Throughout history the debate rages. Are coloring books "comics"? They star comic book characters! They tell a sequential narrative with words and pictures! And sometimes they even have word balloons and panels. But intent matters, and these books are intended for children to scrawl all over, step on, get carsick all over, and generally abuse, not immediately shove into a plastic bag and store in a cool dark place for thirty years. So obviously they aren't comic books as we know them. But here at Mister Kitty, we simply don't care. We're going to make fun of 'em anyway.
Here for instance we have an exciting Batman adventure for us to color. First thing we need to color is the letter we're writing Whitman asking why Batman's skull is now so oddly elongated. Maybe he keeps important Bat-equipment on top of his head?
BATMAN in COLOR! Starring Bruce Wayne and Dick Grayson and tonight's special guest villain - Susie!
Look Gordon, if this is such a big deal that the newspapers are plastering it on their front page, why not throw some police at it? You know, the police you're commissioner of? Why not try that before you go involving extrajudicial masked vigilantes? Huh?
Passengers aboard the Gotham Queen can enjoy our airy cabins, our endless buffet, Vegas-style shows, and all the norovirus they can stand!
I don't know about you, but when I find odd holes in dark corners, I generally figure there is someone in there, and I also figure I want no part of whatever is going on involving holes and dark corners.
He's a dangerous stowaway all right - dangerous to all your preconcieved notions of men's fashion!
Not really sure which of Batman's rogues' gallery this is. Is he one of those off-brand weirdos that shows up in the opening credits of the 1966 TV show? Or was he pieced together out of bits and pieces of other, more superior villains just for this coloring book? Does Susie know? How about Debbie?
Is it really a good catch, Batman? Is it really?
Moving on to a more recognizable member of Bat-foes, here we see the Penguin FINALLY waddling the straight and narrow as a completely legitimate businessman! BUT- what will Batman think of this venture?
Well, everything seems shipshape, says Batman. Now the Penguin can sell his umbrellas with the Bat-seal of Approval and the rest of this coloring book will be about labor difficulties, supply issues, and financial statements. Right?
Uh oh, all those umbrellas are powerful magnets that are pulling the innocent citizens of Gotham City high in the air! Who could have foreseen that the Penguin's umbrella factory was but part of a nefarious criminal scheme? Maybe that super-detective Batman? Guess not.
Hey, it was a job for you back BEFORE people were zipping up into the sky clutching their Penguin Brand umbrellas for dear life, you caped madman. On the other hand, the consumers must bear at least some of the blame, I mean, come on, you KNEW you were buying umbrellas from a super villain known chiefly for crazy trick gadget umbrellas.
And just like that the Penguin had the slogan for his next legit venture - Oswald Cobblepot's Get-Down Roller Disco And Funkatorium!
Batman's Batplane is equipped with the most advanced weapons systems. Also, fish.
Ironically, the Penguin here is defeated by his namesake's fellow seabird, the seagull, commonly known as the Raccoon Of The Seas. Well, that's two criminals caught while floundering in the water, what's going to happen with Batman's next enemy?
Can't Bruce Wayne just rescue a kid from drowning without causing a crippling inferiority complex?
See the smile? The friendly zig-zag lightning bolts of power? Pills are your friends. Take pills today!
And just like that, Mark changes into The Blockbuster! Bullets don't stop him! Blocks are simply busted! And the late fees - don't even get me started!
Why, he even pushes through traffic. Obviously a menace to public order and welfare!
But the Blockbuster makes one critical mistake - he loses his wallet. That's been the downfall of many a supervillain! And many a regular person, to be honest.
Either Batman and Robin are about to tackle a giant-sized foe, or they're about to have one helluva party at stately Wayne Manor.
Why on Earth is the Blockbuster puzzled? He must have heard that "Nana nana nana nana" theme music coming from miles away!
Insert your own POWs and ZAPs and KAZOWs here as Batman and Robin use mighty punches, Batcuffs, and Bat Tear Gas to battle the Blockbuster!
But it's to no avail as all their sex dungeon toys - I mean, specially designed weapons - come to naught against the Blockbuster's mighty might, not to mention his endless shelves of new releases at popular prices!
Batman gets an idea! He'll remove his mask revealing himself to be either (a) an off-model drawing of Superman, or (b) Netflix founder Reed Hastings, either one of which could totally destroy Blockbuster!
Aren't we all, Blockbuster. Aren't we all.
Give him some of those pills! Are they "Normal" pills, or "Norman" pills, pills that transform monsters into beloved character actor Norman Fell? I guess we'll find out.
Returned to normal, Mark Desmond thanks Batman and moves on. Will he find a way to control the raging spirit that dwells within him? Cue dramatic music, credits, network ID, please stay tuned for One Day At A Time! No, wait, that's a DIFFERENT rampaging man-monster. Anyway, don't take strength pills or sell magnetic umbrellas, and look out for those holes, kids!
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