This week Stupid Comics asks the comical question - can an insipid mystery story be improved by the addition of an insipid super hero? You get three guesses and the first two don't count!
As man - or this man, anyway - probes more deeply into piles of back issue comics, he, or me, or I, is, or am, certain to encounter comics with stupidity ratings much higher than normal! But not even Archie Comics' #2 super-hero The Jaguar was prepared to be in a story quite as half-assed as he was when he met "The Immortal Alien" on Tinder. Swipe left, Jag!
On Easter Island archeologists are hard at work trying to discover the origin of those enigmatic Easter Island statues. It's difficult work, digging while also keeping your fingers in your ears so you don't have to listen to the actual Easter Islanders who can tell you exactly how these statues were made.
Were these statues built by men, men who have made stone statues all over the world for thousands of years, who definitely have the process figured out, it's no big deal? Or did an advanced alien civilization travel billions of miles across space just for a little arts and crafts?
If only they could discover the secret of Easter Island and justify the death of their friend Major Kress! Maybe ask one of the locals to show you the quarry where the stone for the statues was sourced, or the hundreds of stone tools from carving the statues that were left lying around? No. They need to ignore oral history, tradition, actual evidence, and warnings of shark-infested waters.
Kress believed the space people built these statues in their on image. I, myself, believe we're seeing the proofreader's marks where "on" was supposed to be changed to "own" but somebody forgot. But look what's in the pit! A mysterious coffin buried for thousands of years! Better open it right away- nothing but good things happen when you open these mysterious coffins, right?
Heaven help us, Kress Theory is correct! But is it really? Let's toss this dude some chisels and see him carve some heads before we draw any conclusions.
They wanted America's most "destinguished" scientists to see this weird alien and his funny chalk scribbles before they started cashing in on a world tour. Oh, and three pages in they remembered that this is a story featuring The Jaguar, that fantastic character from Archie Adventure Series who has the powers of several animals, and therefore is probably an expert on space aliens, I guess
"My theory is that this alien was buried alive due to heinous crimes committed against his comrades, that his crimes were probably groping or fondling or assault, I am in fact saying we may have on our hands an Alien Sex Fiend, and in hindsight that perhaps uncorking him wasn't the best idea. I guess we'll find out."
Before they "took off thier home planet," whatever the hell that means, get it together Archie Adventure Series, these incredibly advanced interstellar-travelling space aliens used their ultra-scientific "shovels" to dig a hole, which they then placed the sarcophagus inside using their highly technical "hands." Will we ever comprehend the wonders of these advanced creatures?
If YOU have a furnace and a lot of hand grenades, maybe you too can open your own Alien Testing Facility! Sure, you might wind up with a lot of corpses if aliens happen to not be immune to hand grenades, but those are the sacrifices that must be made in the name of science.
As you can see the alien remains in perfect condition, or "mint" as we'd say if there was an Overstreet Guide for aliens. Of course these days we'd just slab him and call it a day.
Even The Mighty Jaguar is bored silly by this nonsense.
Being a super hero means keeping poison gas tanks ready to go at a moment's notice, on the off chance any aliens need aphyxiating.
Somehow The Jaguar discovered what the many "destinguished" scientists could not - that the "ghost" was basically Old Man Jenkins trying to scare everyone away from the amusement park!
Outfitting an expedition to Easter Island, faking Kress's death, constructing a stone coffin with an air supply, designing an alien suit that is fireproof and can withstand explosives - this is all an expensive and complicated buildup to try and cash in with what's basically a carnival side show attraction. Luckily the "alute" animal vision of The Jaguar helped uncover this deception!
You know guys, you could probably just market this amazing fireproof shockproof outfit and make big profits. But no, you had to go with the fake alien scam, didn't you.
If you know how to read body language, you can see that the posture here indicates he might be feeling anxious, tense, insecure, or in distress. All of which are proper responses to being thrown into a chamber full of fire and live grenades!
Those "vulnarable" human hands are always a giveaway. Remember! The Jaguar won't always be around, so check YOUR aliens out in a chamber filled with explosives, searing flame AND poison gas. It's really the only way to be sure!
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