The night is many things to many people. For some the night is when sunglasses are worn, or was made for lovers, or is when it's all right for fighting. Some have night fever, some twist the night away, and some waste their days and waste their nights. But there can be only one team of Night Masters! How do we know? They have a comic book.

I believe the person on the cover of Night Masters #2 - that's what it reads, Night Masters, not "Nivnt Mmterm" - is either going crazy in the night or is working on his night moves. Let's find out!

Well, here we are in 1985, peak black and white explosion, watching the shock waves ripple through the racks, and of course this means comic books don't need to explain who the characters are, where they are, what they're doing there, or why. Just that we need to "consider the strategic and physical aspests(sic) of it," it being a muscle-robot named Neutralizer who has beaten up the Night Masters. Whom, we're given to understand, might not be mastering this night completely.

Of course being an android, the Neutralizer feels no pain. But when a cyborg fist is rammed through his sternum, he achieves a state of almost-pain, almost like the pain we get from trying to tease meaning out of these captions.

Seconds later we get our first look at the Night Masters, which appear to be two hockey goalies and the figure "Acroyear" from the late, beloved 1970s toy line "Micronauts," and whose mastery of the night is limited to areas served by public transit, because they don't have a car.

According to this comic, the future will be full of violent androids, ruined cityscapes, and video pay telephones. Oh well, two out of three ain't bad.

But let's flash back to Damon - that's this goalie's name, I guess - Damon "searches his memory" (because that's a totally normal way to say "remembers") the time his Universal Security Force decided to hire somebody, and didn't want to go through Ziprecruiter, but did want to wade through sewers.

Get 'em boys, get those... shiny talking eggs warning us about trespassing on federal game lands, I guess. Get 'em.

Just start hitting buttons at random. What's the worst that could happen? Hitting the button that fills the room with cyanide gas and kills the guy that is drawn to look exactly like me so the reader is confused as to who's doing what to whom? Yeah that would be pretty bad. Let's get out of here.

Here's the one we want, the abbreviated four hundred pound cyborg, we definitely need this guy and can't let him die. Die any MORE, I mean.

And with a KN-THHOOOOM the Chromium Era of comics gets started five years early! Seriously, enlarge this, scribble a lot of tiny lines on it, color it garishly, and hide the hands and feet, and it would be right at home in the Liefield aesthetic.

Here on page ten of Night Masters #2, we finally get to see a human face.

(put the mask back on)

Meanwhile, we learn that somewhere, there is an industrialist who seeks to promote a better populace. And he has a lawn. And figures, who are precarious, walk across it. And one of those figures is cosplaying as Alex Cord from "Airwolf."

What? Industrialist For A Better Populace doesn't want to visit with Obvious Bad Guy and his two cyborg murder men? Well I never.

Powerful Three Stooges action here, just what the future needs.

I bet that broken back would really hurt, if the guy wasn't already dead from being shot three times.

Meanwhile, Night Masters the comic book introduces two new characters, Ugly Mr. Spock and Talking Ball. Don't want to draw faces? Go with characters that are just circles and lines!

"Sucking on the barrels of laser carbines?" I guess that's what the kids are calling it these days

Nothing's more dramatic than a tense caption describing the exact nature of the shell fired into the conference room of the Industrialists For A Better Populace, and when that caption trails off leaving us in suspense as to how those thirteen bureaucrats were left, well, that's excitement...

...excitement that is instantly deflated because this comic forgot to continue that caption on the next page. Oh well.

No more screw-ups, like, say, the human figure-drawing disasters in both these panels!

So far the Interstellar Industrialists Security Force has been bonked Three Stooges style, been shot off catwalks, and has allowed the top 13 executives of the Industrialists For A Better Populace to be blown out of their chairs by a high explosive percussion round. I'd say the Industrialists For A Better Populace need to hire somebody else.

Don't you hate it when safety locks make Denis Leary click? I think he had a standup routine about those.

Look, the guy's been shot, no need to add insult to injuries.

"Welp, it's been fun, but I can only carry one guy out of here, so I gotta shoot you in the head. No hard feelings." By the way I have two issues of "Night Masters" and this head-shooting guy is on the cover of both. I guess he's our hero.

I know it FEELS like this comic has been going on for sixty-nine pages, but it really hasn't.

Minutes later the Night Masters and Girlfriend With Car arrive at the Industrialists For A Better Populace building because... well, the comic doesn't explain why they're there. But that's where they are now. It does want to show us their future guns, though. That's what's important.

"Metal Man and Patrick," Thursday at 9 this fall! Check local listings!

Oh no, these aren't supposed to be here, they're supposed to be in the "bootleg Robotech toy" aisle

Night Masters is a comic book that will not tell the reader who the main characters are, where they are, why they do what they do, or even what year it takes place in. It will, however, inform us of future terminology for trash compactors.

BE THERE as a Micronaut hits a ball on chicken legs and then hits empty space with the aggressiveness of a man gone berserk, and then there are clicking noises. Don't miss it!

"Wait one minute, Damon - you're Damon, right? Or are you Rog? Can you paint numbers or symbols or something on your goalie masks so we can tell you apart? Anyway I want to be part of this team. I'll even pay for my own goalie mask."

Meanwhile back at rooftop patio, Alex Cord from Airwolf splays himself on a couch and receives new commands from his superior, who orders "BRING HIM TO ME" and then he says "GET ME ANOTHER BUSTY GIRL FIGURINE TO MATCH THE ONE HERE ON MY DESK!" And that's Night Masters #2, the story of two goalie mask guys, a robot, and the girl that gives them rides to places where they accomplish nothing.

Fun fact! No part of this comic takes place at night.

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