Back in the glory days of publishing there were magazines for every conceiveable interest and demographic, whether you were a Southern cat fancier or a left-handed investment banker into trail biking. Our feature today is, like the others, aimed at an extremely specific target market!
If you're a girl who is possessed of a sweet disposition and is currently sixteen years old, then this comic is for you! Boys, grumps, and anyone 15 or younger, or 17 and older, well you can just GET LOST. But not before you get out your pencil and add your own artistic flourishes to the cover.
First let's learn about that boy from Brooklyn, Vic Damone.
Take a note of that second paragraph where we learn that a guy in the "olive oil business" was Vic's first manager. Even in 1947 everybody knew this was code for "Vic got mobbed up early." But we won't let that stop us from spending most of this article describing what a dream date with Vic would be like, right down to the chocolate soda.
But enough about Vic's dates, let's talk about YOUR first date!
OK honey, look at that pennant, I think we know which team this guy is rooting for. Might be a dull evening for you, is what I'm saying.
I bet Eddie hopes you're working on something French! Right Eddie? Eddie? Oh, he's still looking at his "BOYS" pennant. Sorry.
Sure, let dateless Midge and Sal and Peggy give you a workover before your big night. I'm sure they won't take out their frustrations on your face.
It took you all week to decide THIS was what you were going to wear? All WEEK?
Eddie. So clean. So masculine. Rugged, yet serious. Eddie. Try some today!
Awesome, it's that 1940s dancing where everything above the waist stays absolutely still and everything below the waist goes crazy. I guess dancing gets kind of wild when you're constantly "powdering your nose." Bit early for cocaine, but we're not here to judge.
Have her in by 10, Eddie, or there will be hell to pay! And thus ends the first date of the editorial staff of Sweet Sixteen Comics. Why not write them about yours? Keep it clean!
Or you can just dream about being one of Bob Cumming's five wives. Or maybe the sex robot he starred in a TV show with, a thing that really happened. Look it up.
Or maybe you can dream about your glamorous career in Hollywood as you become the queen of the stuntwomen!
"Folks, our circus movie goes on location today to a real circus. Today. We just make these big movie decisions on a whim. How much prep do movies need, anyway?"
That circus crowd won't even know it's being filmed. That way they don't have to sign releases and we don't have to pay them a cent. And Dorothy, you're a trained stunt woman, so it's assumed you know how to walk a tightrope and do the high-dive. And if not, well, you have a whole forty-five minutes to learn.
NEWS ITEM: Stuntwoman Dorthy Dare admitted to hospital with serious eye infection caused by foreign "circus" material lodged in cornea
"Why I thought clowns were always gay and joking! Because apparently I am unfamiliar with just about every story about clowns."
There was a time when Chips The Clown was the funniest, most hilarious clown that ever walked out into the circus ring. And that time was the 12:30 kiddy matinee Benefit Circus Show for Children Who Had Never Seen A Clown Before. Chips was on top of the world then!
"I'm old. I'm tired. Kids think I'm corny. My little car only seats 20. And my ass is so calloused from being smacked by that exploding paddle that I can't even feel it when I sit down! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT'S LIKE? DO YA, MISSY?
"Oh gosh, the time. Gotta go!"
Up you go Dorothy, have fun performing this death-defying, highly skilled stunt that trained aerialists spend years perfecting. Don't worry, if there's a mistake we'll edit around your gruesome death. Or maybe we won't!
Here's a tip for tightrope walkers - make sure the net is secured BEFORE you step out onto the wire. Don't assume Gus Galoot, Circus Hand, won't get smacked in the skull by a flying trapeze and leave your literal safety net unfastened!
Get out of the arena you gay clown, you're queering the girl's act! HAPPY PRIDE MONTH EVERYBODY
It's Chips! That new act of his, which is basically fumbling around doing circus stuff - it's a scream! He's really brought circus clowning back to its roots. And he saved Dorothy's life. OK everybody, that was fine, now loosen that net and Dorothy, get back up on that high wire, put camera thre over to the right and we want more lighting. Let's do it again!
Meanwhile the regular meeting of the Teen Blackmailers Club is in session. Looks like those snaps really do talk - and pay off!
And we end our look at Sweet Sixteen with a glimpse inside the home of any average Sweet Sixteener on that most special of nights, Family Game Night.
This is why we quit playing board games, that savage beating by those twins from "The Shining." Now go and get ready for your date - Eddie will be here at 7!
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