Was there room in the overstuffed comic book industry of 1986 for entire lines of black and white super-people adventure comics starring aliens and space robots and government agents who steal things for the government? No. No there wasn't. But if people let a little thing like consumer disinterest and market saturation stop them, well, we here at Mister Kitty would have fewer comic books to write about.
Here's a handy tip for all you would-be comic book moguls out there; try not to give your comic book a title that someone on your team is absolutely guaranteed to misspell at least once.
And before we start, a little message from our editor about the twenty (!!) Silverwolf titles taking up valuable rack space at your local comic shop. A year later those comics were taking up less valuable real estate in the 25-cent bins. The winner is obviously future star Rob Liefeld, here a promising minor leaguer paying his dues while avoiding characters' feet. But let's get on with our story!
Just gotta ask, how many "followers" does a top secret government team have? Is this all going on their Instagram page?
Activate the television camera built inside your crash helmet - nothing protects from concussion like those heavy 1980s camcorders - and let's do it, let's kick some ass!
It's a beautiful two-page ass-kicking ballet of pistols and hand-flames as the Thieves attack a room full of kung-fu movie extras and Bob from Accounting, in what appears to be a law library.
Do you think she can hear your thoughts, bald guy? Even if she could, she'd be deafened by two different people hollering the same thing at her, one in the room and one over her two-way TV helmet. Which honestly seems superfluous at this point.
It's the 1980s so our super heroes need to be equipped with ninja "Sai" so they can do all kinds of exciting ninja stabby things, even though they have guns and hands that shoot flame. Fashion over function! It's the 1980s!
Here comes their backup, a bald alien dude driving a "sleek semi" in what appears to be white-out blizzard conditions. Careful on those turns!
Nothing says 'highly classified government team' like doing a terrible job parking your truck, drinking bad coffee out of travel mugs, and yes, mis-spelling the name of your own comic book. Did I call it, or what?
(INCIDENTAL FLASHBACK MUSIC INTENSIFIES)
"I got high and started flipping channels between a Battlestar Galactica two-parter, a re-run of Space: 1999, and some Japanese robot cartoon. Then I was teleported aboard the ship of a renegade robot, and that's when things got *really* weird."
"Then a blander version of "Bug" from the "Micronauts" comic book appeared in a cloud of ink splotches, and we knew we had a team!"
"When our spaceship crashed on Earth you two picked up a magic rock we'd been carrying. That's why you have weird hand-fire type powers that nobody, not even the writers, can or will explain."
"And then my giant head appeared, floating in the air. Am I still high? Is it time for Fantasy Island yet?"
As highly classified government agents they're tasked with retrieving highly classified documents that have been stolen from the highly classified government agencies that apparently can't keep track of a few highly classified papers. That's our highly classified government at work, I guess
Here's where our highly classified government secret agents use their ultra-advanced high technology to - get this! - REMOTELY open a GARAGE DOOR. Pretty awesome, right?
Sure, it looks like a normal department store. Put on your Sunday best kids, we're going shopping at Box City, and then to Crates & Crates!
Top highly classified governmental agency not only lost a shitload of important papers, but they can't even send their highly classified team of thieves to steal them back because their highly classified agency is riddled with spies. Maybe this agency's status needs to be downgraded to "somewhat classified" or "not at all secret in any way, come on in fellas"
This meeting could EASILY have been a Zoom call.
Sleep well? No way! It's World Of Warcraft ALL NIGHT LONG for Diana!
Want to seduce your man? Put on your stripey op-art dress and confound his every visual expectation!
Highly classified government agent tactics seem to be only one step removed from the old "light paper bag on fire, ring doorbell and run" gag, except this time the fire is set using your laser fire eyeballs! Which apparently are a thing you have. Unlike your television camera helmets, which you DON'T have this time, for some reason.
Again, you can shoot fire from all sorts of body parts. You absolutely do not need "ninja weapons" you bought from an ad in Black Belt Magazine.
Nothing but SHUK and AAIERGH and WHHHROK and ¡DIOS MIO! as these renegade S.O.U.R.C.E. flunkies find out masks won't protect you from everything!
Watch out, someone's behind what we can only assume is a door among all this white space that surrounds us. Now FLAME ON! Sorry, wrong comic book company. Who could be behind that door?
It's our old pal Guillotine, the Robot Ronin, one of the class of masterless samurai who defy the rigid strictures of the Edo period and seek employment among other black and white comics of the 1980s.
I'm pretty sure Guillotine and Diane and Alex will fight each other for about fifteen pages and then decide to team up and fight somebody else, and then THAT comic will end on a cliffhanger, and then Silver Wolf Comics will go out of business. Such is the way of the world. In the meantime, keep better track of your highly classified documents or YOU'LL be getting a visit from the Thieves! Or maybe the Theives. Whichever.
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