There are those who say that heartbreak can drive you crazy. And there are those who say that you're probably unbalanced beforehand and that the heartbreak is just the straw that breaks the camel's back. And then there's this story, that starts off kind of nuts and never gets anywhere near normal human behavior. Plenty of heartbreak, though!
Didja ever just crouch behind a tree, watching a couple make up stories about snowmen, while you remind yourself your bills are due on Valentine's Day by scratching a complex rebus in the snow? That IS kind of sad, isn't it?
The very first thing Clara remembers is attending Arranged Marriage Kindergarten, where she and Billy were pre-pre-pre-engaged in some sort of midwestern cult ritual. And then came that wonderful day, while putting the magic hat on the snowman, when Billy made it official. Where's that ring, Billy?
They stood there kissing for seventeen solid weeks, breaking the world record by a wide margin.
All this takes place in a town where apparently grown women are allowed to visit kindergarten classes, whisper mysteriously to the children, and then fondle them at will. Look Clara, these two kids don't even LIKE each other, LEAVE THEM ALONE
Bill pasted a ghostly image of his face on Clara's windown so as to bring her mania to a fever pitch. Every day they'd walk into the woods and talk about how they'd love to be turned into trees. If these aren't the hallmarks of a healthy relationship then I don't know what to tell you!
And no, I don't know what to tell you!
It's right about now, where Clara is hoping to be the reincarnation of a woman made of snow, that I'm starting to think Clara may require professional counselling. You are already "Bill and me", lady, you don't have to wish for snowmen coming to life to make it happen!!
We know what REAL LOVE is Bill! It's being SEALED to each other at age five by our FATHER-WIZARD in a ceremony BLESSED by the STAR-WATER of the RAINBOW CONFEDERATION OF GALAXY PLANETS! Yes, I know I'm shouting! The world needs to know, Bill! Now stop flirting with that cashier, she isn't going to give you extra butter on the popcorn!
Well, looks like that years-long childhood engagement is now shot all to hell thanks to Miss Extra Butter and her sultry concession stand ways. Even Bill's ghostly face is no longer in the window! (meaning, the glue finally dried and the picture fell off)
And suddenly it was wintertime again, time to build the snow wedding and hope that finally the sympathetic magic in the act of creation will bring this wish to life. Think positive, Clara!
Clara's heart turned to ice as she heard Ann make the same exact remark *she* had made earlier on a regular basis for about ten or twelve years. Or maybe her heart was turning to ice because she was lying on the freezing ground in the middle of winter. Who knows?
Like a dying animal who apparently knows how to write, she scratched my last thoughts... in the snow... And they weren't "Gosh, it's cold" or "Gee, maybe I should go inside" or "Can't get enough of that Sugar Crisp" (if the dying animal in question was a dying Sugar Bear), but the name of the man who ditched her. As most animals would do.
Clara simply cannot stop herself from inappropriate and unwanted displays of public affection! First it was innocent kindergartners, and now it's innocent forest hunks. Is nobody safe?
Right here is where Crazy Clara shifts into Really Crazy Clara, pops the clutch, and tells sanity to eat her dust!
How can you tell this comic is from the 1960s? Well, the clothes, and the hairstyles. And the knocking of sense into people, that's a clue.
Damn you, you interlocking trees, mocking me with your togetherness! I'll smash you with my fists! Can nothing separate you? Has mankind not yet invented mechanisms with which to cut down trees?
That night, things were different. For one thing, a new face was pasted up on the window glass. Of course, at this point your only option is to open the windows and let the icy air give you pneumonia. If it can! That lying around on the frozen ground all day didn't even slow her down!
And to prove it, Clara rushes right out the next day to the snowmen and the interlocked trees and the handsome stranger, who spares the trees, confuses the county's property lines for years to come no doubt leading to numerous expensive lawsuits, and accepts Clara with open arms. Maybe THIS one will actually follow through on his marriage proposals! Let's find that magic hat and let the snowman do the honors, shall we?
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