Scientists. What are they really good for? Sure, research and calculation have given us things like TV, nuclear power, and Flintstones Vitamins. But for every miracle there's a disaster, for every triumph a failure, for every Three Mile Island there's a Chernobyl. What kind of foolishness will these scientists and their experiments and their institutes and their museums get up to next?
Gentlemen! The question before you is this! Shall we defrost this cartoonishly stereotypical caveman in the hopes that (a) he still somehow is alive, and (b) introduce us to Ringo Starr and Barbara Bach?
Look fellas, the Paleopathology Department is going to want to check this guy out whether he's alive or dead, and they can't do that if he's a popsicle. Get those space heaters working already! And you might wanna open a window because it's probably gonna get whiffy in there.
According to the latest theories of "what happens when human beings are frozen stiff for fifty thousand years" - that is to say, theories that have been proven time and time again for, say, fifty thousand years- our caveman buddy is dead as a doornail. But no, Mr. Bolton here doesn't want to take that chance! Leave him frozen!
Maybe I'm a fool, and.... no! I can't ignore that brochure from the Cryogenics Live Forever Freeze Your Body Company, Incorporated! That caveman could yet come to life and wreak caveman havoc with his mighty club and possible Captain Caveman powers!
I KNEW Jimmy Olsen was going to show up in this one, I just KNEW it.
Remember kids, smoking kills. And occasionally brings the frozen dead back to life, maybe. So I guess it's a toss-up.
It took decades of zoning laws and building codes to mitigate the damage of these shoddy, flammable, mid-century construction techniques. Worked out well for this unfrozen caveman, though. Meanwhile in the early 1990s, SNL writer Jack Handey looks up from this comic book, sees an ad on TV for a legal firm, and comedy history is born.
Yes, the caveman is alive! And needs dental work. Maybe he's a vampire. That would explain the not dying after thousands of years, and the scientists' assurance that they're about to be attacked. I bet he's hungry!
It's Caveman On The Loose Thursdays down here at the National Museum. Bring the kids!
This is the part they don't teach you in grad school - that sometimes your experiments go awry and there you are, grabbing spears and giant medieval... I dunno what that is, some sort of scimitar or something, you've got to grab whatever's at hand and take down that experiment before innocent people are hur... whoops, too late.
Get the police? Maybe animal control? Naw, we can handle this. We're trained SCIENTISTS... and we have POINTY STICKS.
You look at the caveman, you look at the frozen lake, you sigh, and you say "looks like it's gonna be one of those days."
And that's it, the ironic ending, they found the frozen caveman and they unfroze him and he chased Bolton into the freezing lake where he froze. Pretty spooky stuff eh kids. But wait! There's more!
YES! The caveman was actually a SPACE ALIEN from JUPITER who had posed as a frozen caveman for his secret mission! Pretending to be a frozen caveman in ice for fifty thousand years? That IS a tough job, Thor!
BTW I love the way these Jovians look, all pointy heads and blobby dad-bods. Especially that one smiling Jovian on the right. He's just having a good day - which on Jupiter only lasts ten hours! Enjoy it, buddy!
Here's your twist ending - Thor disguised himself as a frozen caveman, for god knows how many years, just to trap a specimen of a real Earth man. That is an AWFUL lot of work for something you could accomplish more easily by... just about any other method you can think of. Come on guys, why not thaw Bolton out? He'd do the same for you!
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