Throughout the ages, many tales have been told of a savage kingdom where powerful beings wield supreme authority over the lives of thousands of serfs and menials. Yes, Hollywood can certainly be a tough town! However, we aren't talking about predatory producers and dictatorial directors. No, we're looking at a tale in which a passion for authenticity and a terrifying pact with unknown forces from beyond the grave led to the worst Tinseltown disaster since that Fantastic Four movie. Or that Green Lantern movie. Or that other Fantastic Four movie.
It's rare that a comic book story starts negging its readers right out of the gate, but "Horror In Hollywood" wants us all to know it has nothing but contempt for our failure to memorize the Roman pantheon.
Back in the day, every Hollywood director had to grow a little mustache, affect a cigarette holder, screw a monocle into his eye socket, swap his neckties for ascots, and slap a beret onto that freshly shaven head. It's the only way we can make our ancient Rome gladiator pictures authentic! And why CAN'T an ancient Roman death-god be brought into our world via trumpet blast to allow Sandra access to supernatural forces she can use for revenge against her movie rival? Many reasons. But let's ignore those and get on with our story!
Hollywood will never forget? Hollywood has a short memory, lady. Remember, you're only as good as your last picture!
Just look at this caption, teasing us with thoughts of how frenzied Feb. 15 used to be in Ancient Rome, but not actually telling us anything about how frenzied it was! Was it as crazy as a drugstore full of bargain hunters clawing at racks of clearance Valentine's Day candy? We'll never know!
Keep in mind, "all the talents of Hollywood" includes Ed Wood, Uwe Boll, Tommy Wiseau, and the guy that made "Birdemic"
"We could just let the second unit shoot the lions separately and crosscut between the women and the lions, you know, all that film-school Sergei Eisenstein stuff. But that's for sissies who can't wear monocles."
A priceless historical artifact honks loudly, and in a cloud of mist, nameless horror is unleashed! But enough about Clint Eastwood's digestive troubles. That Roman horn has called up Dis!
Always trouble with these day players. They're always lumbering around, shoving the actors and leering at the starlets, demanding to choose one for his bride. Now get in there and smack him around, Don! Storyboards and shooting schedules are for losers without monocles!
Whatever it is, it's got an unbeatable combo - the looks of mid-1960s Iron Man and the speech patterns of mid-50s Tor Johnson!
(and this story is originally from "Skeleton Hand In Secrets Of The Supernatural" #4 from 1953, so no, it isn't an Iron Man swipe)
Dis hears, but is Dis pleased, or is Dis displeased? Be more specific!
"C'mere baby! Give Dis some sugar! It's been a long two thousand two hundred years without any Dis action!"
Unfortunately, Sandra got bored halfway through the research portion of her search for Dis and failed to grasp several important factors in the ritual. The "squeezing brides to death" part, for instance.
Roman god returned from the unknown to choose a bride? The spine-smashing death of a fellow actress? Wrecking one of the Ben-Hur chariots with one blow? Merry can stand all of that. Lifting lions? It's lights out!
With all this "ho ho ho" stuff I expect Dis to take his helmet off and reveal his long snowy beard and jolly belly.
That's the LAPD for you, uninterested in a guy in an armored suit murdering one woman, kidnapping another and escaping through a hail of bullets. They've got REAL crimes to solve
This sequence is unclear, but I think what they're trying to portray is that it looks like the lions ate her? Or they're trying to make the cop think the lions ate her? Two people reporting a murder and a kidnapping and the cop is all like "leave me out of your big joke, you jokers?"
How can Don learn the method of summoning Dis? I dunno, maybe try doing the same thing Sandra did, looking this stuff up? No, it's better to pace back and forth in a dark studio.
Thank goodness Sandra's ghost is back from the spirit world to tell that big dope Don what to do! He's handsome, but boy is he stupid.
Let's see, we've had romance, revenge, pagan gods, death, lions, what's left... oh yeah, let's give Don super powers!
Now it's time to show Dis what Don learned while constantly fighting NYC muggers on the way to Actors Studio classes!
Take THAT you dime-store Tony Stark, you fakey Etruscan deity. Go back to whatever pagan sacrifice, oiled-up nubile temple priestess orgy world you came from! Hmm. Hold on there a minute Dis, you got room for one more?
So, a real roller coaster ride of thrills from moviemaking to Roman metal death-hugs to a superhuman battle to the finish. How are we going to wrap this up?
Let's just let Dis find out what married life is really like. Women, am I right? (sad trombone noise)
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