Saddle up, boys! It's one more trip down the dusty trail of Western comics. No, there wasn't a comic book based on the legendarily terrible Western-set Gilligan's Island remake "Dusty's Trail," but this one's almost as derivative - it's about a gun-slinging Western hero, a fiery horse with the speed of light, a cloud of dust, a hearty yell, and a secret identity that allows him to smoke out owlhoots and desperadoes without fail.
Yes, it's Straight Arrow, brought to you by Lionel Trains, fun for all ages, ask your local dealer about Lionel Trains. I hope those are Lionel Trains, otherwise Straight Arrow and his horse and his dog are now fearsome super-giants!
But what is the legend of Straight Arrow? What's his mysterious lore that we'll see repeated every adventure?
Fantastic new real estate investment opportunities, apparently. Units are moving fast in this, the last subterranean development in this neighborhood! Don't wait!
That patriotic American story of pioneers setting across the plains to tame the wilderness, build a new nation, and enrich the shopowners of Sawtooth Junction has never been more brilliantly illustrated. And sure, the settlers might have to fight for their new homes... who do you think they'll be fighting, Mister Comanche Chief Straight Arrow? Hint: probably Indians. Like you.
The lack of wagon trains full of desperate, hungry, easily fleeced pioneers is putting a serious dent in Sawtooth Junction's profit margins. What could have happened? Are they taking the new interstate that bypassed us?
Powerful 19th century mullet energy here as trappers and cowboys alike wait impatiently for the invention of ice hockey.
Say, that's the mysterious legend of Straight Arrow - Straight Arrow is actually a white guy pretending to be a Comanche! Hey, if they can do it in movies, they can do it in comics.
And here's our expository paragraph about the firey horse and the cloud of dust, the secret cave where Straight Arrow's horse lives. I bet it gets pretty funky in that cave after a few days! Easy, big horse! I'll shovel your stall out soon!
Vacation tip: the name of the "Crazy Bronc River" was recently changed to "Developmentally Challenged Free Range Equine National Wilderness Area."
Abducted by aliens, Straight Arrow, that's what happened. No, wait, this is the 19th century, they were taken aboard a series of innovative airships constructed by brilliant inventors from back East.
And now we pause for a brief commercial message.
It's practically a gift! Not ACTUALLY a gift, but darn close. And it's the mid 1950s so of course we're going to smear a thick layer of Davy Crockett all over it.
Now, back to Straight Arrow!
My takeaway from this sequence is that smokers have always been inconsiderate, wilderness-fire-starting jerks. But without their carelessness, we wouldn't get the kind of easily spotted clues that drive these simple narratives forward, now would we?
That smug look on Straight Arrow's face says it all. "I'll show him, I'll COME BACK LATER!" This is some basic-bitch Indian Skulking here, buddy. The Poohawks (from Tumblweeeds) are laughing at you!
YES I AM gonna reference Tumbleweeds every time we do a Western, DEAL WITH IT.
What do you know about that? Scorpions will sting you, even if you stay perfectly still!
Cave Conestogas! Lurking in the depths of the earth, bursting forth to conquer and destroy!
Only an Indian could slip past those sentries, so it beats the heck out of me how Straight Arrow does it.
All right, I know full well that according to the Straight Arrow radio program, Straight Arrow actually WAS a Comanche orphan who was adopted by the Adams family - not the one you're thinking of, but a different family - and raised as if he was a white boy, so this is what, whiteface on top of redface? I'm confused.
This is DEFINITELY a General International Foods Coffee moment for Arapaho Charlie and Straight Arrow.
So that's the evil bandit plan - capture entire wagon trains, rob them of all their valuables, and then keep the settlers confined in a giant cave, which is an awful lot of trouble for a bandit gang, you'd think they'd just murder everybody. However, the power of the Comics Code Authority extends even to the Old West.
Those settlers have been locked in the cave for months. And we thought Straight Arrow's cave was smelly! Too bad none of the settlers thought to wander back and check out the river flowing right to freedom.
And just like that, Straight Arrow is outta there. So long, suckers!
STRAIGHT ARROW WILL RETURN AFTER THESE MESSAGES
Hey kids! Get in my Davy Crockett Tent! Sure, it's just a plastic sheet draped over a card table, an embarrassment to both the toy industry and the memory of one of America's great frontiersman, but on the other hand, this Davy Crockett craze won't last forever. It has to end soon. It MUST
Thanks to the mirror heliograph, the wagon train is saved. No more Conestogas for that cave! Which is OK, as we pointed out, it's gotta be getting whiffy in there.
What's harder for these bandits- shifting those giant boulders at least twice a day, or listening to Straight Arrow explain every single boring detail of his itinerary?
And so the wagon trains come back to Sawtooth Junction, and once the setters see those prices they'll wish they were back in the cave! Better hurry if you want to reward Straight Arrow, gang, his comic book only lasts two more issues. However, don't despair, apparently the copyright to the character Straight Arrow is now owned by Education Is Our Buffalo, an organization that promotes awareness of Indigenous issues in Canada, the United States of America and around the world. It is, however, unknown at this time whether or not they have a cave with walls that gleam like gold.
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