It's summertime and that means kids across the nation are heading out for a week or two at summer camp. Swimming! Archery! Crafts! Canoeing! And, if we're lucky, they might learn something about... tree farming.
So sew some name tags into the waistband of your summer-camp slacks, pack your "Biltmore Stick" (more about this later!) and get ready to contain your excitement until you're actually farming trees! (Note: no trees were actually farmed during the production of this comic)
Good news boys! One of you is going to get a week off from tending the school forest, so they can go somewhere else, and tend somebody else's forest! Now who isn't completely sick of the very sight of trees yet? Bobby? Frank? Elmer? Anybody?
Wow Jackie, your pals REALLY want to get rid of you.
The American nuclear family in a nutshell - Dad espouses the fine people running the big corporations while Mom serves freshly baked cake and worries about her boy. Don't worry Mom! The boys are supervised by a state forest man and experienced foresters, who have extensive training in clearing underbrush and identifying destructive insects - surely this training carries over into (checks notes) running a summer camp for boys.
Remember those swim trunks and the flashlight- midnight underwater forestry is a big deal at THIS camp!
Assigned to a cabin, Jackie quickly adapts to this camp's fat-shaming ethos
I always felt a fishing rod was more of a "yeah I could use one of those" things rather than a life-changing object of desire filling my dreams at night, but then again, I was never sent to a labor camp somewhere in the piney woods.
Let's identify some pine trees. Now this here is a pine tree. And that one over there, it's also a pine tree. And to your left, another pine tree. Beginning to sense a pattern?
Hey kids! Want to destroy "undesirable" trees in YOUR neighborhood, but don't want the hard work of chopping the things down? Just "girdle" the trees and watch them die slowly and maybe fall on your house or the house next door! Thanks to this comic you now know the correct technique. Now let's get out there and control some undesirables! Hm. Sounds weird when you say it out loud.
Here's Bill Crane calling into question the very existence of this Forestry Camp and the entire Farm Forestry Program in general. Good question, Bill. Why are we wasting our lives this nonsense? Meeting adjourned forever!
"Yes, we can live IN and ON trees. But how many of you really do? How many of you have committed to the real tree lifestyle of either building a treehouse or finding a giant California Redwood to hollow out and live inside? Not many, I'd wager! Until then, can we honestly say we really love trees?"
"He said GOOD tree farmers, Chubby. That leaves YOU out!"
Trembling with excitement, Jackie yearned to show his proficiency in small-area planting methods. But wait! Where's his handy bucket of mud and water?
First you take her to dinner and a show. Compliment her hair and her new dress. Maybe a few drinks. And then, maybe, you can push and pull with your dibble. But be gentle! That's how we did it back at school, and it's just fine!
PIRANHA III: THE SILTENING
Sure, I know it looks like a plain old yardstick. But if we give it a fancy name, we can charge extra for it.
Remember to mark your victims, uh, trees, beforehand and to use every bit of the corpse, I mean tree. Tree!
WHAT IS A TREE FARM? You've been at this camp a week now and you're asking me WHAT IS A TREE FARM? Pack your bags, Jackie.
"I've been sick!" says the small tree from the unthinned stand. Thin your stands, people. I cannot stress this enough.
Yes officer, they brought out a projector, and they said they were going to show us a movie on "how to do it." Needless to say, we were pretty excited!
The fat-shaming never ends at Forestry Camp!
A chance to go to the source of that horrifying odor that has haunted our lives ever since we arrived in this godforsaken wilderness? That IS an unusual treat.
Cut into small chips, cooked down to fibers, screened, drained, squeezed, heated, rolled up into giant reels, and sent to printing companies where it will be immediately ruined by a clumsy press guy, or just thrown away by the end user. Let's give the mills plenty of good trees to keep this cycle of useless waste going!
Wow this campfire weenie roast singalong is great, camp sure is swell. Now DOUSE THAT FIRE because your FIFTEEN MINUTES of CAMP FUN is OVER!!
Remember kids, fire is a tree farm's most deadly enemy, apart from the Southern Pine Beetle, which can only be wiped out by... fire. What I'm trying to say is that we've kind of painted ourselves into a corner here.
"Well Bobby Ray, looks like you done got yourself some of that ding-dang Cronartium Rust there. Better sell them trees, make it somebody else's problem."
And here's Mr. Wilks to present the winning campers with a $1.98 fishing rod he bought at the Montgomery Ward's on the way up to camp. It takes both study and practice to make a good forestry team! And trees, you need trees too.
So you have to grow trees, in a place where nobody can graze on them, and you have to not let them catch on fire. Seems like the bar for "tree farming" is exceptionally low. Congratulations, you're ALL tree farmers now!
"Sorry, can't stay for coffee, I, uh, have to go and, uh, inspect some woodlands. Lots of that to do. You know how it is. Later!"
I wasn't kidding! Everybody's a tree farmer. Why, merely reading this promotional comic makes YOU a tree farmer, responsible for America's vital pulpwood needs, always on the lookout for Southern pine beetles, or fire, or Southern pine beetles on fire. Now let's get out there and make Jackie Davis proud!
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