When you have an established product of long duration, sometimes it's difficult to keep the public interested. That fickle public, always wanting something new! And this is where the magic of brand extension comes into play, allowing you to take your regular, everyday, possibly kind of boring product and jazz it up with a new color, or a new style, or a new flavor. That's where Kool-Aid found itself in the late 1980s, trying to keep kids hooked on their particular brand of sugar water in the face of soft drinks, juice boxes, and those jerks at Hi-C with exciting new tints and tinctures, all sold to America's youth through the power of the pitcher itself - Kool-Aid Man!
Yes, it's another Stupid Comics trip to that red-colored well as we bring you one more in the seemingly never ending promotional comic book adventures of Kool-Aid Man, who exists to lead his army of tweens in a never ending battle against milk, soda pop, and bottled water. Can Kool-Aid Man and his all-kid task force successfully name the new flavor, or will Scorch stop their flavor-naming flavor faving? Or will they just hire an ad agency like normal beverage companies? Let's find out!
Kool-Aid Man sure has been sending out a lot of free stuff from his Wacky Warehouse! Nobody tell him how businesses work, okay? Now let's try the new flavor of Kool-Aid while we try not to stare at his board shorts, because if we start thinking about Kool-Aid Man's pants, we're going to start asking why exactly he's wearing pants, and THEN we're going to start thinking about what he's hiding under those pants, and THEN we're going to realize that his genitalia probably looks like a little pitcher. Maybe an ice cube on each side. Ew
Kool-Aid Man has cleverly written his secret formula down on paper, visible to all, and he's affixed it to a clipboard, allowing it to be temporarily "clipped" to other papers and carried easily! Document security is not Kool-Aid Man's strong suit. And that's all to Scorch's advantage! He's got to stop that new flavor because when kids feel good, he feels bad, and rather than see a psychiatrist to deal with his deep rooted feelings of anger and poor self-worth, he's just going to sabotage a product launch.
After him, guys! Dodge our underpaid child laborers and follow him into the Parents Holding Facility!
As we see here, Kool-Aid Man rules over a "Wild In The Streets" style nation where the over-30s are kept in concentration camps and dosed regularly with LSD. Joke's on YOU, President Max Frost, because Shelly Winters actually digs acid... a lot!
Yes, we made a "Wild In The Streets" reference. There were movies before "Star Wars," you know!
AMAZING BUT TRUE: here we see Kool-Aid Man and the gang running through what clearly is a Dairy Queen "Grill & Chill" - more than ten years before Dairy Queen "Grill & Chill" even existed!!
Kool-Aid's Wacky Warehouse, where boxes of 'stuff' are constantly being trolleyed from one end of the building to another by ten year olds, before Kool-Aid Man sends it all out for free. That's wacky, all right.
Is it just me or is the child labor here getting younger and younger? Some of these kids make me think Kool-Aid Man is using TODDLER labor.
Who knew the secret of magical time travel was in the hands of a walking, talking, sentient pitcher of fruit punch? Hey Scorch, don't go in that room, it's clearly marked with the international symbol for "Kool-Aid Man Bathroom." It's for Kool-Aid Men and the Kool-Aid Male Identified only!
It appears the secret of magical time travel that is "always on" and "cannot be behind a locked door," apparently. Hire some adults, Kool-Aid Man!
Kool-Aid Man drops a Huey Lewis & The News reference while somehow changing his pants in the middle of a time vortex, or a time intestine, looks more like a time intestine. Ew.
guys it's BARNEY and he has SMALLPOX, get AWAY FROM HIM
"Hold on a minute, talking drink pitcher man. What is a "wacky back tracker", and why is it in a warehouse of powdered drink mix merchandise? Also, how exactly did bipedal mammals come to be the dominant life form on planet Earth? Kinda curious about that last one!"
Thank god comic books have finally been recognized as serious literature for grownups, he said, luxuriating at the spectacle of a panel where Kool-Aid Man perches on the head of a purple dinosaur.
This is just turning into a damn episode of The Flintstones, except even The Flintstones would know enough to not show a character who is literally made of fire having to build a campfire to burn one sheet of 8.5 x 11 paper. Scorch is made of fire, people, his tennis shoes leave flaming footprints, he doesn't have to build a Boy Scouts Of America approved camp fire
Sure, Kool-Aid Man *could* have locked his secret formula in a filing cabinet somewhere, but then we'd miss the exciting adventure where a fire-dwarf is threatened by a purple dinosaur.
Stay in dinosaur times, Scorch, you'll be happier there. Maybe your furious anger will eventually cause a mass extinction or something.
Hah, I knew that little new wave sunglasses guy didn't have the courage of his convictions!
Two important things to do upon returning to the Wacky Warehouse - check that all your 'stuff' is right where you left it, and then reinforce gender stereotypes (girls, check your hair in the mirror!)
It's back through the Time Colon for Scorch as the kids, and the readers, learn that Kool-Aid Man can see and hear everything everybody ever does, at all times. Bow down before him, lest you incur his wrath!
Abandoned to die of exposure, Scorch's lifeless body was found decades later, partially devoured by polar bears. That'll learn him.
Hey, it turns out they didn't need the formula to give this new flavor a name after all! They're going to call it PurpleSaurusRex, in honor of their new friend! Does this in fact mean that PurpleSaurusRex Flavor actually tastes like PurpleSaurusRex? Lick him and find out.
Yes it's the new flavor eruption of PurpleSaurusRex, which does NOT taste like PurpleSaurusRex urine, but like grape and lemon, meaning somebody at the Wacky Warehouse noticed they had a lot of those two flavors piling up and something had to be done, just shipping it out for free wasn't going to cut it.
WARNING: If YOU have a "flavor eruption" that lasts more than six hours, see your doctor!
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