It's 1984 and George Orwell's predictions have all come true: our TV watches us back, we've always been at war with Oceania, and legions of new comics publishers crowd the distributors and grease the wheels of industry as the comic book field booms with what Ingsoc would likely call "doubleplusungood" product! It's a great time to whip up your own crew of super people having fantastic super adventures. All you need are some young artists looking to build some "street cred", some printers that work on credit, and enough members of the Junior Anti-Sex League to plunk down their dollar seventy-five and take your adventure home! That's what's happening this week. So fill your glass with some Victory Gin and let's go, comrade!
Good health means good, sensible, calm eating habits, which is why I tell you time and again not to Bolt your Starforce Six. At first glance this looks like Electric Spider-Man blasting a team of garage mechanics led by Farrah Fawcett-Majors. Is it, though? And if not, why not?
It's a beautiful day for the launch of the Space Shuttle Nemesis. Glad to see NASA is following the convention of naming shuttles after lesser Star Trek properties!
Let's see, we've got Col. Cameron Mitchell, fresh from his starring role in "Space Mutiny", and - no, wait, this is MITCHELL CAMERON. Totally different guy. There's him, and Dr. Leonard Morton who's a scientist, and Eileen McKensie - who's a PRETTY LADY! Gosh, a woman astronaut. What WILL they think of next?
Well, there's a problem with the video radar system. Namely, installing such an obviously bogus-sounding "video radar system" thing in the first place
Listen Eileen, you undermined the efforts of others to claw your way into outer space as what this comic apparently believes is the first American woman astronaut (not even close), you can handle an EVA. Or can you?
Oh, you had a back-up unit? Why didn't you just install that in the first place, Doctor Lazy?
I'll have this comic know that record-length EVA times have been set by women astronauts, and not just Sandra Bullock in "Gravity". But we'll let you let Eileen have her space-madness freakout and Mitchell Cameron will finish up his starring role in "The Swarm", put on his experimental radiation suit, and fix that video radar himself.
Don't you hate it when your space shuttle is attacked by, as the sound effect indicates, a giant man-fish hybrid created by a mad scientist as seen in "Blood Waters Of Dr. Z"?
This is when you take a step back and tell the strange cosmic cloud NO in a loud, clear voice. NO THIS IS HARASSMENT AND I DON'T HAVE TO TAKE IT
Think, Doctor. Think hard about what you're saying. Has there ever been a situation ever in the history of everything that would be improved by "a laser blast"?
Well, when all you have is a laser - which apparently are a thing on space shuttles now - when all you have is a laser, then every problem looks like a strange cosmic cloud that needs blastin'.
Just a minor problem, Mrs. Cameron. We've lost contact with your husband's space shuttle for over an hour. Nothing to worry about. This kind of communications failure has happened twice in the space shuttle program, and afterwards... uh... forget I said anything.
Oh, let him use the Canadarm, Canada's most famous technological achievement in the field of robotics! Come on! You want to make the Calgary news, right?
If Eileen McKensie was so frightened by the cold darkness of space, maybe she shouldn't have mean-girled her way to the top of the astronaut program. Didja ever think of that Eileen?
The interior of the space shuttle, while cramped, has ample space for the Dead Astronaut Funeral Parlor Viewing Room. Just in case astronauts die.
Mrs Cameron hollers MITCHELL and the Mystery Science Theater 3000 references just keep on coming! Believe me, when the wife starts hollering your name in that tone of voice, you'd best sit up and take notice! Am I right fellas?
And in a firey burst of probably lethal radiation the scraps of space suit are burned away and Mitchell Cameron stands revealed as a strange being that at some point in the future will be known as "Bolt!" I'm glad the fellas at Acme Experimental Radiation Suit Incorporated made that radiation suit so stylish and form-fitting. It would be terrible to be a super hero in something baggy or poorly coordinated. I'm looking at YOU, Human Bomb
"Mitch, something in that cloud must have changed you. The laser blast I fired had nothing to do with it, right? That's what we're going to tell them down on Earth, got it?"
Well, I guess Mitch isn't going to let that whole "shooting Mitch with a laser" thing pass.
Sure, Doctor. Maybe the guy that just leaped out the airlock and is deorbiting himself without benefit of a heat shield knows what he's doing! "Maybe" is doing a lot of work in this sentence.
Remember when all the religious doom-sayers were constantly protesting shuttle launches?
And like a broken clock that's right twice a day, Bearded Prophet O' Doom's predictions come true as God Himself arrives to blast the news media with his power-rays.
It's always "ALIEN INVADERS" and never "Hey, that's the stylish Acme Experimental Radiation Suit that Astronaut Mitchell Cameron is testing!" Get to work, marketing department of Acme Experimental Radiation Suit Incorporated!!
Look, when somebody bursts in the room hollering about aliens and your first reaction is to think of your husband, there might be something going on in your marriage. I'm just saying.
I am really confused by this robed kook's theology - God blasting sinners with bolts of Satan's hellfire? - and am glad he's taken out of our story by a comically small piece of debris.
Mitchell is just trying to hug his wife (with destructive power beams)! I pronounce this relationship HEALED
How many tearful reunions of worried spouses and radiation-suited returned travellers have been interrupted by Zow? Is that all Zow does?
Ladies and gentlemen, WE HAVE A SUPPORTING CAST! Just in time for this installment of Stupid Comics to be over. So while we think about the exciting outer space mystery cloud laser blast origin story of Bolt, let's take a look back at the first page of this comic book.
Oh, the story we just read was completely explained right at the beginning. Every bit of the story we just went over - the cosmic cloud, the laser, the radiation suit, the beautiful lady astronaut, it all was totally superfluous. Thanks for wasting our time, Bolt. Also; thanks for drawing Bolt here so it looks like his radiation-suit-clad johnson is dangling out there. Once you see it, you can't un-see it. You're welcome.
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