So you know, working in the field of stupid comics, we wind up going through stacks and stacks of the things, trying to extract material for Mister Kitty purposes. A lot of the time we're faced with a comic book that has one or two outstanding panels in an otherwise unremarkable publication. We'll set those panels aside in a pile until they pile up high enough, and then we throw them all together in what we call a "grab bag," and that's what we're doing today!
But before we really get started, why not tear into a Slim Jim meat snack? Apparently Slim Jims and comic books go together, teaming up to ruin young minds with objectionable stories while flooding young bodies with dangerous levels of sodium and nitrates. Mmm, tasty.
And who could read comic books without first slipping on their charm bracelet filled with charms that have special meaning for you? Let's see, there's the arrow, the apple, the dove, the heart, the razor blade... the razor blade? If you're sporting that one, you either work for the Schick company, or you have a coke problem.
Hey kids, take off your clothes and Casper will show you his "new magic"
Speaking of uncomfortable advertising choices, here's an early ad for Slinky in which Slinky was represented by a horrifying disfigured mascot with a steel coil for a skull. Slinky became one of the most successful toys of all time - AFTER they ditched this weirdo.
And now Stupid Comics opens up its mailbag to answer your questions. We'll tackle any question you might have, as long as it's about bran.
The big question I have? It's about the use of the scare quotes around the word "bulk."
WARNING do not use ALL-BRAN to clean your floors or wash your car. On the other hand, why not? It'll sell a few extra boxes.
You can see in your very own home how when you pour water into a glass of All-Bran, the amazing scientific result will invariably be "a glass full of soggy All-Bran." Remember to FEEL this weird fibrous mass, like it says in the text. Ew.
Feed the kids enough All-Bran and they'll be busy all right - busy running to the bathroom!
Here's a tip for the advertising department of Kellogg's - maybe making your children's mascot sound like some kind of urban legend serial killer might not be quite the marketing angle you want. I can see the headlines now. SINGING LADY STRIKES AGAIN, HAUNTING MELODY HEARD BY WITNESSES AT SCENE OF MASSACRE
Speaking of massacres, is there a better way to celebrate the attempted genocide of indigenous peoples than by digging their artifacts out of the ground and selling them for pocket change through comic book ads? And how does 'solar power booklet' fit into all this?
Jesus CHRIST Paul, what DID YOU EAT
This is one of those things that means something different now than it did in the 1970s. Or maybe not. I don't know what Veronica's expectations are.
Meanwhile Archie Comics Publications wants the names and addresses of every low-life scumbag degenerate who isn't carrying Archie Series Comics. They're going to get a little visit from the Circulation Department.
And now here's GI JOE, who finally realized what kids really want is to stand to attention while their dad inspects their GI JOE footlockers. Get that gear squared away or we'll be doing pushups until dinnertime. Wheee!
When the inspection is over and the kids might feel sore from all those twenty mile punishment hikes, well, there are plenty of mail order catalogs full of medicines and remedies for the entire family.
Did you know chilliness is helped by taking "Liniment Internal" in a glass of milk? Or you could just put a sweater on the kid, or turn the heat up. But Rawleigh's can't bottle THAT.
Maybe if you didn't cram food into your maw like it was going out of style, you wouldn't get indigestion all the time. Slow down there buddy! Take a breath between bites! Better read the fine print on that Rawleigh's Seltzer - you don't want to find out it's a laxative the hard way!
Frequent bathing will NOT prevent body odor because warm, moist conditions after a bath are ideal for bacteria. Of course, most people DRY THEMSELVES OFF after a bath. But not you, you have Rawleigh deodorants instead, you bewitching temptress you!
Expert cooks know of one, two, five - so many spices! Two kinds of mustard? Let's not go wild here, maestro!
Orange, lemon, cherry, raspberry, grape, whatever. As long as it's mostly vodka, Buddy over there is fine with it
Sometimes that All-Bran sneaks up on you, eh Mr. Lodge?
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