We've been doing Stupid Comics for a while and we've covered a lot of different comics. New and old, corporate and independent, deadly serious and wildly comedic, and just about every combination and permutation thereof. But there's one genre of comics that we haven't really spent a lot of time on and we feel it's time we rectified the situation. What am I talking about? I'm talking about Bad Girls. Toot toot, yeah, beep beep, bad girls, talking about bad girls!
Yes, Bad Girls. An entire genre of comic book predicated on the notion that there is a vast readership out there of potential customers who desperately want to see sexy ladies in various stages of undress committing acts of violence and mayhem. Sure, comics have been home to cheesecake and good girl art since, well, since ever. Ask your grandpa about Tijuana Bibles or "headlights" sometime. He won't know what you're talking about, but you should spend more time with him. Anyway, it was the direct market comic book industry that refined this specific art form into a category all its own, and it's these decades of busty, trashy, exploitative comics we'll be looking at today.
You can instantly tell it's a "bad girl" comic - the costumes will be ridiculously abbreviated, the firearms will invariably be smoking, the breasts will be exaggerated, the waist will be tiny, the bikini area will be waxed to exacting specifications, and the general attitude will be extreme, in the extreme, to the extreme.
Bad Girls glare and pout, their posture is terrible, and by law if one panel emphasizes the breasts, the next panel has to focus on the butt. That's the law, even for ERRR women!
Hey writers! Stuck for names for your bad girl characters? Heck, just name 'em after what they're wearing.
"Widow" is a bad girl comic for Mature Readers Only who, for reasons known only to their therapists, (our guess is sneaking an underage look at the anime film "Beast City," look it up, nerds) are interested in a comic about a sexy spider-woman who, for legal reasons, cannot be named Spider-Woman. Or Black Widow, either.
Sometimes these bad girls are just named after their accessories. Shotgun Mary here was almost named Mirrorshades Mary, but that didn't test as well with the focus groups.
Looks like the next season of the popular Netflix documentary series Tiger King is going in a wild new direction!
One thing you should strive for in your Bad Girl comic is that pose where the reader can see both the boobs and the butt at the same time. What you DON'T need to worry about is having a story. This particular story is fifteen whole pages long, and at the end of those fifteen pages Hellgirl has... turned into Hellgirl, which everybody already knew was going to happen. But that's okay, because the people buying this comic are interested in boobs and butts and not how those boobs and butts are delivered to their eyes, that part is secondary. Yeah, they know they could buy Penthouse at the 7-11. But they were going to be in the comic shop anyway.
This comic here got all classy and went with a metallic silver cover that winds up looking like it was printed on the side of an old metal cooler or maybe the door to a walk-in freezer in a meat packing plant, and has the additional benefit of rendering the title unreadable, unless they were trying to make people think this comic book was titled "Asssassihiil Humnd Strpke."
Turns out it's about a sexy lady who lives in a world where the panel borders are so fussy and busy with roses and chains and nonsense that it's difficult to tell that she has the ability to enter other people's subconscious minds and battle their mental fears, which means this is either the inspiration for the 2010 film "Inception" or the 2000 movie "The Cell," and judging by the posterior on display, I'm gonna go with "The Cell." But let me ask you a question, what's worse than one bad girl? TWO bad girls!
Wow, **two** identical busty ladies with improbable firearms?! I'm sure this comic will be doubly awesome!
Hey, hold on here, page one and we've got two DIFFERENT identical busty gun ladies to deal with? Standing on their tippy toes? Hiding their legs behind word balloons? (seriously, where is the rest of her leg?) And are those purple text boxes captions, or is somebody else talking? I'm very confused.
The rest of the comic isn't any more helpful, consisting as it does of various muscled dudes trying out English for the first time.
But before the dudes can kill each other, the two sexy ladies who aren't Double Impact show up to kill them... before they can kill each other... maybe the sexy ladies should just let this one play out.
And then everybody assumes weird poses and, of course this exciting story will be continued. Don't you love paying full price for a comic book that wastes an entire page to tell us "continued"? Especially a comic book that doesn't feature the title characters at all?
I'll say this for Sweet Lucy - the cover promised us a tribal-tattooed bikini lady dissolving into a high-tech control panel, and by golly, it delivered! The ninjas are, of course, a bonus.
Nyght School takes twenty pages to get us to the actual adult education class taught by Miss Knyght. Pages 1-19 featured Miss Nyght engaging in sex acts and murder, and if you are wishing we'd shown you those pages, well, you really aren't, trust us on this, you know how these comics are all sexy ladies drawn by people who have never seen an actual sexy lady in real life? Think about how they draw people having sex. It's about like that.
Lady Vampré! She's a lady! She's a vampré! No, we don't know what a vampré is, but we're assuming it's like a vampire, but much more copyrightable!
Finally the Bad Girls of Black Out Comics team up to waggle their bazoombas and shake their katongohs and together make readers wonder why they aren't simply buying that month's "Playboy." Not enough swords? Get with it, Hef!
You'd think Lady Vampré and Jack The Ripper would get along, but they really don't have a lot in common. For one thing, Jack The Ripper wouldn't be caught dead in thong underwear!
But at last NOW there is justice! Now point those things at the reader for one more panel and let's all get back to our own comics. Wait, they all got cancelled.
The human body is a miracle of creation, and you'd think that people publishing sexy almost-naked lady comics would get some artists who were at least halfway familiar with how the human body works. I mean, it's not like photographs of sexy almost-naked ladies are readily available at every corner store and gas station in North America. But let's not be tied down by boring old reality. Comics are a creative wonderland where we're free to ignore the laws of physics, anatomy, perspective, and storytelling - sometimes all in the same panel. Namely, that fourth panel there.
Some of the "bad girl" comics fell more on the "cheesecake" side of things and hey, look at that, they're parody comics. Because they took Batman, and they turned Batman into a sexy lady! That's a "spoof." Hilarious! Also hilarious is the old bait-and-switch where the reader gets a classy Adam Hughes cover, but interiors that are not up to Adam Hughes standards, even with the inclusion of custom sound effects like "SHLAR," whatever that's supposed to be.
Look (chuckle), it's (haw haw) laff out loud funny (guffaw), they made (chortle) sexy lady versions of Daredevil and Superman! Comedy GENIUS! Also, check out those boobs, fellas! Adam Hughes boobs! Are they gonna trick me again with interior art by somebody else? They are, aren't they?
Other Bad Girl comics trend more "adults only", like this fine publication here, which, hey, if you're the kind of guy that wants to walk into a store and buy something with an SS propaganda poster on the cover, not a redrawing of a SS poster but they just slapped that actual SS poster right in there, what's WRONG with some people, well, nobody's going to stop you, I guess?
There really are "bad girl" comics that cater to every taste. If you get hot thinking about anthropomorphic women in leather and restraints, then by golly, comics are here to help you with that. Heck, this might not even count as a "bad girl" comic, or even as a "comic", I don't even know any more. After wading through piles of these low-rent wet-dream fantasy adventure fantasies, I don't even know my name any more.
Speaking of therapy, we've saved the wildest for last, this one is a gigantic, sprawling, confused sci-fi epic that starts off with a nuclear war, moves on to a female-dominated world divided between Asia and Europe where men are pitiful slaves ruled over by sneering, pouty dominatrixes, and gets right into the butt-plug equipped airborne combat gliders. Somebody spent a LOT of time thinking all this up.
A revolving crew of artists serve to bring the world of Vixen Wars to life, occasionally reminding us how those scheming women of both governing "racenations" are using genetic engineering to remove men from the breeding process and turn them into second class citizens! And if they hadn't taken away the beer and the pro football, men would never have noticed.
If you're wondering if Vixen Wars, which lasted ten issues and as far as I can figure has no relation to the video game of the same name, if it fails to deliver on its promise of sultry, battle-hardened Wicked Wardens and She-Wolves, but with the extra added advantage of Sexy Orientalism, well, wonder no more.
Look everybody, I'm not saying this comic isn't kind of out there. Because it is. We're deliberately avoiding giant chunks of story where women abuse each other in the name of RaceNation FemDom Combat. What I'm saying is if you're wanting a comic book where a small Asian woman in a powdered wig and a tricornered hat is riding a giant naked lady like a horse, then Vixen Wars has you covered!
Oh, you thought I was kidding? Furthermore, you thought that maybe they'd put it on the cover but not in the interior? Think again, and cringe in terror just like the second-class citizen male in the lower right corner, who was forced to read every issue and write an essay on the full geopolitical structure of this extremely specific fictional world that seemingly was created to satisfy the very detailed proclivities of its publisher. Auuuuuuuuu. Auuuuuuu indeed. pal.
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