They say crime doesn't pay. But what if it kinda did? What if every time you tried to commit a crime, things worked out so you were actually doing the opposite? I don't even know that crime HAS an opposite. Giving somebody a wallet? Depositing money in a bank? Retransmitting a game or portions thereof *with* explicit permission of Major League Baseball? Anyway, we're betting it would definitely lead to a strange adventure. Or somebody's getting their 12 cents back!

Suddenly possessed by a super power AND by the idiotic idea of roping a train caboose with a giant chain. I'm thinking those two things are going to cancel each other out.

When I hear people talking about magic rings and fantastic powers, it's not my criminal mind that's alerted. What's activated with me is more like a detector, something like a carefully calibrated device that detects the presence of bovine excrement.

"Deed to property... stock certificate... treasury bond... look at all these worthless legal papers. Now gimme that magic ring!"

Keep standing around on a street corner late at night rubbing things, and you might just get endowed with a fantastic arrest for public indecency.

Okay Eddie, you've just ruined your car. How's your emotional analysis now?

He'd say he was stronger than the mighty Thor, but Goodman's got a thing with that name going on over at Atlas or Marvel or whatever it is they're calling themselves these days. Let's not borrow trouble.

This is a "sleazy room?" I don't see any pin-ups or empty beer cans!

"Oh, you big strong criminal! I'm like putty in your hands!" He's good at breaking and entering, but it's weird when he does the voice.

So many night watchmen suffocated due to underground gas leaks before the jewelry industry learned to hire strongmen and have them burst in at random times.

No officer, you don't understand! This man broke in here to save my life, apparently by using, as shown here, the Heimlich maneuver!

"And as owner of this jewelry firm I want to present you with a check for $500 for your heroism. And also, as the owner of a jewelry firm suddenly confronted with the reality of a petty criminal with the strength to bend steel bars, I'd also like to express my absolute panic and despair."

It's the comically huge chain that really makes this "roping the train caboose" sequence work. If it worked. Which it doesn't.

Look, it's passenger rail in the United States... sooner or later *something* was going to force that train to an unscheduled stop.

So let me get the sequence of events correct here. He was driving by in his doorless car, and he saw the bridge fall, and then he drove real fast to the construction site and got the chain, and then he drove real fast again to the train tracks, and then he fashioned the lasso out of the chain and lassooed the caboose, say that again, lassoooooed the caboooooose, that's oddly satisfying to say. Lassoooooooooooooooooo. Caboooooooooooooooooose. Anyway this story just doesn't add up, but these Staties are too busy standing around saying "lassooooooo" and "caboooooose"

and this, friends, is how Jay Leno got all the money for that classic automobile collection. Using his magic ring to commit crimes that fail and yet result in rewards! Go Jay go!

He's going to "slip in?" Is he going to be disguised as water?

That flood should have panicked the employees and sent them fleeing into the street! Oh, there was a fire. Which... should have also panicked the employees, and sent them fleeing into the street.

Here's a $2500 reward. Also, here's a bill for $15,000, to cover repairing the water damage and fixing that tower. Next time let the electronic machine burn!

Seems the Kearns-O-Phone Helpline has its first customer! Stand back and let Kearns handle a non-crime for a change.

Well, we said he was strong. We never said he was smart.

Save it for the jury, Kearns! And don't break free from these handcuffs, even though you easily could!

well, he WOULD use his super strength to escape, only he doesn't have that super strength Tartu ring any more! All he's got now is a trip to jail and one phone call.

And that's what he didn't know about the Tartu Ring - that when it's used for good, it brings evil on its possessor! Except that Kearns only THOUGHT he was using the strength for good, and in reality he actually WAS using it for evil. And anyway he doesn't even have that ring any more, so good luck trying to get him to confess to its theft, Omar! I say Kearns will be out on bail in three hours, headed for the nearest bar so he can begin his career of boring everybody with the story of how he was a super hero for a few days. And that, of course, leads straight to his name change, his standup career, and the Tonight Show.

note: it's very important to not confuse the RING of Tartu with the DEATH CURSE of Tartu. One's a piece of magic jewellery in a 1964 comic book, the other is a 1966 Florida-shot horror film about an undead Native spirit and a death curse.

Know Your Tartus, everybody!

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