In these trying and troubled times what we need are heroes, real life heroes whose brave deeds and amazing exploits we can emulate. And comic books are here to help, especially if you're a Catholic kid who has a "lives of the saints" research paper due shortly in parochial school!
Thrill to the exciting saga of overwhelming obstacles, undeniable victories, and forgotten meals! Okay, so "Enter The Dragon" this ain't.
Let's not kid ourselves, part of the reason these stories were so popular with parents and educators is the chance to show bratty modern kids exactly how terrible things were back in Ye Olden Days. Starvation, illness, poverty, all were rampant. Of course these same parents and educators would probably be the first to complain about how terrible our modern world is, what with its jazz music, loose cars, and fast women. There's no pleasing some people!
PARENTS: feel free to print this one out poster size and put it on your daughter's wall to give her something to think about the next time she needs a new pair of designer jeans or some skirt you won't let her leave the house wearing!
Fever-ridden peasants die in droves for lack of medical health in their poverty-stricken villages. Perhaps the King will... nope, he's too busy whooping it up in Tuileries Palace.
It's a wonderful day when the Blessed Virgin Mary decides YOUR prayers will be answered. I guess those thousands of other people praying to the Blessed Virgin Mary just weren't praying HARD ENOUGH. But the good times are fleeting when you live in a poverty-ridden disease-infested hellhole!
"I'll be leaving you in the care of the Heavenly Father. Oh, and also your real father too. But mostly the Heavenly one."
Back in those days servants were hired based on their ability to deliver a clean house AND a solid right hook to the jaw.
Doing some top-notch parenting there Dad. "Everything OK? Swell. Now I gotta get back to whatever it is I do. Something with one of those monster movie villager-type hay-rakes, I think."
And JUST when things are doing okay, WHAM here comes another round of illness to strike Germaine's family. Someone hurry up and invent the germ theory of disease already!
The text here is unclear as to how exactly Germaine crippled her left arm, but it sure makes for a good visual when begging for food from door to door! Anyways, deadbeat Dad here FINALLY found some work he could do. They needed somebody down at the factory to ignore problems, I guess. Well, things will be fine now!
Ha, just kidding! Things are awful, thanks to that old fairy tale standby the Evil Stepmother. Pro tip, Germaine - if she sends you into the woods on an errand, remember to bring breadcrumbs!
Where's the fairy godmother? Where are the magic mice? Where's the Prince Charming? This Disney movie isn't fun at all!
And here we have the winner of the Clueless Dad competition for 1605. Way to neglect your kid, Dad! You're an inspiration to us all.
Captain Stepmom, billy club in hand, has a standard punishment. Any man forgets his number, spends the night in the barn. Any man loses his spoon, spends a night in the barn. Any man playin' grab-ass or fightin' in the buildin' spends a night in the barn. Any man not in his bunk at 8:00 spends a night in the barn. Any man caught smokin' in the prone position in bed spends a night in the barn. Any man turns in the wrong sheet spends a night in the barn. Any man with dirty pants on sittin' on a bunk spends a night in the barn. Any man don't bring back his empty pop bottle spends a night in the barn. Any man loud-talkin' spends a night in the barn. Any crippled girl naps on the bed... spends a night in the barn.
Fear not my daughter. No harm shall befall thee. No FURTHER harm, I mean.
That's Angels Animal Care, we walk dogs, feed cats, watch sheep while you attend Mass, we do it all, call 1-800-55-ANGEL today!
Some versions of this story have the water parting for Germaine like the Red Sea did for Moses and the Israelites, but that image might perhaps have been a bit too... Hebraic for this publication?
And so after a lifetime of abuse and suffering, Germaine got, like, super holy, and lots of miracles happened, and we'd totally show you these miracles but we ran out of space. And then she died and went to her Reward In Heaven, which we'd totally show you but again, we ran out of space. Just rest assured that no matter how terrible your life is, if you're pious enough, you'll get your Reward In Heaven, and if you're exceptionally holy they'll make you a saint in a couple of hundred years. Fair warning - this might involve disinterment and inspection of your corpse. So dress nicely!
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