We all know Santa Claus lives at the North Pole and delivers presents to children on Christmas. Over the years myth and marketing have added ancillary characters to this cyclical drama, like for instance a Mrs. Claus, a shop full of elves, Rudolph and other reindeer, talking snowmen, misfit toys, and long eared donkeys. To this pantheon of attempted beloved icons we bring you yet another trial run of potential holiday cheer!

It's Stitches, a toy doll who is also somehow alive. How did he get his name? Let's just say he didn't exercise discretion when speaking with law enforcement.

Fakey Pinocchio here is given orders to bring in ripoff Grumpy. This is gonna be the wildest version of "Heart Of Darkness" yet!

Oh, he just wanted to remind "Gloomy" to make sure Santa's sleigh is loaded up for, you know, the only thing it's ever used for. You know, that one job we do here, remember to do that one job, can you do that?

Look dummy, you can't magically go down chimneys with a wink, you can't withstand the friction of Santa's undoubtedly hypersonic travel through Earth's atmosphere, and your stomach definitely doesn't shake like a bowl full of jelly. So back off.

I see the writer of this so-called story has conveniently forgotten that Santa Claus is all-seeing ("he sees you when you're sleeping") and all-knowing ("he knows when you're awake") so how could he not know what Stitches is up to? Or maybe they follow a strict Santaist interpretation, and hold that Santa's perception is limited to knowledge of states of wakefulness? Perhaps. In this disseration I will

Gotta wonder why this story throws in all the fake Snow White dwarves it can cook up new names for, but ignores the most famous reindeer of all.

Soundtrack - Judas Priest, "Screaming For Vengeance"

Santa will sure be sorry that someone... delivered toys to children?

Meanwhile Santa is fully committed to his mission of chimney-spelunking and public-domain-music singing!

This is the way to get things done, Santa - no lists, no requests, none of this down the chimney quick as wink stuff, just industrial-strength high altitude saturation toy bombing. Just ask any one of dozens of European cities!

Preparation for inclement weather conditions - just one of the many things that separates the professional pilot in his inspected and well maintained aircraft from the living rag doll clinging to a table with a fan bolted to it.

That's what kids want in their jolly Christmas toy stories, reminders of painful death.

I'm sorry, I can't see this little guy running around without wanting to see him dig tunnels, eat cherries, and hit monsters with power balls while cheerful music plays. And yes, I DID play a lot of "Mr. Do" as a kid

Just sit tight, Stitches, eventually the Avengers will find you and then you'll get to fight Namor, the Sub-Mariner!

Look Santa, you aren't responsible for anyone's actions but your own. As a rag doll brought to life by, let's say fairy magic, Stitches has his own agency and free will. None of this is your fault.

"Well, maybe someday we'll find his frozen rag-doll corpse. Oh well. Back to whatever it is I do when it's not Christmas."

NOTE TO ARTIST: Make sure Stitches is SAD and not HAPPY when he sees he's about to drown

Well, this is the end. Except it isn't. Quit toying with my emotions, comic!

And here we are at what appears to be a industrial facility or a soft drink bottling plant. Some "palace," Santa

Nothing that a hot shower won't fix! There, that'll teach you to actually use the free will whoever brought you to life gave you. Now apologize to Santa!

Look out for "Stitches, The Christmas Rag Doll" pre-empting "M.A.S.H." this upcoming holiday season!

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