Used to be everybody knew superheroes were silly kids' stuff. Then we started taking superheroes really seriously. Then they got silly again, except for where they were really serious, and... now I'm confused. One thing's for sure, though; this story is really silly. Except where it's not!
As we all know, super-people from Krypton get their super powers from the rays of Earth's yellow sun. So when Supergirl crashlands on a planet with a green sun, she'll lose those powers and be just a normal girl. Nobody remind Supergirl or DC's writers exactly which two colors combine to make green, okay?
You see NASA would have had women astronauts all along, but they just couldn't get a decent outfit together! Without spacesuits that hug those girlish curves, what's the point? Thank goodness Supergirl is going to model their new pressure-suit concepts today on the runway at the fashion sho... I mean, on Pad Nine at Cape Kennedy. All systems are go-go-glamour!
YES the previous owner of this comic book three-hole punched it and probably stuck it in a three-ring binder, to be saved for posterity, just to make lots of comic book collectors recoil in shock and horror.
Sure Supergirl, show up one minute before launch. That's PLENTY of time!
They lost SO MANY astronauts before they decided to send Supergirl up. Every one of them explosively decompressed by micrometorite impact. It was awful.
And then an inexplicable space phenomenon blasts Supergirl's spaceship across the universe. NASA lost a lot of astronauts THAT way too. So tragic.
"Remember Armstrong, if your guidance system is knocked out on the way to the moon, just shove a chunk of uranium in its general direction, that'll fix it." Doesn't sound quite like the best way to repair a spaceship, but of course I'm not a top NASA orbital capsule designer.
You know what they say, any landing you can drama-queen fainting-couch away from...
And here it is folks, one of those famous out of context panels the internet has made into an unwilling superstar. Enjoy, if you're into that kind of thing! Not gonna judge.
Turns out Supergirl was merely being hosed down by strangers. You know some people pay big money for this! Not gonna judge.
Nothing like a hearty steak dinner or its equivalent in sticky golden sap to pep space travellers up!
This new planet is a fascinating place, full of amazing unearthly wonders like singing crystals, dragomonsters... and tax collectors, just to keep things from getting TOO unearthly.
But THESE tax collectors shoot fire from their eyes! If it's a choice between getting audited every year, or Evil Eye torching my hut, I'll take the fire, thanks. Which, of course, comes from the luminous eyes that creatures develop when they evolve in darkness. That's why cave crickets, deep-sea lobsters, and star-nosed moles all shoot fire. Look out, spelunkers!
These evil-eye taxmen need to learn about garnishing wages and delayed payments. Burning down huts might be fun, but will it fund public works? Defense? Education? No.
Just blasting into space with iron bars and car batteries, that's how NASA was rolling in '66, throw a crowbar and the marine Delco into the Gemini and blast off. Supergirl might need to make a magnet, you know, to steal some crystals from some Monster Manual rejects.
Hey! Fire-eyes dude! Delayed payment plan! A penalty and three percent on top of the federal short term interest rate! That's how late taxes roll in countries that have their act together. You know, countries with space programs. Your country have a space program? I didn't think so!
Oh my GOD this is the WORST Dungeons & Dragons campaign EVER, I'm leaving, I can get better action in the Vampire LARP across the hall. So long, suckers
You know on Earth, you can ALSO buy golden showers. Not really the same thing, though.
We are DEEP in Sid & Marty Krofft territory here with these tree-men and their sad tree-faces. I think the last time I saw these characters, they were hurling McDonalds Apple Pies instead of spears.
Yeah, that's a deep McDonaldland Character cut. I don't care. I like those pies.
So here's a scene where Supergirl is taking a ride on some stranger's giant log. Come on, Comics Code, DO YOUR JOB
"Aw crap I have to get this Supergirl story finished and I'm completely out of ideas. Maybe if I sit in the back yard and stare at bugs and sticks for an hour or so, some ideas will come to me."
Remember Chekov's rule about giant gas-filled acorns, which is that if you see a giant gas-filled acorn in one scene, it's sure to act as a weirdly convenient plot contrivance in another scene. Can't wait!
I have two words of advice for you. Just two words. Fireproof plastics. That's it. Fireproof plastics. Steal them from the golden shower people and use them to deflect the fire beams of the Evil-Eyed Ones.
Okay, maybe that's more than two words. Whatever.
I normally wouldn't ask this, but after what I've seen in the rest of this story, hey, is this ankle grabbing also some kind of a fetish?
And one quick Google search later I can say YES. Not gonna judge. Whatever it takes, gang.
Fireproof plastics. That's it. Fireproof plastics. Steal them from the golden shower people and use them as parachues to escape the wrath of the Evil-Eyed Ones. Is there ANYTHING fireproof plastics can't do?
Meanwhile, in an episode of Beep Beep The Road Runner, the Coyote is in the middle of another one of his crazy schemes!
And continuing that Warner Brothers cartoon logic, Supergirl telepathically signals the ant people to very quickly move two gigantic trees and form them into a rudimentary catapult, in precisely the correct location so that the falling ledge will toss the gas-filled acorn to exactly plug up the cavern of the Evil-Eyed Ones, who apparently will forget to dig around the acorn and be trapped forever in a non-tax-collecting hell of their own making. An obvious solution, really!
Fireproof plastics. That's it. Fireproof plastics. Steal them from the golden shower people and use them to protect your hands from radiation as you re-power your spacecraft's guidance system. NASA lost so many astronauts to cancer and radiation burns before they abandoned their whole "find some radioactive rocks" protocols!
Ironically it turns out the people of Lumal think the powerless Supergirl was super powered anyway, because she used magnetism, their amazing transparent fireproof plastic, and some Looney Toons physics to perform amazing feats, and all she got in return was a trip home, a ride on a log, and a shower. Sometimes that's what you need! Not gonna judge.
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