It's a crazy world, isn't it? And it just seems to get crazier all the time. Why things have gotten so bad now - "now" being "the 1950s" - that experts decided the only way to combat the growing mental health crisis was to recruit the comics themselves and hope that their zany cartoon antics could somehow bring relief to a nation traumatized by the bomb, 3D movies, Uncle Miltie, and chlorophyll toothpaste! And it totally worked and nobody ever had a mental health crisis again.
Now you may be saying, hey, didn't Mister Kitty's Stupid Comics make fun of one of these comics before? And we'd say no, never, why, you must be CRAZY, that's CRAZY TALK, you CRAZY. But seriously, yeah, we did do one of these before. But this one, it's completely different.
For one thing it opens with Dagwood and Blondie extolling the virtues of family planning - it's no "accident," says Blondie. Was birth control even legal in 1950?
Think you can trick Blondie into leaking her family's secret to mental health? Think again (the secret is lots of identical puppies, that's the secret).
And now on with our exciting Dagwood story which involves Dagwood getting hollered at by Mr. Dithers. And if you think this seems a little similar to the last Blondie Mental Health comic we did - or, indeed, 85% of every Blondie strip ever - you'd be right.
Mr. Dithers is NOT pleased by Dagwood's boners.
Same exact death wish panel as last time, but with a slightly different method of execution, because Dagwood's murder fantasies come in many, many varieties.
Grumpy hollering Dagwood takes his frustrations out on the entire family until Blondie, incensed beyond all restraint, finally grabs the nearest blunt object and prepares to shut Dagwood up! No jury will convict you, Blondie!
It's a well known psychological fact that beating the crap out of an inanimate object is way, way better than beating the crap out of actual people. And also the rug gets clean, so that's a double victory.
Here in 1950 it's Mom's time to shine... and by "shine" we mean "do all the work for everybody." How could American women ever want to leave this wonderful domesticity?
"Oh, you have to get up now Dagwood? Poor baby. *I'VE* been up for an HOUR cooking YOUR breakfast, you lazy..."
What's with the "splat splat splat"? Did they get hit by snowballs? Did they throw their oatmeal at the floor? Is there a paintball fight going on?
And so the long daily grind continues. Remember to get married as soon as you can, gals, and all this can be yours! And then you'll REALLY need some mental hygiene!
Herb is really forceful in justifying his flowers. For NO REASON AT ALL! I DIDN'T LOSE MY PAYCHECK IN ANY POKER GAME AND THEN GET DRUNK AND CALL TOOTSIE'S FAMILY A BUNCH OF LOSERS! NOT ME!
Family Of Four Killed In Tragic Yeast Explosion Caused By Half-Assed Over-Husbanding, the headlines will say.
Everybody needs love, moms and dads and sisters and brothers and dogs and cats, and dogs and cats together, judging from that last panel.
"Cookie & Alexander In: Let's Face Being Confused About Gender Roles!"
This'll teach Dagwood to get between two girls fighting over who gets to be the man!
Come on Alexander, you need to really bear down and hit those books. I'm fully confident you can pass high school algebra, get into a good university, and then... flunk COLLEGE algebra.
Will the entire Bumstead clan repent, quit their jobs, and slack off? Fat chance - this is 1950. Now stand up straight, get a clean shave, light up a Chesterfield, and get out there and lick Communism!
It's Saturday- Bumstead Picnic Day - and nothing gets in the way of Bumstead Picnic Day, except for the circus, and the tea party, and the flower show, and...
Left to his own devices, Dagwood immediately stars assembling time bombs for his comrades in the Weather Underground.
And in a hilarous misstep Dagwood smashes all the dishware in the place. Whee, paper plates just like a picnic, every night from now on! You too should let your family "air out" every once in a while. Send 'em to the flower show or the circus and enjoy an afternoon by yourself. You'll all be happier.
Dr. Newton Bigelow and the rest of us at the Blondie Institute Of Stayin' Square want YOU to get along with other people and enjoy life! Why not use the Beatitudes Of Blondie and make YOUR family just as happy and dazed and sandwich-obsessed as the Bumsteads?
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