire body. So if you're ever at Yellowstone National Park - or "Smokey Water" - heed the warning signs and stay safe!
And as herds of tick-infested mule deer stampede their way towards free handouts in the picnic grounds, King Cobra suppresses his rage at being misidentified as "Cobra Man" and tries to console himself with the thanks of a grateful park filled with grateful picnickers and grateful trail riders and grateful police marching our painfully burned criminals away to justice. Remember to let the visitors and animals enjoy themselves! Feed the deer, feed the bears, whatever. Cobra Man's outta here!
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