Everybody knows the oil industry will use any kind of global crisis to jack up prices and inflate their already obscene profits to newly obscene levels. It's what they do. But here's a comic book that dares to tell the truth about their insidious plans! They're waiting for that worldwide neutron war to weaken national governments so they can swoop in and rule the world as an evil... but I'm getting ahead of the story. Fill up your tank and get ready for some petrochemical-scented action as we meet the rebels who dare to stand up to the oil conglomerate - the Global Force!
Global Force! A super team of five men and two women and a robot and a toy helicopter and, I'm assuming, a globe! And I think... I am guessing here, but I think one of them might actually be Japanese. Maybe.
As is customary with these 80s boom era comics, our proud new publishers have a page where they expound upon their ambitious plans for their line of comic books. It's weird how never, ever, do any of these self-congratulatory editorial messages ever just come right out, admit the truth, and say "we're planning on cancelling all our titles after the second issue, and then leaving comics forever."
Defnitly some high quaity in their colr lin of comcs. Defnitly
But enough with hubris and typos. On with our adventure!
Things were never the same on Earth after the Neutron War devastated Europe, leaving only heads floating in a white void.
That's when the the oil billionaires all got together and said, what's the one thing that will be great for our billions? Destroying all the existing governments and social structures. You know, those structures that protect the markets they sell oil to and regulate the currency their sales use. The financial planners said it was a terrible idea, but what do they know about the iron fist of totalitarian rule? Nothing, that's what.
Millions lost Hope. Other millions lost Cash. Some even lost their Courtney Love records. But not Tom Cooper, who has friends, a desire to fight back, a determination to win, a tight super hero outfit, and an unfortunate need to reference Aldous Huxley when speaking of the world they'd like to have instead of an oil-fueled dictatorship.
And these friends are the Global Force! The latest in a long line of heroes following in the proud tradition of muscles, grapefruit-sized breasts, ethnic stereotypes, and coloring their Black characters white on the cover. Maybe it was an honest error. Anyway, we have our heroes, we have our villains, let's get to some action!
Some TRAINING action. Listen comic book, do you know you're going to get cancelled next issue? Quit wasting time!! (this is a rhetorical question, of course they don't know they've only got two issues. In their minds this comic book will last for decades and make them all millionaires)
This team of super fighters is made up of the very best people his or her country has to offer! And for Ireland, the very best people are not scientists or authors or statesmen, but machine-gun maniacs blasting a hailstorm of lead into anyone who supports the wrong football team.
The Americans are great at wearing camo and getting into bar fights. I guess that tracks.
And from the mysterious East, we have an Indian magician who builds robots, and a Japanese karate master who, like all his peoples, is devoted to the martial arts. There you have it, a truly Global Force, because America, Ireland, Magic Robot India and Japan are the only nations.
All right team, your mission is to pretend that the global oil industry only has one oil tanker (instead of hundreds), and that it only carries a million gallons of oil (which is pretty small for an oil tanker, actually) and that six people with guns and a robot are absolutely the best way to destroy it.
And now let's check in with our World Oil Empire and their evil plans, and I really hope this means the Humble Oil Drop family, that pegasus from the Mobil logo, the Exxon Tiger, and probably the Sinclair Dinosaur are combining to form their own gasoline-soaked super team! Please!
Sadly this just looks like a testimonial for "Buns Of Steel." Hey World Oil Empire, maybe turn on some lights! You CAN'T be worried about wasting energy.
Here's are your specific and extremely detailed mission plans - find those guys and kill them. That's all.
One of the great things about scuba diving is that you're underwater and nobody can see you, it's the perfect way to approach a target undetected. Which is why we need the other half of the team to "cause a diversion." You want to make sure those guards are distracted from the thing they don't know is happening!
People from Ohio or Kansas, they love cold water, but not him, he's from California, he hates cold water. Which there is a lot of in California, you ever hit that beach in Malibu or Santa Cruz, that water is pretty cold, about twenty degrees colder than Atlantic ocean water. I guess that's why he hates it, familiarity breeds contempt? Or maybe the writer of this comic has never actually been to California? Because that's what *I* think.
Sure, there are probably easier ways of destroying large ocean-going vessels. But doing it by hand is a lot more fun!
When you have only one line of dialog in a comic book, better make it rhyme!
You may wonder how the unarmed martial arts expert deals with an opponent who might have, say, an automatic rifle. The trick is to just assume they won't shoot you. It usually works! And YES, we got a "Hai-YA!!" out of our Japanese karate man. Will there be a "Banzai?" We can only hope!
Sure, you could spend millions developing a line of super powerful remote controlled robots that can punch through the wall of an oil tank. Or you could pay a guy five bucks to turn the handle on the valve marked "drain." Same effect.
Ladies and gentlemen, we have a "Banzai." Our ethnic stereotype checklist is complete!
A "diversion" could have been free samples from an ice cream truck, or a tugboat full of clowns. But the Global Force, well, they don't have any of those things. They just have tight outfits and firearms. Global Force!!
Not that I want to deny these people their fun, but maybe everybody could have stayed at home and just let the robot fly over there and blow everything up?
"Yes, that IS quite a mess. Don't worry, I'm sure we can find another pair of pants around here somewhere."
An environmental disaster that will pollute this area for decades to come? Nice work, Global Force!
The good news is that the World Oil Empire can use this refinery disaster as an excuse to jack up oil prices. The bad news is that the World Oil Empire is still thinking like it's in the oil business. Guys! You rule the world! You're in the WORLD-RULING business now. You don't have to make money any more. You ARE the money!
So what you're telling me is that you had a submarine all this time and you could have just put two or three torpedoes into that oil tanker whenever you felt like it, and we could have stayed at home and played Super Nintendo in our pajamas. That's what you're telling me.
We're on a marine vessel, so it's called "the head," buddy. That's where you go to "be pooped."
The tiny hat. The giant beard. Which, do you think, came first? Do you get the tiny hat to accentuate your huge beard, or do you grow the beard after you're issued your tiny hat?
Every PULSE POUNDING moment of (yawn) EXCITEMENT will THRILL YOU to your VERY (yawn) CORE because ADVENTURE has a NEW NAME and that name is GLOBAL (yawn) FORCE!!!
And as various people relax comfortably in various ocean-going ships, we exhort you to not miss the next issue of Global Force. Why, I believe we can already feel the excitement.
See? It's catching. Don't miss that next issue of Global Force because it will, in fact, be the LAST issue of Global Force. But let's look at what else Silverline Comics has in store for us.
Forces, Assassins, Mutants, Misfits, and somebody is killing America's top business executives (that "somebody" is "high blood pressure"). But what's that interesting little ownership detail down there on the left?
Silverline Comics is a wholly owned subsidiary of Trigame Enterprises? What the heck is a Trigame Enterprise?
Oh. They're the guys that invented three-player chess! You remember Tri-Chess, right? The game that totally changed how we play chess? No? No. I can only assume the evil Colonel Bolt and his team of World Oil Empire operatives were hard at work suppressing both Tri-Chess AND the Silverline line of comics, because there's no other reason we all wouldn't be playing Tri-Chess while enjoying the Global Force Cinematic Universe right this very minute. Yawn.
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