Purple! Long the symbol of royalty, codename of the Japanese cipher broken by the US at the start of WWII, and the color of the bruises you get when you stop strangers on the street and tell them all about the history of purple, the dye of which originated in the ancient Phoenician city-state of Tyre, where it was made from rare sea snails (sound of punching, grunts of pain). Is purple also the color of mysterious fighters against horror and darkness using amazing, vaguely defined powers? It can be!

It's either the greatest struggle of good vs evil ever, or an amazing dance party lit by the power of the Purple Claw, at which shirtless, hirsute men disco the night away. Or both.

Out of the... we could go with a more elaborate adjective, but we're just going with "thickly overgrown" here - out of the desperately in need of lawn care jungles of Africa comes the mysterious weird legend of THE PURPLE CLAW! First item on the weird mystery checklist is why this "claw" looks more like a "scoop" but I guess THE PURPLE SCOOP doesn't sound as weird or mysterious.

The Story of the Purple Scoop begins some ten years ago, in 2009. I mean 1943, when I... I mean, not me, but Captain Jonathan Weir was rescued by a tribal leader with a kind heart and some purple gauntlets which can both heal wounds and pry people out of wreckage like a more fashionable Jaws Of Life.

It's a good thing Capt. Weir wasn't sleeping when they screened "Private Snafu Vs Malaria Mike" in the mess hall, because he's up to date on the most modern methods of eliminating malaria. Drain that standing water and take your Atabrine, soldier.

(yes, we *know* "Private Snafu Vs Malaria Mike" didn't come out until 1944, but am I gonna miss a chance to reference Private Snafu? I am not.)

And now you too have learned the mysterious power of the Purple Claw! Well actually you haven't. In fact, I'm pretty sure the writers have no clue exactly what those power are and are just sort of making this up as they go. All we know that it is a strange power that can impart magic strength and can also terrify. We also know that at one point there were two Purple Claws, but Capt. Weir - HE WAS TELLING THE STORY ALL ALONG! - Weir only gets ONE Purple Claw, so I guess the old man's keeping one and I don't blame him, you never can tell when a Purple Scoop is gonna come in handy there in the thickly overgrown jungle.

Blueprint for world conquest... dread plot like no other diabolic plan... vast hordes of what were once living men... screeching zombies... bubbling retorts... balding old pharmacist... upset stomach... long winded anecdote about the weather... just sell me the Alka-Seltzer, you monster...

It LOOKS like Tom Bradley, former mayor of Los Angeles, but... he's been dead and buried for months! How can he be walking and talking, and banking?

Apparently the dead walk among us and wish only for a relaxing evening in their easy chair. This looks like a case for Capt. Dr. Jonathan Weir!

Yup, it's a good idea to take your recently back-from-the-grave brother for a medical check up. Maybe don't wait five or six days before doing so.

Sure Tom, I took some of your blood without your knowledge or permission, but hey man, informed consent is only for the living, which is what you aren't.

"Dr. Gool." Gee, I wonder if his no doubt evil machinations involve bodies he's removed from their final resting places?

Maybe if Dr. Gool is going to be so protective of his patients and their blood, he might want to think about maybe not letting his corpses wander all over town trying to cash checks. I'm just saying. But can he perhaps tell him the nature of Bradley strange illness?

Oh snap he can't tell her about the Purple Scoop so he's forced to look like a big wuss coward who isn't man enough to get the truth out of Dr. Gool! And without that Purple Claw, she might be right.

What kind of a physician is a doctor who only has dead people for patients? One who's tired of people complaining about that cold stethoscope, that's who!

Dr. Gool is a charter subscriber to the Blood Reports, America's number one newsletter keeping readers informed on all the blood news that's so vital for today's modern lifestyle. Now have him brought to me, he will be please to see my science at work!

things that cannot stop The Purple Claw: a list
1. the evil living
2. any in the dead beyond
3. the living dead

I've always wondered what doctors talked about when they got together. Zombie armies and Purple Claws, I guess

Dr. Gool is going to change your attitude about death, he's not about that boring old lying around rotting death, he's promising an ACTIVE death. Who wouldn't like to be more active?

Blood knows where his Rosemary, or any other of his radioactive fluid-filled corpses go, and nobody knows but him, thanks to his fission fluidometer! It's like that GPS tracking app your mom put on your phone so she knows you didn't really go to the library to study. Yeah, she did that.

Even the teeny tiny bit of blood on the wad of cotton sitting on Dr. Weir's desk was enough to spill the beans on him and that whole Purple Claw nonsense. Now it's time for Dr. Gool to activate his kingdom of flesh containers and send his finely adorned army of darkness to conquer the world. One thing we still don't know, however... why was dead old Tom Bradley raised from the grave to try to cash a check?

WHAM! One punch from the Purple Claw - not to be confused with one punchbowl filled with Purple Drank - and zombies go flying, radioactive death fluids spill out into our sewers and waterways, and Dr. Gool joins the ranks of the actually dead dead. Just one punch! That Purple Drank packs a wallop.

Remember, kids. Be smart. Don't fill yourself with radioactive fluid.

Luckily Miss Bradley had been unconscious this whole time and had missed all the horror and terror, which is why Dr. Weir immediately told her all about the horror and terror. Still others he'll be relating to us, in the days to come of horror and evil! I for one cannot wait.

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